Sirka Pyaaz – The Galaxy's Leading Satire Tri-monthly

Local man 140% better than you

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By SD:

Ashrit Shah, 22, is 140% better than you at this moment. Why, you ask? It’s simple. For one, he takes home Rs. 60,000 a month, whereas you take home just Rs. 40,000. That makes him 50% better than you. He works in the Mergers and Acquisitions division of Goldman Sachs at Mumbai, whereas you work in a mid-market investment bank that doesn’t even have an international presence. What a loser you are! The fact that he works in Goldman alone pushes him upwards by another 10%.

When were you born? January 14th 1987? Man, you’re old. Ashrit is 11 months younger than you, yet earns more than you! The 11 months that he gained on you is worth at least another 10%. Don’t cringe, it’s alright. You could probably recover some lost ground, although I don’t know if you can catch up anytime soon. His life is already 70% more worthy than yours.

Oh and where did you do your schooling? Wow, that’s one of the top boarding schools in the country right? Ashrit is not as lucky as you are. He had to make do with a local school in his home town. And which college did you go to? Stephens? Well, that’s not much of a jump, is it? Ashrit went from his local school straight to an IIT. That huge leap would easily add another 10% to the value of his life. Maybe add another 5% since he took up engineering as his major, while you were one of those Commerce losers.

How about grades? You were a good student in school? You got above 80% every time, including in your Board exams? That’s not bad. But you did not improve by much. Ashrit, on the other hand, was a backbencher till Class 8, and his grades improved dramatically since then. This surge of quality in him is worth another 10%.

Is your dad still alive? You’ll be sorry to hear that Ashrit’s dad passed away when he was in Class 8. He was not as lucky as you to have had a complete family to support him in his journey. Yet, he is now in a better position than you. So that’s another 10%, which makes him…let’s see…105% better than you. You’re life is in serious danger of turning out to be quite futile.

What are your hobbies? Watching football? Are you serious? That is hardly a hobby, it’s something that I call ‘joblessness’. Ashrit paints, sings, dances and even contributes some of his time to the local orphanage. He once performed at a national Carnatic music event. Oh, and can also recite the Mahabharata backwards. Can you beat that? All those ‘extra-curriculars’ push him up by another 15%, which is a fair estimate don’t you think?

Are you seeing someone now? What? You just broke up with your girlfriend? What a loser! Ashrit is married, man. He is married even though he is younger than you. His kids will be ready to join the workforce by the time he’s 45. You, on the lesser hand, would need to work till you’re 55 or something. Ashrit will be holidaying in Europe (courtesy his well off children) while you toil in your office and spend the rest of your time worrying about your teenage daughter. I see another 20% accruing to his score, and 0% to yours.

You know, looking at your life, it seems to me that you’re a big loser. I don’t understand how you can even look at the mirror every morning knowing that someone out there is younger and better than you. 140% better than you! If I were you, I would just shoot myself in the face and save myself the misery of being such a big fucking loser.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 24, 2010 at 5:32 PM

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