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Archive for March 2010

Pakistan Government Blunders into Bankruptcy.

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The US and Pakistan were about to take a major step forward in overcoming years of mistrust, but American efforts were made useless after the Pakistani ‘Government’ (which is what they’re calling it these days) committed a major blunder, putting them on the brink of insolvency.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was very keen to improve ties with Pakistan and invited the Foreign Minister Mahmoud Qureshi  to Washington. The hurried manner in which the high-level bilateral talks were arranged is not surprising considering this ‘Government’ had already passed the average shelf life of a typical Pakistani Government and it was “only a matter of time before the country plunges into its comfort zone of chaos and disorder”.

Mr. Qureshi spoke at a press conference soon after he landed in Washington DC. “This is truly a momentous occasion. We had received a letter in which the US said that they wanted to improve ties with us. I didn’t even bother reading beyond the first line. I knew what needed to be done and immediately booked a delegation to the US. No longer will Pakistanis be subjected to cheap quality cotton ties. We decided to improve our ties by going for silk. We have already placed an order for 8 million five-fold Ferragamo silk ties and 10 million seven-fold Carlo Franco ties. That would definitely improve the quality of our ties. I hope the US has taken steps too.”‘ said Mr. Qureshi confidently, and with purpose.

Funnyman Qureshi, after he skilfully avoided embarrassment.

The journalists in the room were stunned at his interpretation and clarified that the US wanted to improve diplomatic relations, not neckties. Mr. Qureshi stood silently for a minute and stared blankly at the room until his assistant pulled him aside and told him something. Luckily for us, the mic was still attached to his suit and the conversation was recorded. “What the hell is this? We’ve already placed this order and spent all our foreign exchange reserves. What the hell do we do now? Like idiots, we paid 100% as advance. This is bad. We could have easily built another 200 terror camps with that money, but now our country is on the brink of bankruptcy!” hissed the Foreign Minister to his aide. “Ok, I better get back to the stage now before they think something’s wrong.”

“Eh, eh” laughed Mr. Qureshi nervously as he stumbled back onto the stage. “Pakistanis can be funny too, you know. That was just a joke. Get it? Ties? Anyway, I’ll..um see you guys back at the White House after my discussions with..umm..Ms Hillary Clinton. Yeah. So I guess that’s it.” he said in a very somber, almost inaudible tone before walking away aimlessly.

Mr. Qureshi later added that the US ‘owed’ them $2 billion in aid money, and then later clarified that it was his attempt at an oxymoron.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

March 25, 2010 at 1:32 PM

Posted in International, Politics

Undercover Report: M.F Hussain fakes to flood the ‘art market’ soon

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Somewhere in some basement:

One look at the people who turned up for this presentation, and you will know that this event is all business. Big business. We managed, without difficulty, to get ourselves into the top-secret meeting by posing as homosexual art lovers that wax eloquent about logs of feces.

“The reason I called for this meeting is to discuss M.F Hussain. The Indians have sent him away to Qatar to spend what is probably the last two years of his life. Which means we don’t have much time. I intend to create as many paintings of Hussain as possible so that we can strike it rich by selling it for millions once he pops it. Let me show you how” said a naked hooded person draped in colour.

“We spent hours and hours thinking of the best way to create a Hussain fake. It needed to be as original looking as possible. We secretly tested many people but, as good as they were, we were not satisfied with their output. So we decided to think out of the box and hit the jackpot in Joey”

“Why don’t you take a look at Joey’s art” said the guy as he unveiled a painting. We managed to sneak in a spy cam and were surprised at how uncannily similar it was to the original paintings.

The surprisingly original looking M.F Hussain fake that was unveiled at the meeting.

“For security reasons, we cannot show you the artist. I can provide you with the art work if you wish. Obviously, no can contact the artist but me. If the police gain leverage over one of you, everyone’s money is at stake” he continued, liberally borrowing words from The Dark Knight even though they did not fit in this situation.

“But I can tell you this. Joey is not just any ordinary baby seal, he is retarded. It was pretty difficult to find a baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage. But don’t think that this is just an ordinary baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage. Joey also has AIDS in his flippers. This makes them very unstable, but highly suited to this type of art. But wait. Don’t think Joey is just an ordinary baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage and AIDS in his flippers. He is also blind.” he concluded as the others stood up and clapped.

