Sirka Pyaaz – The Galaxy's Leading Satire Tri-monthly

Archive for January 2010

INDIAN SPORTS ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE AS ILLOGICAL CONTRACT TALKS DOMINATE PROCEEDINGS.

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Written by DB, Not just any DB, but THE DB:

30th January 2010:

The lucrative, excessive, repulsive, derivative, loud, crass bandwagon that is Indian cricket, was on the brink of collapse yesterday following players’ contract negotiations. With the specter of the3rd edition of the Indian Premier League looming large, it was seemingly inevitable that the situation would come to this. A highly ambiguous statement released last evening by Lalit Modi, Founding Assh*le and Chief Plagiarist, IPL, stated “It is unclear right now as to what exactly the players’ stance is, as it is difficult to determine how much more undeserved cash they want. As the whole cricketing world knows, wages for cricketers in this country depend not on form, experience, seniority, or even ability, but purely on the whims and fancies of corporations and the players they wish to bankroll and exploit like high-class prostitutes.” In all seriousness, contrary to popular belief, this was the official statement. No remotely probable coherence has yet been arrived at.

"Royal Mirage" Hotel, befittingly chosen as the BCCI meeting venue

Speculation is rife as to what exactly transpired behind the closed doors of the Royal Mirage, Macau, where the meeting was held, and where apparently not a single member of any delegation gambled. Curiosity at the choice of venue is understandable, however this is quickly dispelled upon closer inspection. According to not-so-discreet sources, the high-profile location was chosen just so that the BCCI could show off their financial influence, which they love doing, despite the complete absurdity of the whole affair. The same sources however, who were judicious enough to keep their identities anonymous, for a couple of days anyway, also revealed rumours that players were demanding that owing to the tremendous initial success of the rip-off known as the IPL, EVERY SINGLE aspect of successful foreign leagues be imitated, completely and conveniently disregarding the fact that they are for different sports altogether. The biggest bone of contention was the transfer contracts amongst franchisees in the IPL, as the players wish for foreign football league rules to be applied here.

In recent times, a trend that has engulfed football contracts has been a cleverly-named ‘buy-out clause’ which in a nutshell means that in order to break existing agreed contract terms, clubs wishing to sign the player in concern have to pay some meaningless, astronomical figure and everyone goes home rich. With global superstars like Lionel Messi of Barcelona F.C., Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid F.C., and Wayne Rooney of Manchester United F.C. having recently signed such contracts, each with a buy-out clause of $30 billion, $50 billion and $80 billion respectively, our cricketers wish for similar contractual terms, despite the fact that they are not even recognized beyond the shores of Wasteland India. This was highlighted recently when the captain MS Dhoni was recently asked to clean up a pile of dog shit at Johannesburg International Airport, an incident that sparked outrage as usual, leading to extensive incineration of unrelated parties’ effigies and the destruction of at least 300 buses, resulting in 7,000 confirmed deaths and a conservative estimate of at least 10 million tonnes of carbon monoxide released into the atmosphere. Our dumb-as-a-dildo cricketers however, failed to grasp the fact that the player does not receive any percentage of this sum, as the entire thing goes to his team, which is the point of the god-damn clause in the first place. It somehow also slipped past our extremely well-informed cricketers that nobody in the history of buy-out clauses, or in the history of clauses itself, has been stupid enough to actually pay these monies.

Our most recently confirmed rumours stated that amongst the players, the most vociferous were Yuvraj Singh who was, without any comprehensible reason whatsoever, randomly demanding a minimum of $250 million, Harbhajan Singh was insanely, randomly demanding that international racism laws be re-drafted to his convenience, in addition to $500 million, and Rohit Sharma was crazily demanding that all international boundaries be further shortened to school distances for easier hitting, in addition to $1 billion. Of the non-financial demands, Virat Kohli was heavily campaigning for gay rights for cricketers, Praveen Kumar was demanding that treatment for his syphilis, gonorrhea and AIDS be taken care of by the BCCI, and Pragyan Ojha was demanding free education not for his village, his childhood village neighbourhood, or his village kids, but for himself. Besides the senior cricketers, the only composed “player” was supposedly S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, who like a pansy, basically only requested that he be recognised as a cricketer, and his maximum demand was for some fuck*ng respect.

