Sirka Pyaaz – The Galaxy's Leading Satire Tri-monthly

Archive for May 2010

Shane Bond Retires From All Forms Of Injuries.

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By SD:

(Headline idea by @sidvee)

Shane Bond, the prolific New Zealand injured has announced his retirement from all forms of injuries less than a year after successfully battling a severe bout of pace bowling. The back-injury specialist made an explosive debut when he lost balance and fell down the stairs of his home in Christchurch. This initial success didn’t last long though, and he soon found himself playing against Australia in 2001. Not one to be bogged down by cricket, Bond quickly worked his way back to the top by tearing his abdomen. He was never the most consistent performer though; His troughs were deep (Bond had to undergo the ordeal of Test cricket a record 18 times), but his crests were equally high.

It shows on his face: Shane Bond suffers through a severe bout of pace bowling - Photo courtesy Cricinfo

The pivotal moment of his career came when he swung from a disastrous 6/19 attack of pace-bowling to a longevity-defining stint of broken-back, only to get sucked back into being the No.1 fast bowler. He also successfully remodelled the way he injured himself, which is rare thing for injury specialists to do. Bond ended his back-injury career last December, and has now decided to step away from abdominal injuries and knee injuries as well.

After returning home from yet another affliction of pace-bowling in the West Indies, Bond said that he was unwilling to compromise on the quality of his injuries and that his brain couldn’t take it any more. “Oh God, I absolutely hate cricket, and at this stage in my life, I don’t want to suffer through any more bouts of pace-bowling or *shudder* lower-order-batting”

“I dreamed of being injured ever since I was six. Despite all the pace bowling and test cricket I had to deal with, the reality of what has unfolded was more than I could have ever hoped for. I find it difficult to hold back. I just wanted to be injured. I am sick and tired of bowling fast and if I did that one more time, I probably would have been finished. I had a well injured career with relatively modest loss of time to cricket, so I’m happy with my decision to quit” said Bond as he left the press conference.

“For all you youngsters out there…” said Ravi Shastri, suddenly popping out of nowhere and irritating the hell out of everyone. “This is Shane Bond, and he has just retired. This is a press conference that he called to announce his retirement. These people are reporters. That is a microphone” he continued as people ignored him and sprinted out of the room.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

May 18, 2010 at 1:42 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

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