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Archive for December 2009

Aamir Khan to produce, direct, write and star in new movie, to take perfectionism to a whole new level.

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December 31, 2009:

Written by SD, with a vital input from DB:

The in-form actor, Aamir Khan, fresh from the success of 3 Idiots has embarked on a mission that has industry watchers speculating to no end. Last week, he announced that he plans to write, produce, direct and star in his forthcoming, yet to be named film. Those close to him have indicated that he plans to take the idea of perfectionism to an entirely different orbit, although none of them was sure of how he plans to do that.

Producer of the yet to be named movie.

But those who do know are not pleased. We managed to chat with his personal secretary of 5 years, who said, “I don’t get this. He was quite normal before the general public tagged him as a ‘perfectionist’. Now he can’t get that out of his head. He wants everything to be perfect, but this is schizophrenic. On the first day of pre-production for his new movie, he comes up to my desk and says, ‘Hey, could you set up a meeting with the producer for 2 pm?’. He then walked into his chamber and came out within seconds and said, ‘Ooh, 2 pm is not good. I have a meeting with the damn script writer. That guy can’t seem to understand that things need to be changed while adapting a script to the screen.'”

The script writer who can't seem to understand

“I literally did not know what to do when he asked me that. I did not want to incur any of his wrath so I told him that I set the meeting up for 5 pm.”, continued the confused soul.

“I just thought he was having one of those celebrity things where they deeply identify themselves with public perception or whatever, but I got really worried when, at a closed meeting with the director, he got mad and threw a coffee mug across the table. The projectile hit and broke his Oscar Runner-up plaque. He then shouted, ‘This is ridiculous man! I can’t provide funds for you to buy actual human blood for the war scene. Use corn syrup like everyone else does, or get the hell outta his production!'”, recollected the secretary, still dazed from having to listen to that argument from outside the room.

Ignorance is bliss: Lead Actor of the highly anticipated film, unaware of the conflict between the producer and director.

“I just hope he gets better, if not for his sake, for the sake of the script writer and lead actor, who still think that things are going smoothly between the producer and director.”, said the secretary, who glanced at the clock, and quickly ran towards her desk saying, “Hey, Aamir should be back from the loo by now, its 11:24 am. Quick! You guys better leave. He might blame you for disturbing the vibrations of the workplace.”

We also managed to talk to Dee Bee, leading film critic and contemporary of Aamir Khan, who said without stopping to pause, “Soon, he’s going to go even further and play every single role in the movie, right down to the extras whose hand you barely get to see. His plan is also to score, edit and shoot the film, before planning every single aspect of its marketing, down to the grassroots level. The marketing of the film of course, will highlight the fact that he’s done everything in the film himself, and he’s already working on a script for a perfectionist film based on his perfectionist experiences making this film. In the upcoming perfectionist film, he will not only do everything he’s doing for this perfectionist film, he will also use the profits from this perfectionist film to fund the next perfectionist film about this perfectionist film, taking the term ‘independent movie’ to a whole new extreme. There were also rumours he wants to achieve the Holy Grail of film making, (well, it isn’t really)i.e. to make the whole film with a one-man crew, himself. Following which he wants to make another one-man perfectionist film about his experiences making this one-man perfectionist film, using the profits generated from the first one-man perfectionist film, which in all likelihood will be about his experience making a perfectionist film about his experiences making a perfectionist film.”

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Written by sirkapyaaz

December 31, 2009 at 3:26 PM

Posted in Entertainment

Pigeon confused in Uttar Pradesh, but not for long.

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December 24, 2009:

By SD:

A pigeon was confused in Uttar Pradesh for a brief moment today, as it stood perched on top of a statue.

“Hey!” thought the pigeon. “Didn’t this used to be a statue of an old, bald guy with spects and a stick in one hand? Now it looks like a short, fat…woman or man, I can’t be sure, with short hair and carrying a purse for some reason. I wonder why that old statue was replaced. Wow this is crazy, things change so quickly nowadays. Ah well..”

The bird did not let the confusion dampen its spirit and proceeded to lay fresh droppings onto the statue.

“That felt kinda good”, thought the pigeon. “In fact that felt much better that it did on the bald guy. Wait till my friends hear about this!”

“Hey guys, look at this new statue, it’s the best place to empty your bowels!” shouted the pigeon to a group of passing birds. He then flew off, presumably to grace another, similar statue with that day’s breakfast.

The statue of the man or woman that left the pigeon confused for a moment

What Happened to this guy

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Written by sirkapyaaz

December 29, 2009 at 2:56 PM

Rajkumar Hirani and Vidhu Vinod Chopra call Top Secret meeting of Bollywood producers to unveil new concept.

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December 28, 2009:

Written by SD:

The director and producer of the new Munnabhai MBBS spin off, i.e. Phunsuk Wangdu B.Tech, a.k.a 3 Idiots, organized a top secret meeting of Bollywood producers in a dimly lit room at a haunted gothic mansion on a creepy hill.