"Waa! And..I told him...sniff..I told him, that he must call me a cricketer..but..but he refused..Sree want hug, Preity, full breasted hug"

Kohli, trying to throw himself onto someone.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

January 30, 2010 at 4:15 PM

God Talks to Man On Acid Trip.

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Written by SD:

HYDERABAD, January 30, 2010:

A young man, Rajesh Nanem, 23, claimed that he had a revelation from God last night.

“I was at this rave when the incident happened.”, said Mr. Nanem, who consumed three Hoffman LSD Stamps in a span of 8 minutes.

“I was with my friends, and I may have been tripping balls, but I am certain that God talked to me. I was dancing when suddenly, the world around me lost shape and I went into a tizzy. I guess that was God’s way of calling me. I was not sure what was happening and suddenly, I hear this booming voice saying, ‘Rajesh, are you alright?’. God wanted to know if my life was in order. I was shocked. I mean, God talked to me, THE God. I replied saying that my life sucked. And God once again tells me ‘Get up! Wake up! Open your eyes!” but this time in a feminine voice. But that’s God for you. He is omnipotent, and can easily take a voice of a woman. God was asking me to wake up, stop living an artificial life and see the world through the eyes of the blessed.” said Mr. Nanem, who was now trying to come up with a name for his new religion.

“At this point, I found myself being lifted off the ground. My face and hair were moist. I was levitating into the clouds! I was in a state of total bliss, when God once again in his booming, manly voice said, ‘You need to get out of here. How about going to Paradise?’. God wanted me to leave this worldly existence and take up his work. And he promised to send me to the paradise called Heaven if I did. I was absolutely ecstatic” continued Rajesh, looking into the distance.

Place of Revelation: Rajesh Hopes for followers of his religion to make this his holy shrine

“I woke up this evening and wondered if it was all a dream. It could not be because my butt is sore from when I fell down last night. I better get to work now. I have a few kick-ass ideas for my religion” said Mr. Nanem before pushing us out of his room.

We contacted one of his friends who said, “Last night was bad. Rajesh was tripping like a madman. He actually grabbed two stamps from my pocket and popped them. He fell down a few minutes later and was completely knocked out. We had to carry him all the way to Paradise Restaurant to get some food into his system. We got him back home and tucked him in but not before he puked on my face and all over my steering wheel. Bad night.”

The Holy Stamp: Behold, he gave unto them the sacred Acid Stamp, and sayeth, "Thou shalt pop one every week"

Written by sirkapyaaz

January 30, 2010 at 12:00 AM

Posted in Society/Life

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President A.P.J Abdul Kalam Addresses Nation On Republic Day Eve

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By: SD
New Delhi: 27 January 2010,

India celebrated 60 years of being a Republic yesterday, with the President, Dr. A.P.J Abdul Kalam kicking off celebrations with the customary Republic Day address to the Nation. The President identified tardy implemenation and corruption as major impediments to double digit growth as we enter a new decade.

“Empowering the poor and the disadvantaged, enabling them to move up the economic ladder, to join the ranks of the prosperous, is a task that must be accomplished by all of us. Women need to be made full and equal partners” said Dr. Kalam, who was addressing the nation on Republic Day for the 8th time.

“This decade will be the deciding decade for India,” said the Bharat Ratna recepient, who, in 2007 unsuccessfully tried to blindsight the country by undergoing a complete sex change operation. “The need is to now draw a roadmap to inclusive growth” continued the ‘Missile Man’ in a woman’s voice.

