Sirka Pyaaz – The Galaxy's Leading Satire Tri-monthly

Archive for February 2010

Parle faces flak over Hide ‘n’ Seek Milano biscuits.

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By SD:

Parle, the owner of the Hide ‘n’ Seek brand of biscuits found itself in a legal soup after thousands of consumers complained about the controversial new Hide ‘n’ Seek Milano. This product is currently endorsed by Hrithik Roshan and an extremely hot Italian model. The Milano brand has been plagued mostly by criticism (and some acclaim) right from the production process to its marketing.

Consumers complained that the biscuits smelt like sex and tasted like semen. “I did not see the television ad” said Deepak Singh, who is currently freaking out and rubbing his tongue with a pumice stone. “I did not know that Hrithik Roshan and that Italian chick actually had sex while preparing these biscuits. I felt weird when it tasted salty sweet and smelt like some sort of musky industrial solvent. When I saw the ad later on, I realized that the industrial solvent is most likely Hrithik’s semen. Gross!” he continued as he tried to lick the concrete road in an attempt to get Hrithik Roshan’s semen off his tongue. “Oh man, I just gave Hrithik Roshan a blow job. Fuck! Does that make me a homosexual? Oh no! What if I get AIDS? Holy Shit, I better get to a doctor” he screamed, with his tongue spraying blood all over the road.

Foreplay

“Yeah, it tasted like semen. That was so weird. I was like, what sort of new flavor is this? This is disgusting. I can’t believe I actually put those biscuits in my mouth” said an 18 year old female. When asked how she knew what semen tastes like, she turned red in the face and fumbled for words before walking away quickly.

The Government is not happy with Parle. “This is a blatant violation of standards. This is completely unacceptable. We have asked for a committee to look into this matter. This committee will be formed after we get due approval from a three member High Court bench, which will be constituted once the application for the constitution of a committee is authorized by another committee which is yet to be constituted. But still, sick shit.” said an official spokesman.

Some consumers feel that forgetting this trauma is the best way to go. “I was really messed up for a few days. But I realized that I needed to stop vomiting on strangers every time I thought of this. So now, I just think that the woman was lying on the biscuits while Hrithik was giving it to her. So, anything I ate was from the woman. That makes me feel much better, even though she could actually have been riding him.” said Rajesh Nanem, a student of the chemical arts.

However, not everyone is disgusted with Parle’s new approach to food processing. It has support from marketers that applauded Parle for the accurate portrayal of its production process. Consumers that wanted to have sex with Hrithik, or at least give him a blow job were very satisfied after ‘swallowing’ the biscuits while in sexual fantasy. Some opportunists are even attempting to extract Hrithik’s DNA from his baked semen and use that to create test tube babies, while some idiotic women were trying to shove the biscuits up their vaginas, hoping to get impregnated by his sperm.

We contacted Hrithik Roshan for his take on the issue. He claimed that he no longer represented Hide ‘n’ Seek Milano, citing ‘sore, blue balls’ as the reason for the decision to quit. “I just cannot meet the production demands. My balls need a gap of at least 30 minutes before they can start producing sperm again. So I can go through only 40 batches a day. Max. Besides, we found it difficult to have so much sex. It’s just not possible” he said as he held a pack of ice to his crotch area. “So I guess Parle can no longer produce these biscuits again. Unless they get someone else”

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 24, 2010 at 8:21 PM

Posted in Corporate, National

Local man 140% better than you

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By SD:

Ashrit Shah, 22, is 140% better than you at this moment. Why, you ask? It’s simple. For one, he takes home Rs. 60,000 a month, whereas you take home just Rs. 40,000. That makes him 50% better than you. He works in the Mergers and Acquisitions division of Goldman Sachs at Mumbai, whereas you work in a mid-market investment bank that doesn’t even have an international presence. What a loser you are! The fact that he works in Goldman alone pushes him upwards by another 10%.

