Sirka Pyaaz – The Galaxy's Leading Satire Tri-monthly

Allegedly clever sting operation reveals existence of ‘always concede to Pakistan’ policy

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By DB:

A bizarre succession of events ensued here yesterday at Rashtrapathi Bhavan following a Cabinet meeting, which came about owing to an equally bizarre chain of events shortly before that. The bizarreness, or bizarrity, or bizarrism of the situation was further compounded when a cyclist was run over, following which literally 2,500 people proceeded to thrash 1 guy, because he was driving a Mercedes while in the mob’s words “intentionally assaulting and oppressing the oppressed Dalit man” and was in all probability lured into a trap by the cunning cyclist, in the process falling victim to a familiar scam. The mass frenzy began when long-suspected revelations emerged following impudent claims by an anonymous news agency (explanation to follow) of the existence of a section of a segment of a portion of a division of a subdivision of India’s foreign policy, code-named “Gaand ghusedne do”.

Now, we aren’t sure why on earth this would happen, as it defeats the purpose of their very existence, but the news agency that carried out the sting operation chose to remain anonymous, but passed on the information to every single competing network. For our profiling purposes and sheer comic relief, we have code-named this news network RNNN, the Retard Non-News Network. This was the first of the unfathomable events that struck the nation’s media. The revelation from the operation, uninventively titled “Rashtrapathigate”, was the existence of a doctrine named “Gaand ghusedne do” which literally translated, means “Let them penetrate our arse” or “Let them pierce our arse” or “Let our arses be penetrated / pierced”. The doctrine is basically a frequently conveniently ignored text that declares that regardless of the gravity of past or future events, India will, under any circumstances, always, concede defeat to Pakistan and cave in to the pseudo-diplomatic, highly homosexual indicative process of “bilateral talks”.

The eye-opener is particularly significant given the heightened tensions between the two primitive South Asian villages. A statement issued by Defence Minister A.K. Antony proclaimed – “First of all, let it be known that despite the fact that we are one of the most ridiculed nations on the planet, we will continue to make the decisions we feel are pertinent to given circumstances, however amusing they may be to the global media. I would next like to deny the existence of any such ‘please put your dick up my anus’ foreign policy as some of the blood-sucking bloggers out there have called it. I don’t know how credible I am in the media because I recently said we were prepared to take on Pakistan AND China simultaneously, which I now have to retract of course seeing as how we always have to concede defeat to Pakistan” in a seemingly contradictory rant. As the rest of his blathering was simply unbearable, we chose to exclude it. It appears however that the Govt. has far bigger things to worry about, such as how some local cheap-ass news agency that doesn’t know how to behave like a news agency managed to not only attend their freakin’ Cabinet meeting, but also taped the whole damn thing and exposed the most significant classified information in recent Indian history, following the recent revelation of the genius doctor who successfully managed to transform Rakhi Sawant into a woman.

The news did not sit well with citizens however and within 2 minutes of the news being leaked, about 130 buses were already on fire across New Delhi. Amongst the agitated was a group that was protesting the recent blasts in Pune, who suddenly had a reason to make absurd claims. According to one of them who for some strange reason chose the alias ‘Hardick’, the suspected perpetrator Karim Benzema who has called himself a ‘homegrown Indian mujahideen’ is actually Pakistani, but is being claimed as Indian by our Government to take pressure off Pakistan on this one. He said – “Isn’t it painfully obvious? The Government is shielding Pakistan from the spotlight because they are scared of when those nukes close to the Indian border will be detonated. This guy is so obviously a Paki, but the Government was so swift in stating the opposite. I mean, I’ve never even seen the Government act like that when offered extravagant bribes. Pakistan have placed an arsenal of nuclear warheads all along our border like an RFID-controlled dog collar and we have no choice but to respond like the benevolent pussies we are. India is to Pakistan nothing but the metaphorical demure housewife who takes the rash abuse, or else. It’s that simple. They insult us at their convenience with their belittling actions, saying “let us intrude on your anal region whenever we wish, or else.” and this has to stop.” Further conversation revealed that the man was in all likelihood deranged beyond belief, as he went on to suggest a mass suicide by sitting through one screening of ‘My Name is Khan’.

As of when we went to press, approximately 800 buses had been annihilated in New Delhi alone, and as the panic continues to spread in the country, the death toll is expected to hit about 6,000,000; about half of which are estimated to be media personnel intending to capture explicit images of events in a desperate bid to gain ratings. As usual. Our sources (or rather resources) at RNNN have promised us an exclusive first-look deal on their upcoming operations, including Government hospitals, whorehouses, crackhouses, heroin farms, abortion clinics, synagogues, and an interesting new concept yet to be named, which is basically a shopping mall exclusively for freshly harvested human organs. The most highly-anticipated however, is the sting operation that will finally reveal which IPL players’ kids are whose, as everyone shags everyone’s WAG’s and there’s no concrete way to know.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 20, 2010 at 12:32 AM

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