Sirka Pyaaz – The Galaxy's Leading Satire Tri-monthly

“Billions of Indians could have been killed in the Pune Attacks”

with 2 comments

By SD:

Indians have thrown aside basic concepts of statistics and probability in the wake of the terror attacks in Pune recently. The first thought that came to the minds of millions of Indians was [a statistically close-to-impossible] “Oh shit, that could have been me”. The probability that millions of them could have been at the German Bakery at the exact time of the blast is close to zero, given that the place had a seating capacity of below 100. To put things in perspective, there was a greater probability of them dying by choking on their own spit than in the blast.

There is absolutely no way that millions of people could have been here at the time of the blast.

This disconnect with reality grew as Pune residents engaged their minds in more fantasy. “Oh, this is crazy. I remember I went there with a few friends just last month. Wow, that could so easily have been us.” said Pupul Jay, 23, referring to the 45 minutes that he spent there exactly 26 days ago. He had absolutely no plans to visit the German Bakery that day or for the foreseeable future.

A few Indians completely lost touch with all sensory perception in their brains. “I was on a train that stopped in Pune once. Thank God I was not at the German Bakery that day” said Runak Bhatia, completely and epicly failing to create any link between the two events. Runak is a resident of Bhubaneswar. Another citizen was concerned that he once visited a mall that was 900 meters away from the site of the blast.

However, some citizens were justified in heaving a sigh of relief. “We frequently hang out at that place. We were at a Sufi concert in a different part of the city at the time of the blast. It’s a little ironic that we were witnessing the best of Islam when that horrible incident happened” said Asha Ram, 22, putting her in the top 4 percentile of Indians i.e. those that can actually perceive reality.

As Geoff Boycott would say "These fellas are quite Jewstified to think it could have been them"

Reactions to the horrific event poured in from all over the country. Concerned citizens spent an average of 0.04 calories and 22 seconds each when they typed messages on Twitter and Facebook. “Oh, this is so bad. Life will never be the same. India should act tough on terror.” said one status message, the author of which probably went to a movie afterwards before spending a good part of the night drinking in a pub. “Pune is a resilient city. Lets fight and show those bastards that they can’t affect our daily lives.” said another person, who in his fantasy, did not notice that 85% of the people have to fill their contractual obligations by showing up at work the following day, failing which they probably would be fired.

We managed to gather statistically significant reactions from Shah Rukh Khan, whose twitter page showed that his tweets on Pune were outnumbered by his tweets about his movie and democracy by a factor of 132. There were a total of 396 tweets about his movie, compared to the 3 tweets that condemned the blasts. According to Google Analytics’  I’m-Full-of-Shit Hall of Fame Index, his bullshitting potentiality skyrocketed by about 6,000%

We were obligated by our editor to get the reaction of Shiv Sena as well. “Arey boss. I don’t think any Marathi Manoos died. Only Germans. They deserve it for..er..being not Marathi Manoos. Many of them have their last name as Khan, like their goalkeeper [Oliver Kahn]” fumbled a Sena ‘worker’, whose information is 88% false. “But we have to stop screening of My Name is Khan at all cost. Balasaheb told us. See, today no one is coming out. I think we are successful” he continued, taking 100% credit for the lack of activity on the following day.

Reports say that the Home Ministry has enough evidence to prosecute a key suspect of the Indian Mujahideen who is 100% likely to have raped the village crocodile and a group of travelling eunuch goblins as a youngster. We still do not know what is meant by ‘enough’ or ‘prosecute’, given the track record of the Ministry. After the Mumbai Attacks of 2008, it was safely presumed that a video of Kasab firing his gun would be 100% sufficient to put him to death within a few months. However, the nation soon realised that they had overestimated the speed of the judicial system by a factor of 43. If precedent is anything to go by, the Government needs to find the suspects sperm in at least 4 parts of the German Bakery before they can given themselves a 50% chance of putting him to justice. The Government is also 100% likely to pay lip service to a 66.67% misnomer called a Fast Track Court, as the court is neither fast nor on any track.

We also talked to a passerby, who said “I took my friends there on my 24th birthday last year. Thank God I did not turn 24 this year, although my birthday is in November. Had I been born just one year late and on 13th February, I might have been sitting in that place.” When we asked him to repeat what he said, he seemed to get irritated and said “Are you trying to mock me? At least I’m better than you ‘journalists’ that try to come up with something funny about an incident as serious as this. You guys are exploiters that have no shame.”

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 15, 2010 at 8:18 PM

2 Responses

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  1. Excellent excellent post. Both the German Bakery and Leopold’s were on my list of places to go to and now thanks to some idiots who lack the ability to actually think for themselves, its never going to happen. Also, I am sorry but anybody who has the heart to bomb perfectly good bakeries absolutely deserves to be slaughtered.
    Here’s a thought, can we send reminders about this post in one year because I have feeling even after reading this post, 75% of the people won’t know if anyone has been convicted or prosecuted within one year. That’s the problem with us, we move on too quickly. Let’s stop and dwell a little more on this, beyond just the initial shock.

    MSV

    February 22, 2010 at 3:49 AM

    • thanks 🙂

      in that case, we can send out reminders only after 14-18 years, by which time the case would have reached a conclusion XD

      but yeah, ill update it as and when..

      sirkapyaaz

      February 22, 2010 at 9:02 AM


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