Stockholm, 12 October 2012 :
Minutes after the European Union was awarded this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences announced that this years Nobel Prize for Physics was awarded to human beings. The Nobel Committee said that human beings received the award for their efforts to “expand the horizons of science and our understanding of the world for the last 4000 years”.
“It only makes perfect sense” said Ingemar Lundstrom, the Chairman of the Nobel Committee for Physics. “We noted that, from pre-historic civilizations to modern society, human beings were the biggest contributors towards our understanding of the world. And not just the scientists, but humanity as a whole. Right from the guy who delivers pizza to the research facility, to the CEO of the company that manufactures printers used in the scientists homes, humans from every walk of life have contributed to unraveling the mysteries of the Universe” he continued.
“As opposed to fish, none of which even has a PhD despite having been in existence for longer than human beings” explained Mr. Lundstrom. “We thank the Peace Prize Committee for making our job easier after they picked 27 countries as the winner. I also think this award is an opportunity for all human beings to feel a little better about their pathetic lives”
“I was snubbed for this year’s Physics Prize despite my breakthrough in particle physics. But I guess since the prize was awarded to human beings, I am a winner too” said a visibly upset Dr. Thomas Jones. “Yay” he added.
Human beings, with their large brains, were favorites to win this year’s Physics Prize. However, the award comes as a surprise at a time when human stupidity threatens to overtake human ingenuity as the key driver of civilization.
In a move that did not surprise many, all the people associated with the governance of Pakistan suddenly turned into stand up comedians. Taking advantage of the massive interest that was generated after Osama bin Laden was temporarily sent to hell, government officials started responding to media enquiries by cracking jokes at a press conference.
When asked how the world’s most wanted terrorist was able to make a home in a huge mansion that lay right next to a military installation, the Prime Minister seemed to get livid and shouted “How dare the Americans violate the sanctity of our sovereignty?”. This was met with roars of laughter that rang throughout the room. He quickly added, “See what I did there? I poked fun at my country. Only the most secure people can do that. That was a non-sequitir by the way”, he gloated. “It means that the ending is different from the beginning,” he continued as he spoiled everyone’s trip just as they were falling into a laughing fit.
“But seriously,” said Gilani as he produced a coin from behind President Zardari’s ear, “we had no idea where bin Laden was until I saw the news. I immediately rang up my ISI friends and asked them who this bin Laden was and why his death was so important that it was splashed all across the media.” he said as he put his hand into Zardari’s shirt and removed a length of handkerchiefs tied to each other, presumably as an attempt at prop humor.
“Any other country that would ever act on assumption that it has the right to unilateralism of any sort will find as far as Pakistan is concerned that it has made a basic mistake, and countries will face disastrous consequences if they carry out such operations,” said Foreign Secretary Salman Bashir with a straight face, only pausing to smirk when he thought no one was looking. “Especially India” he said as everyone burst into fits of manic laughter, eventually bringing part of the roof down onto these government officials who died instantly.
In other news, Indian Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh has just passed away. He was 79. While the cause of death is yet to be determined, people close to the issue say that they found him laughing and breathless in front of a TV just before he died.
The most powerful earthquake ever recorded in Japan shook entire cities, and the subsequent tsunami wreaked havoc over north-eastern Japan, killing hundreds of people instantly. The threat of a nuclear meltdown still looms large. The world stopped in its tracks after nature unleashed it’s fury yet again. However, not all people are convinced. “This was an attack by the U.S Government…..and investment bankers, obviously. The earthquake happened on 11th March, that is 11/3. 3 is the square root of 9, and if you transpose both these numbers, what do you get?” questioned a smug Ed Asner at the inauguration of the 113truth.org website. “That’s right.”
“It was a dead giveaway. Did you know that the Fukushima nuclear reactors were supplied by GE and were installed by Halliburton? And who owns Halliburton?” question Ed Asner yet again. “Exactly,” he continued, yet again failing to elaborate as he dozed off.
A large number of conspiracy theorists were in attendance at the inauguration, even after thousands declined to attend following the receipt of credible information that the venue was going to be bombed by aliens.
“How do we know it was an earthquake? It could have just been an explosion. Did you actually see the tectonic plates grind against each other? We all know that Shell was digging for oil near the epicenter of the earthquake. Co-incidence? I think not. I’m pretty sure that those thieving bastards bombed the tectonic plates so that they can profit from it,” screamed another guy as he was walking out of the restroom. When asked to explain how Shell would profit from this, he walked back inside.
“Uh” uh-ed Ed Asner as he woke up with a jerk. “The death toll was another cover up. How come there was no mention of the robots? Japan is full of them. And what’s with the earthquake intensity being revised from 8.9 to 9? It’s so obviously staged.” he said once again and slept on the conference table.
As the conference went on, we came across a big blob of goo which was in fact Michael Moore. “Capitalism is bad” it said, as it continued to promote a documentary that it made two years back. “Do visit my website and purchase my DVDs” it continued before sliding away.
Meanwhile, Telangana agitators claim to have been inspired by the earthquake and plan to organize a ‘9.0 Richter March’ as a follow up to their ‘Million March’ that was inspired by Egypt. “That will show the Government”, said an unemployed youth to our correspondent in India who didn’t even ask him anything.
Girl Breaks up With Guy, but still wants to date him and get over him at the same time but not entirely, because there still might be a chance that it may work although she’s not a 100% sure
Rajshree Nanem, 22, has finally decided to break it off with her boyfriend of 2 years, exasperated sources said at 3 a.m. today. “This is not going to work out. I don’t see a future,” said Rajshree for the fourth time in as many days. “I’m quite sure about this,” she said as she finally worked up the strength and determination to stick to her choice.
“What do you think but? Am I doing the right thing?” asked Rajshree, quickly destroying the will power that she developed 5 minutes prior to this question. “He’s such an awesome guy, but I don’t know yeah. We’ve been fighting and he said some mean stuff, but I’m sure he didn’t mean any of that,” she reiterated for the second time that day.
On informing her that he had exams, Rajshree told our source that she would take no more than 2 more minutes of his time. “I think I made the mistake of forcing him into this whole thing. Oh man, now it seems like the last two years were a total waste,” she continued, 35 minutes later.
“But I love him,” she said as her brain went see-sawing yet again. She reacted very positively to the suggestion that she have a long discussion with her boyfriend about it, rather than with a third party, but that reaction was soon put to waste as she asked, “Do you think I’ll ever find anyone?”
Our source soon suggested that she take some time off and not talk to her boyfriend for a few weeks and then take it from there. “I think that will be the best thing,” said Rajshree in reaction to that suggestion. “But it’s going to be so difficult! What if he finds someone else in the meantime? What if he falls in love with someone else? What if he never wants to talk to me again? But I guess you’re right. I think this will be in the best interest of everyone,” she said, as she finally disconnected the call.
Our source then got a call 5 minutes later. It was Rajshree. “Thanks for the advice, [name withheld]. I got back with him! I love him to death and I think this will work!” she squealed before hanging up.
Our source got another call 18 hours later, but decided not to answer it.
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