“So what I need you to do is to rate these paintings very highly and give them ‘Original’ and ‘Classic’ status. Make sure you plant enough fake art lovers to talk to people about how this work represents pain or love or some shit. Our friends in the media will take care of the rest”

“You will have your bids ready by the end of today. I will be auctioning three such paintings every week. You must understand that Joey needs to sleep for 19 hours a day, so that’s all we can do for now” he said as he walked off.

We left soon after that, having caught everything on tape. The tape is currently with the Police, and it remains to be seen whether this plan will indeed come to fruition.

Written by sirkapyaaz

March 21, 2010 at 11:20 AM

Mayawati’s Media Manager Issues Clarification.

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Mayawati’s new media manager today issued a clarification regarding the Rs. 200 crores that was spent to celebrate the 25th Anniversary of BSP.

“This is a major and unnecessary misunderstanding. We meant to say ‘crows’, not ‘crores'” said the P.R guy, referring to the black coloured passarine bird that is often used in movies as being associated with the devil. “This is pretty embarassing for you guys, huh? ‘Crow’ is completely different from ‘crore'” continued the dipshit, pointing out the difference between a black bird of the Corvidae family and a number that is equivalent to 1 followed by 7 zeros.

“So I hope that clarifies things. The country need not think of us as extravagant. That is all” concluded the little fuck. When we pointed out that the sentence – ‘BSP will be spending 200 crows to celebrate their anniversary’ doesn’t make sense, he just laughed sheepishly and ran off the stage.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

March 21, 2010 at 10:28 AM

Posted in National, Politics

Maid Implicated by Apartment Housewives

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Lakshmi, 34 or 36, was sentenced to unemployment after an 8 member bench of housewives found her guilty of misappropriating a pair of slippers. Human Rights activists protested against the hearing after Lakshmi was not allowed to plead her case in front of the 8 housewives that gathered in the courtyard of the Positive Residency Apartment this evening.

The case was heard by the distinguished housewives, who spent a record 6 hours discussing their evidence, theories and options. The plaintiff, Mrs. Gayatri implored the bench to sack the accused immediately on charges of “taking my son’s slippers and then lying about it”. Professed Mrs. Gayatri, whose husband is due for retirement from an SBI branch “I’m sure she took my son’s slippers. One day they were there and the next day they disappeared. When I asked her about it, she claimed to have no knowledge about it. I asked her to bring the slippers back.” continued the housewife, whose son is currently working in “Dull-aas”, Texas.

“Wow” went the bench that was seated in a circle near the unused badminton court. “Yeah, that maid was always shady. I remember seeing her on the 4th floor once, even though she’s not employed by anyone on the 4th floor. I think I need to check my shoe cabinet to see if anything’s missing” said another member of the bench, who retired from all active life soon after marriage.

“Yeah, and to think that she once cleaned my house when my maid didn’t show up. We need to be more careful. These maids are all thieves.” claimed another housewife whose day ends at 11 am. “I remember how she mopped the floor without really pressing the mop. I should have taken that as a sign”

The bench then discussed the above points over and over again, till they caught a passerby and spoke to him about the evils of this particular maid for 20 minutes. Exasperated, the passerby faked an emergency call and fled the place.

The members of the bench pondered over the one-way decision for another 4 hours and finally arrived at the decision to relieve Lakshmi of her duties and, as further punishment, to withhold her salary for the part of the current month.

As of press time, the slippers lay hidden behind the shoe cabinet of Mrs. Gayatri.

EDITOR’S UPDATE – Sirkapyaaz has now, through an incident of divine coincidence, entered the same distinguished league of none other than…wait for it….The Onion. They published a very similar article less than 12 hours after this gem was published. We are unbelievably and frenetically flattered that the content of their article is ridiculously similar to the above. However, given their billions of years of experience and their amazing ability to be absurdly funny, their article is obviously a billion times better. But still…

This is just to inform our scarce readers that we have professional integrity and if you think we are stealing from The Onion, we are not . Imagine the odds….this is crazier than fuck.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

March 18, 2010 at 11:40 AM

Posted in Society/Life

The life and times of Mayawati.

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He is probably one of the most notorious politicians in the country, but his story is one of the most awe inspiring journeys that one can aspire to have.  From a town in Uttar Pradesh to the corridors of Sonia Gandhi’s temporary home,  the journey of this short man is the symbol of struggle and victory against all odds.

Mayawati Kumar, 54, (who was recently voted as the most eligible bachelor in U.P) has seen it all and done it all. He became the youngest Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh in 1995 after he bought himself the trust of the Dalit community. Even more awe inspiring is the fact that he is the first Dalit to become the Chief Minister of any state in the country.