When were you born? January 14th 1987? Man, you’re old. Ashrit is 11 months younger than you, yet earns more than you! The 11 months that he gained on you is worth at least another 10%. Don’t cringe, it’s alright. You could probably recover some lost ground, although I don’t know if you can catch up anytime soon. His life is already 70% more worthy than yours.

Oh and where did you do your schooling? Wow, that’s one of the top boarding schools in the country right? Ashrit is not as lucky as you are. He had to make do with a local school in his home town. And which college did you go to? Stephens? Well, that’s not much of a jump, is it? Ashrit went from his local school straight to an IIT. That huge leap would easily add another 10% to the value of his life. Maybe add another 5% since he took up engineering as his major, while you were one of those Commerce losers.

How about grades? You were a good student in school? You got above 80% every time, including in your Board exams? That’s not bad. But you did not improve by much. Ashrit, on the other hand, was a backbencher till Class 8, and his grades improved dramatically since then. This surge of quality in him is worth another 10%.

Is your dad still alive? You’ll be sorry to hear that Ashrit’s dad passed away when he was in Class 8. He was not as lucky as you to have had a complete family to support him in his journey. Yet, he is now in a better position than you. So that’s another 10%, which makes him…let’s see…105% better than you. You’re life is in serious danger of turning out to be quite futile.

What are your hobbies? Watching football? Are you serious? That is hardly a hobby, it’s something that I call ‘joblessness’. Ashrit paints, sings, dances and even contributes some of his time to the local orphanage. He once performed at a national Carnatic music event. Oh, and can also recite the Mahabharata backwards. Can you beat that? All those ‘extra-curriculars’ push him up by another 15%, which is a fair estimate don’t you think?

Are you seeing someone now? What? You just broke up with your girlfriend? What a loser! Ashrit is married, man. He is married even though he is younger than you. His kids will be ready to join the workforce by the time he’s 45. You, on the lesser hand, would need to work till you’re 55 or something. Ashrit will be holidaying in Europe (courtesy his well off children) while you toil in your office and spend the rest of your time worrying about your teenage daughter. I see another 20% accruing to his score, and 0% to yours.

You know, looking at your life, it seems to me that you’re a big loser. I don’t understand how you can even look at the mirror every morning knowing that someone out there is younger and better than you. 140% better than you! If I were you, I would just shoot myself in the face and save myself the misery of being such a big fucking loser.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 24, 2010 at 5:32 PM

Hashim Amla Still Batting at Eden Gardens

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By SD, who has been forced to give credit to Monis for the idea.

South African run-machine Hashim Amla continues to be at the crease at the Eden Gardens cricket ground, despite 6 days having passed since the final test match between India and South Africa. Amla was the top scorer in the series, amassing a total of 490 runs in a mind-numbing 1032 balls, all in just three innings.

Amla vowed to remain steadfast and bat till he gets out, even declining to be part of the ODI squad that is currently playing against India. He continues to bat 24 hours a day, stopping only for the official ‘drinks breaks’, lunch and tea. He remains oblivious to the scores of people that have repeatedly informed him that the match was over. His wife and children flew down to Kolkata yesterday, but were unable to persuade him to give up his delusional aspiration and return to the pavilion.

One of the hundreds of deliveries that Amla left alone

People close to the issue, however, don’t feel awed by Amla’s indomitable spirit. “I was back in Zimbabwe, when I got a call from Amla during his lunch break. He insisted that I ask for the floodlights to be turned on after 5 p.m. He wouldn’t stop until I assured him that I’d do my best” said Match Referee A.J. Pycroft.

Said Mr. Jagmohan Dalmiya, President of the Bengal Cricket Association “I kept getting calls from Amla and the Match Referee. I did not know Amla was still at the ground. He asked for the floodlights, and I couldn’t say no or else the public might think I’m discriminating against him because of his religion”

Amla’s antics have resulted in the cancellation of a Ranji Trophy match that was scheduled to take place today. “Who does he think he is? And what sort of a name is Amla?” said an unknown Ranji Player (as they all are), visibly frustrated at not being able to play in front of the 18 spectators (including the homeless people that live in the cricket stadium) that had turned up for the match.

