Sirka Pyaaz – The Galaxy's Leading Satire Tri-monthly

INDIAN SPORTS ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE AS ILLOGICAL CONTRACT TALKS DOMINATE PROCEEDINGS.

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Written by DB, Not just any DB, but THE DB:

30th January 2010:

The lucrative, excessive, repulsive, derivative, loud, crass bandwagon that is Indian cricket, was on the brink of collapse yesterday following players’ contract negotiations. With the specter of the3rd edition of the Indian Premier League looming large, it was seemingly inevitable that the situation would come to this. A highly ambiguous statement released last evening by Lalit Modi, Founding Assh*le and Chief Plagiarist, IPL, stated “It is unclear right now as to what exactly the players’ stance is, as it is difficult to determine how much more undeserved cash they want. As the whole cricketing world knows, wages for cricketers in this country depend not on form, experience, seniority, or even ability, but purely on the whims and fancies of corporations and the players they wish to bankroll and exploit like high-class prostitutes.” In all seriousness, contrary to popular belief, this was the official statement. No remotely probable coherence has yet been arrived at.

"Royal Mirage" Hotel, befittingly chosen as the BCCI meeting venue

Speculation is rife as to what exactly transpired behind the closed doors of the Royal Mirage, Macau, where the meeting was held, and where apparently not a single member of any delegation gambled. Curiosity at the choice of venue is understandable, however this is quickly dispelled upon closer inspection. According to not-so-discreet sources, the high-profile location was chosen just so that the BCCI could show off their financial influence, which they love doing, despite the complete absurdity of the whole affair. The same sources however, who were judicious enough to keep their identities anonymous, for a couple of days anyway, also revealed rumours that players were demanding that owing to the tremendous initial success of the rip-off known as the IPL, EVERY SINGLE aspect of successful foreign leagues be imitated, completely and conveniently disregarding the fact that they are for different sports altogether. The biggest bone of contention was the transfer contracts amongst franchisees in the IPL, as the players wish for foreign football league rules to be applied here.

In recent times, a trend that has engulfed football contracts has been a cleverly-named ‘buy-out clause’ which in a nutshell means that in order to break existing agreed contract terms, clubs wishing to sign the player in concern have to pay some meaningless, astronomical figure and everyone goes home rich. With global superstars like Lionel Messi of Barcelona F.C., Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid F.C., and Wayne Rooney of Manchester United F.C. having recently signed such contracts, each with a buy-out clause of $30 billion, $50 billion and $80 billion respectively, our cricketers wish for similar contractual terms, despite the fact that they are not even recognized beyond the shores of Wasteland India. This was highlighted recently when the captain MS Dhoni was recently asked to clean up a pile of dog shit at Johannesburg International Airport, an incident that sparked outrage as usual, leading to extensive incineration of unrelated parties’ effigies and the destruction of at least 300 buses, resulting in 7,000 confirmed deaths and a conservative estimate of at least 10 million tonnes of carbon monoxide released into the atmosphere. Our dumb-as-a-dildo cricketers however, failed to grasp the fact that the player does not receive any percentage of this sum, as the entire thing goes to his team, which is the point of the god-damn clause in the first place. It somehow also slipped past our extremely well-informed cricketers that nobody in the history of buy-out clauses, or in the history of clauses itself, has been stupid enough to actually pay these monies.

Our most recently confirmed rumours stated that amongst the players, the most vociferous were Yuvraj Singh who was, without any comprehensible reason whatsoever, randomly demanding a minimum of $250 million, Harbhajan Singh was insanely, randomly demanding that international racism laws be re-drafted to his convenience, in addition to $500 million, and Rohit Sharma was crazily demanding that all international boundaries be further shortened to school distances for easier hitting, in addition to $1 billion. Of the non-financial demands, Virat Kohli was heavily campaigning for gay rights for cricketers, Praveen Kumar was demanding that treatment for his syphilis, gonorrhea and AIDS be taken care of by the BCCI, and Pragyan Ojha was demanding free education not for his village, his childhood village neighbourhood, or his village kids, but for himself. Besides the senior cricketers, the only composed “player” was supposedly S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, who like a pansy, basically only requested that he be recognised as a cricketer, and his maximum demand was for some fuck*ng respect.

"Waa! And..I told him...sniff..I told him, that he must call me a cricketer..but..but he refused..Sree want hug, Preity, full breasted hug"

Kohli, trying to throw himself onto someone.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

January 30, 2010 at 4:15 PM

5 Responses

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  1. nice stuff man..i like the stuff you do..keep it up..

    sharyf

    January 30, 2010 at 5:29 PM

  2. dude, why are you republishing stuff here from Onionuttapam.com ?

    Rohit

    February 4, 2010 at 11:24 AM

  3. @sharyf- this one was written by the mysterious DB. More from him soon:)
    @rohit- we are contributing articles to onionuttapam:). More to come soon. Hope you enjoyed the blog:).

    sirkapyaaz

    February 4, 2010 at 7:32 PM

  4. […] to well-placed but not-too-bright sources, this news further empowers players following the recent breakdown in contract talks in Macau. As of when we went to press, Virat Kohli was still demanding gay rights for cricketers, with a […]

  5. Hahaha, brilliant! I hated cricket anyway, even before the lame ass IPL came.

    Aalap

    March 19, 2010 at 6:38 PM


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