Location of the meeting

“We have successfully fooled India. Let me unveil the latest version of what I like to call ‘Creative Recycling'”, said Rajkumar Hirani, as he opened a PowerPoint slideshow. “We created a plot using the basic skeleton of the Munnabhai MBBS movie. Just like the former, 3 Idiots is a story of an overly emotional, too good to be true, quick witted dialogue speaking individual that takes on a cliched system in the form of a caricature played by Boman Irani. The protagonist falls in love with Irani’s daughter, and in a series of incidents, inspires everyone to cry for every little thing, and the movie ends with pretty much everyone coming of age and ‘proof’ that the protagonists way of thinking is indeed the right way. Not to mention bringing a comatose patient back to life with only the ‘power of love'”. “So what we did here was change the hospital into a college, give it a youthful feel by casting actors aged 44, 39, and 30 respectively to play the lead roles as first year college students and finally, make it a lot funnier with the addition of strategically placed fart jokes. Oh those fart jokes, they never go out of style. We inserted many classic email forwards like the one about the zero gravity pen, to make the lead actor sound intelligent. We also included many close up shots of Sharman Joshi in tears”, he continued, moving from slide to slide. “There we have it folks, a new era has arrived. An era where movie goers can be fooled into liking recycled scripts. An era of creative conservatism, if you will.”, he concluded, rubbing his hands in glee, with the final slide showing a standard clipart of two bags of money. The meeting ended in cliched style, with the producers laughing evilly while lightning strikes in the background.

Innovator, Recycler, Thinker.

Sharman Joshi, in a rare moment of non-crying.

Written by sirkapyaaz

December 28, 2009 at 3:12 PM

Posted in Entertainment

N.D Tiwari quits Governorship, leaves for “greener pastures” to LA.

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Originally Published on December 26, 2009:

Written by SD:

The Andhra Pradesh Governor handed in his resignation today, and left to Los Angeles to pursue his childhood dream. “It has been an emotional couple of days for him”, said a close associate. “Ever since he was a child, he dreamt of being a porn exhibitionist. But such is the nature of life, that he found himself in the unsavoury world of politics.”

In quite the opposite of what happened to Tiger Woods, the sex scandal has given Tiwari (who legally changed his name to Towery “xxx” McFeast today) a new lease of life, even at the death (but not gravity) defying age of 86.

Tiwari cited “stifling creativity”, and “could not concentrate on my life’s calling”, as reasons for his resignation. “He does not want to be in a place that judges him for having a foursome with pregnant and barely adult women while in the highest public office. Which is why he has moved to the porn industry in LA. Men doing men, women doing women while men watch, he has an endless choice of roles. He wants to be part of the niche “mature fetish” segment. Besides, he craves the production value that a professional adult movie brings to the table, which is why he chose LA.”, said the associate, his face brimming with the pride a father feels when his son finally makes it in life.

“He was a freedom fighter, and now he’s fighting for a different kind of freedom. A freedom of expression of one’s sexuality. I look forward to the day he finally achieves his dream of making a 14 hour bondage sex-tape with midgets and goats.”, he continued, now fighting back tears.

It was further reported that once Towery has achieved his lifelong dream, he hopes to move into mainstream cinema under the directorship of Roland Emmerich. “Or Michael Bay”, added the associate.

The Future Face of the Grand-adult movie industry.

Written by sirkapyaaz

December 26, 2009 at 3:01 PM

Congress Party Fails to achieve Consensus on Pizza Order.

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December 23, 2009:
Written by: SD
The Congress Understanding for a New Telangana State, a committee that does not like to use the abbreviated version of its name, today unintentionally ticked a Domino’s guy off when they called to order lunch.

The committee had a meeting today, and for the whole of yesterday and the day before, at Sonia Gandhi’s house at New Delhi. They deliberated on the Telangana issue till 2 pm, at which time they took a lunch break. The Congress MPs, in a unanimous show of sycophancy decided to order Italian, and promptly called up Dominos. “Yes, Dominos”, said Manmohan Singh, who was given the onerous duty of placing the order in his capacity as the ex-officio chairman of the Planning Commission and that of an economist.

“Yeah, I would like to order one…no no, three… wait….hey listen up, I’m on the phone with the pizza guy, what should I get?” said Manmohan, as the other ministers stood fixated on a youtube video of a monkey picking and eating lice from another monkeys fur . “Get me a fresh veggie”, shouted P.Chidambaram from across the room. “Yeah, get me a half spicy chicken and half pepperoni, with extra cheese, and make it thin crust” interjected Pranab Mukherjee. All other MPs began shouting their preferences as well, which caused Manmohan to let out a long sigh and say to the Dominos guy, “Just wait a minute, ill get everyone’s views on this”. He then proceeded to shout something that was absolutely inaudible.

Miffed: P.Chidambaram calls shotgun on the first five slices. Sadly, the order was never placed.

The noise and confusion did not subside even after 10 minutes, at which point Soniaji entered the room and shouted, “Shh, this is not the parliament, this is lunch. We need to get this wrapped up quickly so that we can continue our discussions”. She then paused, looked around and let out a smirk saying, “No pun intended”. This was followed by peals of forced laughter by the MPs, with one MP going to the extent of drinking a glass of hot coffee and forcing it out of his nose.