Inspired Smile: Who would have though that this short, fat, stupid man would one day be a beacon of light for Dalits?

Everyone in his hometown of Bulandshahr is proud of their “Son of the soil”. “He was a quiet little fat boy who never really interacted with anyone” said one of her school teachers. “He wasn’t the best student though. Some of the kids made fun of him, calling him a ‘Dull-it’. Of course, he never got past the third grade and had to quit school soon after. But I’m proud that a student of ours has managed to snag the top post in the state.” said the proud teacher.

While we listened to her teacher, we could not help but be amazed at how Mayawati overcame ridicule and discrimination and proved everyone wrong. “He was suffering from elephantiasis, the horrible disease. What made it worse was that he had elephantiasis in his face. This, coupled with his low caste nature made his life hell in the 7 years that he spent in third grade. I guess that explains why he chose an elephant to symbolise his party.” continued the teacher.

“He was one of the finest politician students that we had. He was very polite and courteous when he threatened to have my wife and kids chopped to little pieces if I did not give him a degree.” said a professor from his alma mater, Kalindi College Delhi, who is still undergoing trauma therapy.

Show of Power: The guy to his right was later caught with 42 notes tucked away in his pocket.

Political life is always hard. The satisficing decisions that one has to make rarely find consensus. One of the difficult decisions Mayawati had to make was a classic Schools-or-Statues problem (modeled on the Guns or Butter problem in Economics). He faced massive opposition when he chose to construct 2000 statues of himself instead of 200 schools, but he overcame that with “faith and will power”. Another difficult decision he had to make was to choose whether to use Rs.175 crores develop the area around Taj Mahal or blow it up on a Birthday bash. Needless to say, he made the right choice.

Opposition was always stiff in Uttar Pradesh and Mayawati is perpetually in a turf war with Mrs. Amar Singh and Mulayam Singh Yadav. The war came to a tame close in 2007 when Mayawati bitchslapped Mrs. Amar Singh to a life of worthlessness in his bid to become King of U.P. His electoral landslide in 2007 meant that he finally got a massive foot in in New Delhi and it’s only a matter of time before he becomes the 14th Male Prime Minister of the country.

Another tough decision was made just yesterday, when Mayawati had to choose between making a garland that had Rs. 2 crore worth of Rs. 1000 notes in it, or spend that money on better infrastructure. True to his benevolent nature, he chose the garland. He now plans to string together 56 elephants, hunted from all over the world and place them around his neck.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

March 16, 2010 at 9:33 PM

Posted in National, Politics

Idea Cellular Dumps Abhishek Bachchan in “Masterstroke”

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By SD:

Idea Cellular today pulled off what is being described by marketing gurus as a “major coup” and a “masterstroke” when they announced the revival of their “Walk and talk” campaign. This campaign was recently replaced by the “Save Paper, Use Cellphones” strategy which didn’t really pay off after global warming was proved to be a massive hoax perpetrated by erotic fiction writers.

Abhishek Tree Bachchan, who was Idea’s brand ambassador for almost 3 years was dumped in favour of 43 Members of Orgy House (commonly referred to as an MP). MPs from across party lines signed up to be brand ambassadors, most notably Mulayam Singh Yadav of the Samajwadi Party. Surprisingly, Idea was able to sign MPs of the CPI and its many variants. Readers will note that the Left is against anything that makes sense in the modern age, so signing up to represent the “evil private sector” was totally unexpected.

“This was just an extension of plain, commonsense marketing thought. The MPs are experts in the field of ‘walking out’, something that they do day-in and day-out, 24X7. They first walked out over inflation being too high, and then they walked out over inflation being too low, and everything in between. Recently, they walked out 16 times in a single day over the Women’s Bill. We swooped in today after they walked out over…….food prices or petrol prices or something like that.” said an Idea representative.

Super Long Term contract holders: (From Left to..well, Left) Prakash Karat, Gurudas Gupta and A.P Bardhan in their rendition of Reservoir Dogs

“At first, we were able to entice politicians only from opposition parties. Their scamming potential is currently quite low considering they aren’t in power so I guess that made them pretty desperate. Laloo Prasad Yadav was one of our first signings. He jumped at our offer since he did not have any Government Programme to swindle, what with him being out of power on both central and state levels. We pulled off a major bargain with the left parties when we signed them onto super-long-term contracts, knowing fully well that they will keep walking out as the opposition for at least the next 45 years” continued the beaming executive.