He also called for urgent steps to reign in food price inflation. “We have to involve the agricultural economy more pro-actively into the growth process, both as a centre of production and as a generator of demand for various products and services.” said the spectacled Dr. Kalam, who, in 2007, underwent a painful process to deliberately induce hyperopia, and an even more painful process of height reduction.

“Development must be Holistic” continued the bindi wearing Dr. Kalam, whose head was covered in a Sari. Strongly advocating greater synergy between the corporate world and the agriculture sector, the President said the “possibility of win-win partnerships between industry and agriculture should be explored”.

Children's President: Dr. Kalam continues to inspire children all over the country. Including the kid to his left (in the top row)

“I used to get inspired by Kalam uncle’s speeches” said 15 year old Karunesh. “He is a true Indian. But, of late, his speeches have become quite drab and boring. And his face used to be so expressive. I think that extensive plastic surgery damaged some facial nerves. I like his versatility though.”

At a press conference later that day, we asked Dr. Kalam if he plans to write a sequel to his book ‘Wings of Fire’ to include his experiences as the President, to which he replied by calling himself ‘Pratibha Patil’, presumably as a joke. Readers will note that this is the pseudonym under which he is currently writing an inspirational new fictional autobiography in Marathi called ‘A woman’s journey’, which chronicles the rise of a woman to the office of the President.

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(The idea for this post came to me after reading this Onion article)

Written by sirkapyaaz

January 27, 2010 at 5:39 PM

Prospective Recruit Irritates Professor of Terrorism

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Prospective Recruit Irritates Professor of Terrorism.

Written by the man named Anon:

Pakistan: January 25, 2010,

In an event that threatened to derail the plans of recruiters, Abdul Razak,
21, got on the nerves of Prof. Bovine Feci, ex-christian, now Deputy
Recruiter for Lashkar-e-Toiba, at a recruitment drive organised by them.

“Asalam Alaikum”, announced Prof. Feci at the shady event.”Welcome to
the information session for the Hyderabad Terror Attacks, Class of 2011.
As you are probably aware, the Prophet asked us to kill those Kafirs by
committing Jihad. So that’s your duty. You will spend the rest of eternity
in heaven after you carry out your sacred duty. Now, I know it’s difficult to
kill yourself and others in the process, but think of the rewards. Heaven is
a beautiful place, with gold palaces, fountains scented with camphor,
beautiful horses and camels, and most importantly, the Hadith states that
God has promised 72 virgins, with full breas…”

“Each?”, interrupted someone from the back.

“I’m sorry, what?”, asked the Professor.

“As in, do we get 72 virgins each? I was looking through the brochure you
gave us, and was just wondering.”, asked Abdul, now standing up.

“Uh, yes, why?”, replied Prof. Feci.

“You know, because it would be disappointing if it was 72 virgins for the
whole of heaven. More so, because 1300 years have passed since the Islam
was started. I mean, a lot of men would have gone to heaven since then.”,
explained Abdul.

“Oh, yes, yes, each. I am sure of that”, said the Professor. “Now, where was
I? Yes, the Hadith says that you will…..”

“Do we get to have sex with them?”, interrupted Abdul, once again.

“Uh?”, asked the Professor.

“Because in the brochure, it only says that you would get 72 virgins. It
doesn’t specifically mention anything about sex. I don’t want to blow myself
up only to end up getting 72 virgins I cannot do anything with. I would then
have to ‘blow myself’ in Heaven”, said Razak and then looked around to see
if anyone was smiling. No one was.

“Yes, you get to have sex with them”, said the Professor.

“I mean, if I went to heaven and met 72 beautiful virgins that refuse to
have sex with me, I don’t know what I would do to those horses and camels,
especially since I have to abstain from sex on earth. I don’t want to end up
frustrated and steal bricks from the gold palaces to try and entice the
women to have sex with me.”, said Abdul.

“I told you! You can do them till there is no tread left in the tyres. Ok?”,
said Prof. Feci impatiently. “So I was saying that the Hadi….”