“Look, the ’30 minutes or free’ offer starts only from the time we take the complete order, not from the time you call”, said the pizza guy, who seemed to be losing his patience. “Why don’t you just call back when you decide”, he continued. But his words fell on deaf ears as the laughter continued in the background. The pizza guy, irritated by the waste of his time, hung up and got on with his work.

Also Miffed: "I think they were trying to score free pizzas. Not on my watch."

Later in the day, the Congress still had not decided on the Telangana issue. They, however, came out with a statement saying, “We have not gone forward with the issue. But we have not gone backwards either. We urge the public to be patient. This is a serious issue, it’s not as easy as ordering pizza.”

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Written by sirkapyaaz

December 24, 2009 at 6:04 AM

Posted in National, Politics

KCR and the Govt. reach an agreement to carve out a separate state from KCR’s big nose.

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December 10th, 2009:

Written by SD, who, thanks to the badly planned bandobast had to travel 32 km to reach his home, which is just 7 km away.

The 10 day long fast unto death was ended last night by K. Chandrasekhara Rao, leader of the TRS party, after the UPA Govt agreed to his demand to create his own state of Telangana.

“It’s true”, said a visibly tired Manmohan Singh. He managed to inject some (albeit dry) humor into the situation saying, “KCR pulled a ‘fast’ and ‘deadly’ one”, further reinforcing the belief that old economists cannot be funny. “We plan to create a part of Telangana from KCR’s nose, but his nose would yield us only 8400 sq km of land. The rest of the land that would constitute Telangana would be carved from Andhra Pradesh. Who are we to deny the constitutional right of a person to be the warlord of his own kingdom?” There had always been reports that you could “create a completely new person from KCR’s nose”, or, “Never stand close to KCR because if he turned around, his moving nose could punch you in the face” but those had been in the realm of internet conspiracies/humor.

This is the second time that his nose has come to the public eye, the first time being a controversy that was created when Al Gore named KCR’s nose as the third largest contributor to the CO2 levels in the world.

“Look at America, they have 50 states”, said one Congress Politician. “We have only 28. We want to be just like them. We need at least another 22 states, so this is a step in the right direction”, he said, while on his way to therapy for low self esteem.

KCR and his son (who, as it turns out, was actually created out of KCR’s nose) went on a fast unto death last week, creating a major breakdown of law and order in the state. “We are finally vindicated”, said his son, even as the heroic Irom Sharmila entered the 10th year of her fast unto death while languishing in the north eastern state of Manipur. “No one has ever fasted unto death for more than 10 days like we have”, lied the ignorant son, who was so faceless up to this point, that the author cannot even remember his name.

Another politician said, “Sure, there are negative aspects. Historically, smaller states have never been successful. Creation of a new state could lead to Hyderabad losing some of its prominence in the country. Everyone would start demanding a state of their own. Naxals would get powerful and aggressive. Governance would be an issue. Unemployment will surely rise. Politicians will plunder the state for what it’s worth. Telangana would be poor because other than Hyderabad and Khammam, they have nothing. Powerful games will be played. Lots of illegal money will be transferred. The common man would suffer. But look at the bright side. It’s good for the local economy. Painters and sign makers will generate a lot of profits because all the sign boards, vehicle number plates etc have to be changed and, you know, other stuff as well.”

It was later reported that the UPA Govt. has asked the All India Institute of Medical Sciences to study whether KCR’s nose, once it grows back, could be used to create spines for themselves.

In a related development, many “For Sale” signs have been put up on various plots of government land across the country. On enquiry, it was found that this land is part of the “Run your own fiefdom” scheme. To qualify, one must undergo a fast unto death and create as much of a disturbance as is possible. This has created some unnecessary ramifications. “Look at that tree”, said an unemployee. “Now look at this other tree”, he said pointing to another tree nearby.” I want all that land to be part of my own state. ” He then proceeded to take a wooden log and mercilessly beat a nearby pensioner as part of the “disturbance” he needed to create in order to qualify.

Naxals too have come out with a statement. “Creation of another state has now made us more powerful because we now have our influence running across not one, but two states. We are now twice as powerful”, said the Naxal leader while all of us stood there scratching our heads, not quite getting his logic.

The day ended with reports that KCR is alive and well at the hospital. He had a glass of juice soon after the announcement was made, and shouted out to the doctors, “Now, bow before me!”. He then mentioned something about declaring war over Karunanidhi and taking over part of Chennai. As he went on with his rant, someone mentioned that it was still a democracy and he needed to get elected to become the Chief Minister of Telangana, and that he couldn’t just declare wars against other states at will. At this point, KCR sat on the bed and cried until someone gave him a candy bar. Loyal party workers then sang their rendition of a popular Telangana lullabye before he finally fell asleep, with his thumb in his mouth.

KCR is scheduled for surgery tomorrow, to remove a large part of his nose. 600 bulldozers have been leased for this purpose, although the country’s leading vets claim that holding KCR’s nose for a while would result in him dropping off his nose. This is a form of defense mechanism commonly used by lizards. Doctors would then need to soak his face in a mixture of warm water and Betadine.

Written by sirkapyaaz

December 10, 2009 at 5:43 AM

Posted in National, Politics

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