“This is a highly sustainable campaign. We get live feeds from the DD Lok Sabha channel so it wouldn’t cost us much to make ads. As long as there is a democracy as messed up as India’s, we will have walk outs on every single day that the Orgy house is in session. Besides, we got them, I mean all 43 MPs, at a fraction of what Abhishek cost us. They were really desperate” he concluded as he took off to Cannes to collect awards.

Abhishek Bachchan is now unemployed in real life, which is quite amusing considering the doctor that he played in the “Walk and Talk” commercial also found himself unemployed when citizens became healthy after walking while talking.

In other developments, it is rumoured that the Government plans to rent out the Lok Sabha room since “nothing much goes on inside there anyway”.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

March 12, 2010 at 8:28 PM

Posted in National, Politics

Laloo, Mulayam and Amit Kumar Unearth Massive Conspiracy in Women’s Bill

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By SD:

Heroes Laloo Prasad Yadav (of RJD) and Mulayam Singh Yadav (of the Samajwadi Party), brothers (though not really) in arms against the Women’s Bill finally revealed the real reason as to why they opposed the Bill to the extent of almost assaulting a poor helpless old man who was trying to placate the mass orgy in the Orgy House, also known as the Parliament. The country was shocked at the behaviour of the Samajwadi Party and RJD MPs that went beserk, but Laloo and Mulayam (whose name means ‘smooth’ in english) claim that they had every reason to do so, since “the Women’s Bill is nothing but a scam to enslave women”

At a press conference held this afternoon (Editors Note: Our lazy reporters get all their stories only from press conferences), Mulayam said that he was in possession of a minute book that he stole from the Prime Ministers Office while in the guise of a security guard.

“This is a major blow to women’s rights.The UPA is deliberately mocking women. I don’t know how this got past Sonia Gandhi in the first place. Here, let me read out what’s written here.”

1. The main reason we want women in the Parliament is for them to make us sandwiches. I guess a ratio of one woman for every two men is fair enough, anything more would make them lazy. They must also offer to rub the feet of the male MPs every 15 minutes.

Intimate Mr. Pranab Mukherjee to ensure steady supply of sandwich paraphernalia to ensure that women do their work efficiently.

2. They can also help with the cleaning of the sacred parliament building. This will supplement the housekeeping staff by another 185 women. Of course, their duties will not be limited to just sweeping and mopping the floors. They will also have to take care of the canteen.

3. They can serve as eye candy for the male parliamentarians. So we must ensure that only women above a certain non-eyesore threshold become MPs. Further, male MPs will be required to whistle, cat call etc as per their whims and fancies.

4. Good looking chicks can serve as a valuable tie breaker in a diplomatic standoff. Since politicans all over the world enjoy a little bit of infidelity every now and then, women can strategically flirt with them to ensure that India’s interests are not compromised.

5. Honestly, we are sick of the world seeing Pratibha Patil (who is a fine lady, but falls just 3 million miles short of the good-looks threshold. Moreover, she’s old) as the face of India. We should encourage women like Nicolette Bird to join politics.

“See. These are the evil intentions of the present UPA government. Laloo and I were right all the time about how evil and oppressive this Women’s Bill is. We hope that you open your eyes atleast now, and bring down this evil government. Evil.” said Mulayam (which, incidentally, is also the name of a village in Thrissur District, Kerala) before throwing the microphone at the journalists. He then stood up, pushed the table off the stage and set the curtains on fire.

When asked whether we could see copies of the document for ourselves, Mulayam spat paan all over us, tore our shirts and slapped us.

Within minutes, Mulayam and Laloo called for another press conference outside the burnt remains of the venue of the previous press conference.

“Actually, we think that the Women’s Bill is quite empowering. So as of now, we don’t intend to bring a no confidence motion in Orgy House” said Laloo, and walked away into the sunset with freshly minted Rs. 1000 notes falling out of his arse.

In other news, Amit Kumar, 27, also unearthed an inconsistency in his wife’s credit card bill. This inconsistency could grow into a massive conspiracy within minutes, sources suggest.

“Hey. Why is there a charge for Rs. 4000 for a honeymoon suite in a resort on February 14th? I thought she was spending the weekend with the kids while I was out of station. Oh, wait. There’s another charge of Rs. 1000 to a day care center. On 14th and 15th? Thats pretty weird” thought Amit as he looked through his wife (of 4 years) ‘s credit card bill.

As of press time, Amit’s wife was banging her co-worker.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

March 10, 2010 at 5:08 PM

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