Amla has prevented the groundsmen from carrying out their duties. “He did not allow me to look at the pitch. What a dick.” said the curator, who had been waiting 6 days for Amla to regain his senses. Even the homeless vagrants have been complaining. “I can’t sleep with him shouting at his non-existent runner to take non-existent runs” said the hobo in surprisingly decent english.

Experts feel that Amla could soon put himself in a dicey situation. “With his current rate of metabolism, his beard would grow to touch the floor within a few days. He could easily trip on his beard and fall, possibly on his nose. But in the event of a fall, his beard will act as a cushion for his body” opined a leading doctor that specializes in beards.

The beard theory could well turn out to be true

Other ‘experts’ feel that Amla could soon be dismissed in case the non-existent ball hits him on his beard in line with the stumps, resulting in a beard-before-wicket decision against him by the non-existent umpire. “This could well be his undoing” said Ravi Shastri, who was also in Eden Gardens for the last 6 days providing unnecessary, insignificant commentary as usual. It was surprising to see that those fillers, a.k.a. the “analyst shows” also continued broadcasting a lonely Amla interspersed with hours of boring statistical graphics, proving their desperation for ratings that don’t even matter.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 23, 2010 at 12:00 PM

Posted in Entertainment, Sports

Microsoft buys Catholic Church

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By DB:

The world was irrepressibly shocked upon hearing an announcement this morning that software giant Microsoft had pulled off the most amazing corporate coup in recorded history, by buying out the globally-revered Catholic Church. In a joint press conference held by senior media representatives of the Redmond giant and the Holy Father, it was announced that MICROSOFT Corp. will acquire the Roman Catholic Church Inc. for an unspecified amount, in exchange for unspecified stock options for the senior-most cardinals in the Holy College of Cardinals.

The news comes as nothing short of a metaphorical serious sudden cardiac stroke for the world’s 1 billion Catholics, and as a long, violent cerebral haemorrhage to the rest of the world who now not only have to put up with sub-standard products and software, but also all their new religious bullshit. A few excerpts from the conference that could have altered the very course of the future as we see it follow, as do some insignificant, anecdotal words by the Holy Pontiff himself, known in his friends’ circle as the “Puppet Pope” and the “Dangling Dinosaur”. We assure you that through this article, it is not even implied in any way that we are trying to convert you to the ideals of the Holy See, this is an independent, autarkical, fissiparous, non-symbiotic and non-parasitic news source free of the iron fist of the Church’s fearsome regime.

The press conference began in strangely uncharacteristic fashion with some disorganisation of statements, with Microsoft’s Senior 4th Vice Deputy Sidekick-in-Chief Steve Ballmer beginning by commenting – “This new alliance will bring together the world’s two most influential, widespread and recognised corporations–” before he was cut short by an animated aging priest – “The Roman Catholic Church is not a corporation! It is a beacon of light for a billion lost and confused souls–” before he was cut off by Ballmer further interjecting – “Whatever, Father, forgive me. I was handed a pre-edit version of the statement, I have the right one now, 2.0., so why don’t you piss off now back to the little boys and let the big boys talk, huh? No pun intended, Father.” Followed the Microsoft man in a seemingly shameless and blatant statement – “With the considerable coffers of the Vatican, we can now wipe out any lawsuits against us by just using the blood money accumulated over thousands of years. We found after extensive research, basically by discussing it over a beer, that keeping in mind our common practices, such as forced monopoly, forced conversion to MS-everything, killing everything that opposes us etc. etc., the Church is a perfect match for us. I would also like to quash the recent Internet joke that my master Bill Gates was to be the next Pointy-Hat Man, err, Pope, and would like to assure the religious consumers of MS and the Church that the Popeship, or the Popecy, or the Popalness, or the Papality, will continue to rest with this, err, speech-impaired man sitting behind me. Moving on, we found that the biggest benefit accrued by the Church over time will be our non-Catholic consumers the world over, who they can now convert wholesale and for a lot cheaper than it is now.”

