Sirka Pyaaz – The Galaxy's Leading Satire Tri-monthly

Aamir Khan to produce, direct, write and star in new movie, to take perfectionism to a whole new level.

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December 31, 2009:

Written by SD, with a vital input from DB:

The in-form actor, Aamir Khan, fresh from the success of 3 Idiots has embarked on a mission that has industry watchers speculating to no end. Last week, he announced that he plans to write, produce, direct and star in his forthcoming, yet to be named film. Those close to him have indicated that he plans to take the idea of perfectionism to an entirely different orbit, although none of them was sure of how he plans to do that.

Producer of the yet to be named movie.

But those who do know are not pleased. We managed to chat with his personal secretary of 5 years, who said, “I don’t get this. He was quite normal before the general public tagged him as a ‘perfectionist’. Now he can’t get that out of his head. He wants everything to be perfect, but this is schizophrenic. On the first day of pre-production for his new movie, he comes up to my desk and says, ‘Hey, could you set up a meeting with the producer for 2 pm?’. He then walked into his chamber and came out within seconds and said, ‘Ooh, 2 pm is not good. I have a meeting with the damn script writer. That guy can’t seem to understand that things need to be changed while adapting a script to the screen.'”

The script writer who can't seem to understand

“I literally did not know what to do when he asked me that. I did not want to incur any of his wrath so I told him that I set the meeting up for 5 pm.”, continued the confused soul.

“I just thought he was having one of those celebrity things where they deeply identify themselves with public perception or whatever, but I got really worried when, at a closed meeting with the director, he got mad and threw a coffee mug across the table. The projectile hit and broke his Oscar Runner-up plaque. He then shouted, ‘This is ridiculous man! I can’t provide funds for you to buy actual human blood for the war scene. Use corn syrup like everyone else does, or get the hell outta his production!'”, recollected the secretary, still dazed from having to listen to that argument from outside the room.

Ignorance is bliss: Lead Actor of the highly anticipated film, unaware of the conflict between the producer and director.

“I just hope he gets better, if not for his sake, for the sake of the script writer and lead actor, who still think that things are going smoothly between the producer and director.”, said the secretary, who glanced at the clock, and quickly ran towards her desk saying, “Hey, Aamir should be back from the loo by now, its 11:24 am. Quick! You guys better leave. He might blame you for disturbing the vibrations of the workplace.”

We also managed to talk to Dee Bee, leading film critic and contemporary of Aamir Khan, who said without stopping to pause, “Soon, he’s going to go even further and play every single role in the movie, right down to the extras whose hand you barely get to see. His plan is also to score, edit and shoot the film, before planning every single aspect of its marketing, down to the grassroots level. The marketing of the film of course, will highlight the fact that he’s done everything in the film himself, and he’s already working on a script for a perfectionist film based on his perfectionist experiences making this film. In the upcoming perfectionist film, he will not only do everything he’s doing for this perfectionist film, he will also use the profits from this perfectionist film to fund the next perfectionist film about this perfectionist film, taking the term ‘independent movie’ to a whole new extreme. There were also rumours he wants to achieve the Holy Grail of film making, (well, it isn’t really)i.e. to make the whole film with a one-man crew, himself. Following which he wants to make another one-man perfectionist film about his experiences making this one-man perfectionist film, using the profits generated from the first one-man perfectionist film, which in all likelihood will be about his experience making a perfectionist film about his experiences making a perfectionist film.”

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Written by sirkapyaaz

December 31, 2009 at 3:26 PM

Posted in Entertainment

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