Sirka Pyaaz – The Galaxy's Leading Satire Tri-monthly

Cigarette Berates Man, Humankind.

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Written by SD:

In an event that’s unusual for most people, a cigarette vented out its frustrations to a local youngster this afternoon.

“You!”, shouted the cigarette from between the fingers of the man sitting on his living room couch. “Yeah, I’m talking to you”, it continued, as the man looked around to see if it was referring to someone else.

“Don’t you dare touch that lighter. You humans make me want to puke. You torture and kill billions of us everyday by applying fire to our heads and then sucking the life out of us through our butts. Do you know how disgusting that is? It sounds like something out of a depraved Japanese porn movie. Man, you humans are a perverted species. And whats the deal with some people? They rip our insides out and then mix it with those of that hippie, marijuana. I mean, how would you feel if i ripped your intestines out, chopped them up and mixed them with a hippie’s intestines? I thought as much. And you blame us for being one of the largest killers of humans! What nonsense! And I’m sure you don’t know what it’s like to have irate parents discriminate against you for no fault of your own.”, said the cylindrical tobacco product, but was unsuccessful in eliciting a desired response.

A glimpse of the massacre unleashed by cruel humans.

“Don’t just stare at me with that sense of disbelief. Wow. You don’t feel sorry at all do you? You think I am not capable of anything huh? Why don’t you pop another one of those LSD pills and I’ll show you what I can REALLY do!”, said the cigarette, with a sense of purpose not usually associated with them.

The cigarette was now starting to feel like it was talking to the walls. “Hah! I don’t believe this. I’m going to kill you, you remorseless son of a bitch! The souls of my friends who you relentlessly tortured are going to kill you. Oh I promise you, its going to slow and painful. Reservoir Dogs style! Hahahaha! Wait..what..no no! Don’t pick that lighter up! I was just kidding. I swear! We can be friends..right? Don’t…No..NOOOoooooo..”, shouted the cigarette before its voice trailed off as the man lit it.

“Dude, this is some good shit! Where did you get these pills from?”, exclaimed the man to his friend, who was busy having an argument with a coat hanger.
(Don’t Do Drugs)

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Written by sirkapyaaz

January 4, 2010 at 3:19 PM

Posted in Society/Life

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