Sensing the visible tension in St. Peter’s Square, head honcho Bill Gates stepped in with a few words aiming to calm the agitation. Said the potential Vicar of Christ – “We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years and the combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.” “Through MICROSOFT Church, the company’s new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution, even reduce your time in Purgatory – all without leaving your home.”, continued the bespectacled corporate genius. The event was then concluded with the previously-admonished aging priest, Cardinal Mario Pierluigi Collina a.k.a. “Super Mario”, introducing the man who was still Pope, which warranted understandable confusion as to why he was being introduced.

Began the fossilised Vicar of Christ – “When I was first approached with this deal, the first reaction was that this is nothing short of sacrilege, a blasphemy upon our very beliefs. I mean, the whole point of all those wars and all those executions and all those thousands of years of pillaging and all those dead Jews was to establish ourselves as untouchable. The Lord then spoke to me in one of my weekly epiphanies upon popping my magic blue pill, revealing how lucrative this would turn out and that was pretty much the end of the conversation and the blasphemy.” His Wisdomness then proceeded to pontificate a passer-by who cracked a joke about the homo-erotic nature of the legendary artwork ‘Creation of Adam’ by Michelangelo, better known to ignorant pop-culture enthusiasts such as yourself as ‘that painting in the Sistine Chapel that got fucked in 2012’.

The watershed press conference was hailed as an outrage in certain tight-arsed sections of the media, but was met with sheer shock and confusion in others. The ominous exclusion of the mention of homosexuals was avoided, a move that surprised many gay-bashers present at the event, hoping to get a hint of future gay treatment. It is now just assumed that any homo around the world using Microsoft will now unfortunately be hunted down and slaughtered.

Critics have been sceptical about the move, with the first suspicion being that Microsoft would limit the use of intellectual property rights which they now own, such as the works of Leonardo da Vinci, author of the Bible and Jesus, the protagonist of the Bible, as the deal grants MS exclusive rights. The move could spark into play others that have only been speculative so far, such as the purchase of Jewism / Jewity  by Google, the purchase of Hinduism by Satyam, the purchase of Islam by Abu Dhabi Inc., owners of Manchester City F.C. and Abu Dhabi, and the purchase of Scientology by Tom Cruise and Paul Haggis. Representatives of Google, when asked to comment, said – “These MS goons think they can outmuscle us by pulling off these corporate hand-twisting deals, while we restrain ourselves. In the end, if we buy Jewism / Jewity, once we get through the lies and hidden diamonds, we will have at our disposal the most powerful and rich people in the world.”

Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment on his alleged purchase of Scientology, as he was busy preparing his annual ritual where other Scientologists like John Travolta, Will Smith, James Cameron, and rumoured future Scientology co-owner Paul Haggis, will join him in brutally murdering kittens, pups, baby rabbits and other babies of cute animals as a sacrifice to the Scientology god, Lesus.

The reaction in India was more adverse than anticipated, with over 3,000 buses nationwide being incinerated, with a death toll in the region of 1 million – 3 million as of when we went to press. It was also reported that Indian cricketer S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth was pleased upon being mentioned by His Holiness the Pope in the Vatican’s daily newspaper The Daily Crusade. It was mentioned that “It is the worthless, disgraceful, spastic filth like this that need the guidance of the Church. The Holy Father recently watched a Holy Broadcast of a cricket match where the “sportsman” was randomly throwing himself around the field, prompting His Gracefulness to think it was the Special Olympics or something, filling the Holy Pacemaker with gentle anxiety at the state of the world. He was immensely affected by the suffering that watching Sreesanth caused, and decided to send him a special invitation for a spell at the Vatican’s Center for the Seriously Retarded.” It was reported that Sreesanth has not only accepted the invitation, but has also signed up for the self-explanatory Lifetime Course, which means he will now spend a majority of his time at the cuckoo’s nest, with breaks in between when every single bowler in the country is injured and his services would be contracted, to provide comic relief to the millions of viewers and comfort to the inevitably losing Indian team.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 22, 2010 at 5:33 PM