“Ugh. But I have to spend an eternity in Heaven. I don’t want to end up
throwing hot dogs down hallways.”, interrupted Abdul, yet again.

The Professor seemed a little ruffled. “Yes, but see. The women become
virgins once again each time you have sex with them. So that solves the
problem right?”, he said, unconvincingly.

“I guess that’s fair. But that would be a little boring too. I mean, that
would just lead to a whole lot of unsatisfying sex with inexperienced women.”
replied Abdul.

“No, No! They keep the experience. They become virgins again physically.”,
said the Professor, now completely losing patience.

“But what about the current status of heaven? The description of heaven in
the brochure was given 1300 years ago. How can you be sure that humans
didn’t just mess everything up there? 1300 years is a lot of time, and there
have been no updations. How do you know that I’ll go to heaven and not hell?
I don’t want to get assraped by Shaitan for eternity.”, said Abdul.

Prof. Feci had a look of victory in his face and said, “Ah! I have the
perfect answer to your question. Here are some photos sent by Mohammed
Atta from heaven. See, there you see him wearing silk robes and enjoying
himself. And in this other photo, you see him having a 73-some with the virgins.
Notice that others in the background are also having 73-somes. And in this
other photo, you can see him and his buddy giving it to a camel. You see, in
heaven, there is no judgment, so you can do as you please. I can send a copy
of these photos to you if you want.” said the Professor, while handing out a few
photos. “So, as I was saying, the Had…”

“But how did they..?”, interrupted Abdul yet again.

“That’s it, you son of a bitch! Get out of this room. And never come back. I
will make sure that you don’t get admitted to heaven. You will go to hell
and get raped like those bloody pagan Hindus!”, shouted Prof. Feci at the
top of his voice, and then had three gun bearing children escort Abdul out
of the room.

As of press time, Prof. Feci successfully recruited 8 people into the newly
set up “Bomb that bitch, Abdul Razak’s house Class of Next Week”

Final Project submitted by Prof. Bovine Feci's class of 2001

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Written by sirkapyaaz

January 25, 2010 at 11:52 AM

ICAI to Fight Obesity.

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Written By SD

Hyderabad: 21 January 2010,

The Institute of Chartered Accountants of India, the body that regulates the profession in India, today encouraged the country to try it’s weight loss programme.

“Indians are increasingly becoming obese. So many people are paying through their nose to weight loss centers like VLCC. We have a cheaper, more effective method. The Chartered Accountancy course.”, announced the spokesman, while holding up the programme brochure.

“This programme has a three pronged strategy. That is, Study, Articleship and Dejection. The ‘Study’ strategy would involve the participant spending long hours studying boring, mind numbing things that he/she has no interest in. Like Information Technology. Numbness of the mind, coupled with lack of sleep and anxiety would easily shave 5-6 kilos off someone. The second strategy is called ‘Articleship’ where a participant would need to work with CA Firm. This is the golden period for weight loss. Here the participant spends 12-14 hours a day doing repetitive tasks that are, again, mind numbing. But this period would also involve eating less, and spending a lot of time traveling to factories in god-forsaken places. Not to mention lack of sleep. By the end of this stage, we expect the person to shed another 12-15 kilos”, continued the spokesman.

“Our third strategy is called ‘Dejection’. Here, we ensure that the participant fails his/her exams at least once. The subsequent dejection, depression and lack of motivation to do anything would ensure a loss of another 10 kilos. This stage of weight shedding would be the quickest, occurring over 6 days after exam results are announced. So we use a combination of these strategies. In addition, we employ various tactics. One of the tactics is to ensure that Suggested Answers books are not available anywhere. This would cause the participant to run around looking for them. That, along with anxiety would burn thousands of calories.”, said the spokesman.

“There could also be a massive bonus in case your audit firm gets caught in a Satyam-like issue. That’s if the participant is lucky enough. But, we guarantee that a participant would lose 15-20% of his/her weight by the end of the course”, concluded the spokesman.

