Sirka Pyaaz – The Galaxy's Leading Satire Tri-monthly

IPL introduces ‘Prestige Tariff’ to sleep with teammates’ WAG’s.

with 3 comments

By DB:

In move to copy yet another tendency of international sports stars and leagues, the deplorable, unpardonable debauchery that is the Indian Premier League has taken a revolutionary step. In light of recent infidelity scandals that have gripped the footballing world, IPL cricketers will now be permitted to shag their teammates’ wives and girlfriends (WAG’s) openly, legally, happily and without shame. When football stalwarts John Terry and (C)Ashley Cole were recently caught cheating on their hot wives with other teammates’ hot chicks and getting them pregnant and then aborted, before paying them significantly to keep their mouths shut, it was found that the biggest grouse their teammates had was that the world seemed to think it was wrong.

Purportedly, Terry and Cashley have been screwing teammates’ wives (with the exception of the hideous Victoria Beckham) for the last 5 years and it is now unclear which kids are whose. A bold statement issued earlier today by Lalit Modi, the IPL’s Principal Money Launderer and Chief Sh*tface of the IPL Center of Illiteracy, said – “Yes, this is a fact. Our astute research, i.e. reading British newspapers online, has led us to the conclusion that the biggest problem with sports stars sleeping with teammates’ wives was you people finding out about it. This caused much pain, as high-profile players who screwed the wives of sidekick players were embarrassed at this being revealed, and vice versa. This would not even be necessary if the media could just keep their traps shut, but I suppose that’s too much to expect. If our players and the role models and idols of a billion people could only carry out these carnal acts in peace, it would be so much better.

Cheryl Cole and Amit Mishra: What if? No, Not in a Billigazillitrillion millenia

In order to relieve our cricketers of the suffering that has plagued footballers, we have now introduced a ‘Prestige Tariff’ for players, which intricately details which calibre of players can screw which players’ wives. For instance, filth like Praveen Kumar, Amit Mishra, Pragyan Ojha etc. will not be eligible to sleep with anyone, as they are simply a disgrace to the country. Players slightly less worthless like Rohit Sharma and Robin Uthappa, depending on endorsements and shamelessness, could stand a remote chance of sleeping with the wife of, say, a mediocre like Suresh Raina but Raina can screw any of their wives, being less worthless but not necessarily worthwhile.

Ojha tries to seduce this woman by acting as though he doesn't care, but this is probably as close as he will ever get to a female human being

Similarly, players like Yuvraj and Harbhajan may sleep with just about anybody’s wife, but few would stand a chance against theirs. We have got complaints regarding the selective, elitist and discriminatory nature of the policy, which are being addressed. Our offices were flooded with angry mails about how unethical this is and how it goes against the founding principles of civilisation itself, but these guys don’t really give a shit. Right now, I request the nation to maintain composure and restrict themselves to only burning a maximum of 200 buses nationwide.”

Sreesanth to bald, black guy that no one can seem to place: Wah! He...he slapped me here..and he.. he waahh!

According to well-placed but not-too-bright sources, this news further empowers players following the recent breakdown in contract talks in Macau. As of when we went to press, Virat Kohli was still demanding gay rights for cricketers, with a demand to extend the clause to include male relatives and male pets. The only “player” available for comment was S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, as he has nothing to do in life anyway. He refused to be quoted, so to paraphrase what he said, he was basically disappointed at being left out of the entire process, and did not even know what was going on until we approached him. His only contribution to our research and follow-up was, “I can’t fucki*g believe they forgot to tell me – again”.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 17, 2010 at 6:21 PM

3 Responses

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  1. […] As of when we went to press, approximately 800 buses had been annihilated in New Delhi alone, and as the panic continues to spread in the country, the death toll is expected to hit about 6,000,000; about half of which are estimated to be media personnel intending to capture explicit images of events in a desperate bid to gain ratings. As usual. Our sources (or rather resources) at RNNN have promised us an exclusive first-look deal on their upcoming operations, including Government hospitals, whorehouses, crackhouses, heroin farms, abortion clinics, synagogues, and an interesting new concept yet to be named, which is basically a shopping mall exclusively for freshly harvested human organs. The most highly-anticipated however, is the sting operation that will finally reveal which IPL players’ kids are whose, as everyone shags everyone’s WAG’s and there’s no concrete way to know. […]

  2. Definitely an interesting way to categorize players. Also, love that the burning buses were thrown into this situation, as well.

    MSV

    February 22, 2010 at 3:37 AM

    • haha..thanks..burning buses are always thrown into indian situations..nowadays burning people are thrown in too..some stupid kid set himself on fire because he wanted telangana

      sirkapyaaz

      February 22, 2010 at 8:59 AM


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