I am Neither Dumb nor an Idiot, says man who throws balls for a living

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By SD:

Indian spin ‘bowler’, Harbhajan Singh lashed out at his critics for questioning his ability to throw a ball, saying that a bowler who took 350 wickets over the course of his career could not possible be ‘dumb and an idiot’. Fresh from the victory over South Africa, Harbhajan took the opportunity to impose himself as a non-idiot. Mr. Singh insisted that running and throwing a cricket ball in four or five different ways required a complex interplay of the tens of neurons in his brain, something that would not have been possible if he was a dumb idiot.

Engaged in deep, intellectual pursuit.

“Do you think only dumb idiots get a Padma Shree?” shouted Bhajji, unaware that the ‘journalist’, Barkha Dutt bought one as recently as in 2008. “Idiots don’t play for their country for 13 years” he continued, again unaware that cricketers like Inzamam ul-haq and Kapil Dev played for their countries for many years, yet did not qualify as non-dumb or non-idiots. “Critics have a job to do. I respect it, however, I can make a few points for their benefit. Can a bowler, who often has been in ICC’s list of top 10 bowlers during the last two years be that bad and stupid?” cried Bhajji, again failing to provide a link between throwing a ball and being non-stupid.

“If I was stupid, do you think it would occur to me to throw in a doosra or a slider every now and then? I would just keep bowling offspin.” said the man who angered a lot of people when he actually removed his turban and let his hair flow for a liquor advertisement. “I bowl onto the stumps occasionally because on those wickets where ball does a little, you need to create angles for bowled and lbw decisions to come into the play. If the batsmen can use their feet, why you do not credit a bowler for not allowing a batsman to use his feet?” he said as he tried to show us just how intellectual and deep a game of cricket can be, when it does not put one to sleep or force one to throw expensive objects at the television in boredom.

Theory: You cannot possible be stupid if you're able to twirl your fingers and throw a ball in different ways (like a Googly)

The 29 year old self proclaimed non-stupid ‘bowler’ also said that “nothing but consistent performance” helped India get to the top of the test rankings. He discounted the role of luck to zero using his non-stupid powers. Readers will note that he used his powers of non-idiocy to call [Australian Cricketer/Aborigine/Societally oppressed/Actually has facial features that resemble a monkey’s] Andrew Symonds a monkey in the middle of a cricket ground, in full view of at least 20 cameras and 30,000 people. He then used his non-stupidity powers to claim that he said ‘maa ki’ and expected people to believe him.

“Just as the critics have a job to do, we also have a job to keep India’s tricolour flying. We know what our success means to millions of fans across the world and we are prepared to walk on the fire to bring honour and glory to the country,” he said, assuming that people outside India actually care for this ‘sport’. He also used his powers of non-idiocy to compare the lazy ‘game’ of cricket to walking on fire.

The ‘bowler’ said that critics should put the interest of Indian Cricket above everything else, including their spouses and children.

S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, fresh from an incident in which he accidentally locked himself in a public toilet for ladies, claims that Harbhajan Singh is in fact an idiot. “Waaah!” cried Sreesanth, jobless as always and still going to Shiv Khera for therapy to remove the horror and trauma inflicted upon him when Bhajji slapped the shit out of him. “He is such an idiot..he..is a bad boy..he is short tempered..hey don’t print this ok, I don’t want to be quoted”, said S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, who just added a few more S’s to his name. However, we decided to quote him anyway since no one really gives a shit about what he thinks.