“If they ever manage to complete it.”, said the spokesman as he left the podium.

Move over, Subway Guy: BEFORE and AFTER. This participant was committed to the dejection strategy

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Written by sirkapyaaz

January 21, 2010 at 12:32 PM

Indian Oil Corporation Commissions Phase-I of Mega-Project.

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Written by SD:

Hyderabad: January 20, 2010,

Private Pride: Reliance Jamnagar Refining Plant. With the commissioning of a new refinery adjacent to the existing one, this petrochemical complex became (and still is) the world's largest.

The Indian Oil Corporation today unveiled two new ‘mega’ plants at Hyderabad, to better compete with the two refineries built by Reliance Industries at Jamnagar (which were build on a record scale and in record time).

The mammoth infrastructural venture was the ‘brainchild’ Mr. Sadhu Karmake, the IAS officer who went on to become a Member of Parliament multiple times on different tickets, and then became the Managing Director of the Indian Oil Company after lobbying hard for legislation to allow MPs to head public sector companies. Phase-I of the project was implemented over 54 months and was inaugurated this morning.

“We had initially planned an outlay of Rs.80,000 crores, but the global recession of 2008 made fund-raising very difficult during the middle stages, so we had to rely on the stimulus package given by the Government. But I can proudly state that we have now fully executed Phase – I. Moreover,  we have adhered to all Government standards while doing so.”, said the MD.

When confronted with rumors of cost overruns, Mr. Sadhu said, “See, there will always be gaps. I have been part of the Government long enough to know that there is always a slight gap between planning and implementation. Besides, this is just the first phase. ”

“Since the price of crude oil is well within our comfort zone, we no longer need to support ourselves with Oil Bonds. So we hope to increase the cap-ex outlay for Phase-II to Rs. 92,000 crores.”, said Mr. Sadhu, before signing off with the company slogan, “Cleanliness is the symbol of Civilisation.”

Our reporter had the exclusive opportunity to take photos of the completed project.

Click HERE to view the pictures.

Note: These photos are exclusive and have been brought to readers at a great cost.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

January 21, 2010 at 11:00 AM

Posted in Corporate

Man Suddenly Changes his Views on Telangana.

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By SD:

HYDERABAD: January 20, 2010.

A local man suddenly changed his stand on the creation of a separate state of Telangana.

“This is a democracy, and if citizens choose to create a new state, so be it”, said Umesh Reddy, 32, who inherited 8.4 acres of land in Visakhapatnam when his uncle passed away last week. “We should be sensitive to the needs of others”, he continued, taking a complete U-turn from his earlier stand that a new state would “screw things up” and that “people would think I’m some villager if I say I’m from Telangana”.

“I was initially pretty apprehensive, but on deeper thought, I realised that splitting the state would benefit the country”, said the recently laid off man, whose newly inherited land is likely to double in value when Visakhapatnam becomes the new capital of Andhra Pradesh if the state is split.

We contacted one of his friends, who said, “Umesh was staunchly against the creation of Telangana. Why, just the day before yesterday, he rallied all of us to join him in some protest march against K.Chandrasekhara Rao. He also set up a blog called United Andhra. And the very next day, I see him on TV, shouting slogans against the Congress Party, burning effigies and what not.”

The confused friend continued, “It gets weirder. I opened my inbox this morning to see an invitation to subscribe to his new blog, Telangana4progress. He actually went to the extent of advertising this blog on Rediff. I was confused and when I called him, he said that he had a ‘moment of clarity’, and that he wants to ‘fight’ for the people of Telangana. He also chided me for ‘being selfish’ when I told him that I still supported a unified state.”

As of press time, Mr. Reddy was frantically deleting his old blog entries, one of which was titled “Only jobless losers support Telangana!”

The Proposed New State of Andhra Pradesh, which looks like an inverted chicken leg.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

January 20, 2010 at 10:25 AM

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