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February 20, 2010 at 1:32 PM

Allegedly clever sting operation reveals existence of ‘always concede to Pakistan’ policy

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By DB:

A bizarre succession of events ensued here yesterday at Rashtrapathi Bhavan following a Cabinet meeting, which came about owing to an equally bizarre chain of events shortly before that. The bizarreness, or bizarrity, or bizarrism of the situation was further compounded when a cyclist was run over, following which literally 2,500 people proceeded to thrash 1 guy, because he was driving a Mercedes while in the mob’s words “intentionally assaulting and oppressing the oppressed Dalit man” and was in all probability lured into a trap by the cunning cyclist, in the process falling victim to a familiar scam. The mass frenzy began when long-suspected revelations emerged following impudent claims by an anonymous news agency (explanation to follow) of the existence of a section of a segment of a portion of a division of a subdivision of India’s foreign policy, code-named “Gaand ghusedne do”.

Now, we aren’t sure why on earth this would happen, as it defeats the purpose of their very existence, but the news agency that carried out the sting operation chose to remain anonymous, but passed on the information to every single competing network. For our profiling purposes and sheer comic relief, we have code-named this news network RNNN, the Retard Non-News Network. This was the first of the unfathomable events that struck the nation’s media. The revelation from the operation, uninventively titled “Rashtrapathigate”, was the existence of a doctrine named “Gaand ghusedne do” which literally translated, means “Let them penetrate our arse” or “Let them pierce our arse” or “Let our arses be penetrated / pierced”. The doctrine is basically a frequently conveniently ignored text that declares that regardless of the gravity of past or future events, India will, under any circumstances, always, concede defeat to Pakistan and cave in to the pseudo-diplomatic, highly homosexual indicative process of “bilateral talks”.

The eye-opener is particularly significant given the heightened tensions between the two primitive South Asian villages. A statement issued by Defence Minister A.K. Antony proclaimed – “First of all, let it be known that despite the fact that we are one of the most ridiculed nations on the planet, we will continue to make the decisions we feel are pertinent to given circumstances, however amusing they may be to the global media. I would next like to deny the existence of any such ‘please put your dick up my anus’ foreign policy as some of the blood-sucking bloggers out there have called it. I don’t know how credible I am in the media because I recently said we were prepared to take on Pakistan AND China simultaneously, which I now have to retract of course seeing as how we always have to concede defeat to Pakistan” in a seemingly contradictory rant. As the rest of his blathering was simply unbearable, we chose to exclude it. It appears however that the Govt. has far bigger things to worry about, such as how some local cheap-ass news agency that doesn’t know how to behave like a news agency managed to not only attend their freakin’ Cabinet meeting, but also taped the whole damn thing and exposed the most significant classified information in recent Indian history, following the recent revelation of the genius doctor who successfully managed to transform Rakhi Sawant into a woman.

The news did not sit well with citizens however and within 2 minutes of the news being leaked, about 130 buses were already on fire across New Delhi. Amongst the agitated was a group that was protesting the recent blasts in Pune, who suddenly had a reason to make absurd claims. According to one of them who for some strange reason chose the alias ‘Hardick’, the suspected perpetrator Karim Benzema who has called himself a ‘homegrown Indian mujahideen’ is actually Pakistani, but is being claimed as Indian by our Government to take pressure off Pakistan on this one. He said – “Isn’t it painfully obvious? The Government is shielding Pakistan from the spotlight because they are scared of when those nukes close to the Indian border will be detonated. This guy is so obviously a Paki, but the Government was so swift in stating the opposite. I mean, I’ve never even seen the Government act like that when offered extravagant bribes. Pakistan have placed an arsenal of nuclear warheads all along our border like an RFID-controlled dog collar and we have no choice but to respond like the benevolent pussies we are. India is to Pakistan nothing but the metaphorical demure housewife who takes the rash abuse, or else. It’s that simple. They insult us at their convenience with their belittling actions, saying “let us intrude on your anal region whenever we wish, or else.” and this has to stop.” Further conversation revealed that the man was in all likelihood deranged beyond belief, as he went on to suggest a mass suicide by sitting through one screening of ‘My Name is Khan’.

As of when we went to press, approximately 800 buses had been annihilated in New Delhi alone, and as the panic continues to spread in the country, the death toll is expected to hit about 6,000,000; about half of which are estimated to be media personnel intending to capture explicit images of events in a desperate bid to gain ratings. As usual. Our sources (or rather resources) at RNNN have promised us an exclusive first-look deal on their upcoming operations, including Government hospitals, whorehouses, crackhouses, heroin farms, abortion clinics, synagogues, and an interesting new concept yet to be named, which is basically a shopping mall exclusively for freshly harvested human organs. The most highly-anticipated however, is the sting operation that will finally reveal which IPL players’ kids are whose, as everyone shags everyone’s WAG’s and there’s no concrete way to know.

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February 20, 2010 at 12:32 AM

IPL introduces ‘Prestige Tariff’ to sleep with teammates’ WAG’s.

with 3 comments

By DB:

In move to copy yet another tendency of international sports stars and leagues, the deplorable, unpardonable debauchery that is the Indian Premier League has taken a revolutionary step. In light of recent infidelity scandals that have gripped the footballing world, IPL cricketers will now be permitted to shag their teammates’ wives and girlfriends (WAG’s) openly, legally, happily and without shame. When football stalwarts John Terry and (C)Ashley Cole were recently caught cheating on their hot wives with other teammates’ hot chicks and getting them pregnant and then aborted, before paying them significantly to keep their mouths shut, it was found that the biggest grouse their teammates had was that the world seemed to think it was wrong.

Purportedly, Terry and Cashley have been screwing teammates’ wives (with the exception of the hideous Victoria Beckham) for the last 5 years and it is now unclear which kids are whose. A bold statement issued earlier today by Lalit Modi, the IPL’s Principal Money Launderer and Chief Sh*tface of the IPL Center of Illiteracy, said – “Yes, this is a fact. Our astute research, i.e. reading British newspapers online, has led us to the conclusion that the biggest problem with sports stars sleeping with teammates’ wives was you people finding out about it. This caused much pain, as high-profile players who screwed the wives of sidekick players were embarrassed at this being revealed, and vice versa. This would not even be necessary if the media could just keep their traps shut, but I suppose that’s too much to expect. If our players and the role models and idols of a billion people could only carry out these carnal acts in peace, it would be so much better.

Cheryl Cole and Amit Mishra: What if? No, Not in a Billigazillitrillion millenia

In order to relieve our cricketers of the suffering that has plagued footballers, we have now introduced a ‘Prestige Tariff’ for players, which intricately details which calibre of players can screw which players’ wives. For instance, filth like Praveen Kumar, Amit Mishra, Pragyan Ojha etc. will not be eligible to sleep with anyone, as they are simply a disgrace to the country. Players slightly less worthless like Rohit Sharma and Robin Uthappa, depending on endorsements and shamelessness, could stand a remote chance of sleeping with the wife of, say, a mediocre like Suresh Raina but Raina can screw any of their wives, being less worthless but not necessarily worthwhile.

Ojha tries to seduce this woman by acting as though he doesn't care, but this is probably as close as he will ever get to a female human being

Similarly, players like Yuvraj and Harbhajan may sleep with just about anybody’s wife, but few would stand a chance against theirs. We have got complaints regarding the selective, elitist and discriminatory nature of the policy, which are being addressed. Our offices were flooded with angry mails about how unethical this is and how it goes against the founding principles of civilisation itself, but these guys don’t really give a shit. Right now, I request the nation to maintain composure and restrict themselves to only burning a maximum of 200 buses nationwide.”

Sreesanth to bald, black guy that no one can seem to place: Wah! He...he slapped me here..and he.. he waahh!

According to well-placed but not-too-bright sources, this news further empowers players following the recent breakdown in contract talks in Macau. As of when we went to press, Virat Kohli was still demanding gay rights for cricketers, with a demand to extend the clause to include male relatives and male pets. The only “player” available for comment was S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, as he has nothing to do in life anyway. He refused to be quoted, so to paraphrase what he said, he was basically disappointed at being left out of the entire process, and did not even know what was going on until we approached him. His only contribution to our research and follow-up was, “I can’t fucki*g believe they forgot to tell me – again”.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 17, 2010 at 6:21 PM

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