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Parle faces flak over Hide ‘n’ Seek Milano biscuits.

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By SD:

Parle, the owner of the Hide ‘n’ Seek brand of biscuits found itself in a legal soup after thousands of consumers complained about the controversial new Hide ‘n’ Seek Milano. This product is currently endorsed by Hrithik Roshan and an extremely hot Italian model. The Milano brand has been plagued mostly by criticism (and some acclaim) right from the production process to its marketing.

Consumers complained that the biscuits smelt like sex and tasted like semen. “I did not see the television ad” said Deepak Singh, who is currently freaking out and rubbing his tongue with a pumice stone. “I did not know that Hrithik Roshan and that Italian chick actually had sex while preparing these biscuits. I felt weird when it tasted salty sweet and smelt like some sort of musky industrial solvent. When I saw the ad later on, I realized that the industrial solvent is most likely Hrithik’s semen. Gross!” he continued as he tried to lick the concrete road in an attempt to get Hrithik Roshan’s semen off his tongue. “Oh man, I just gave Hrithik Roshan a blow job. Fuck! Does that make me a homosexual? Oh no! What if I get AIDS? Holy Shit, I better get to a doctor” he screamed, with his tongue spraying blood all over the road.

Foreplay

“Yeah, it tasted like semen. That was so weird. I was like, what sort of new flavor is this? This is disgusting. I can’t believe I actually put those biscuits in my mouth” said an 18 year old female. When asked how she knew what semen tastes like, she turned red in the face and fumbled for words before walking away quickly.

The Government is not happy with Parle. “This is a blatant violation of standards. This is completely unacceptable. We have asked for a committee to look into this matter. This committee will be formed after we get due approval from a three member High Court bench, which will be constituted once the application for the constitution of a committee is authorized by another committee which is yet to be constituted. But still, sick shit.” said an official spokesman.

Some consumers feel that forgetting this trauma is the best way to go. “I was really messed up for a few days. But I realized that I needed to stop vomiting on strangers every time I thought of this. So now, I just think that the woman was lying on the biscuits while Hrithik was giving it to her. So, anything I ate was from the woman. That makes me feel much better, even though she could actually have been riding him.” said Rajesh Nanem, a student of the chemical arts.

However, not everyone is disgusted with Parle’s new approach to food processing. It has support from marketers that applauded Parle for the accurate portrayal of its production process. Consumers that wanted to have sex with Hrithik, or at least give him a blow job were very satisfied after ‘swallowing’ the biscuits while in sexual fantasy. Some opportunists are even attempting to extract Hrithik’s DNA from his baked semen and use that to create test tube babies, while some idiotic women were trying to shove the biscuits up their vaginas, hoping to get impregnated by his sperm.

We contacted Hrithik Roshan for his take on the issue. He claimed that he no longer represented Hide ‘n’ Seek Milano, citing ‘sore, blue balls’ as the reason for the decision to quit. “I just cannot meet the production demands. My balls need a gap of at least 30 minutes before they can start producing sperm again. So I can go through only 40 batches a day. Max. Besides, we found it difficult to have so much sex. It’s just not possible” he said as he held a pack of ice to his crotch area. “So I guess Parle can no longer produce these biscuits again. Unless they get someone else”

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 24, 2010 at 8:21 PM

Posted in Corporate, National

Microsoft buys Catholic Church

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By DB:

The world was irrepressibly shocked upon hearing an announcement this morning that software giant Microsoft had pulled off the most amazing corporate coup in recorded history, by buying out the globally-revered Catholic Church. In a joint press conference held by senior media representatives of the Redmond giant and the Holy Father, it was announced that MICROSOFT Corp. will acquire the Roman Catholic Church Inc. for an unspecified amount, in exchange for unspecified stock options for the senior-most cardinals in the Holy College of Cardinals.

The news comes as nothing short of a metaphorical serious sudden cardiac stroke for the world’s 1 billion Catholics, and as a long, violent cerebral haemorrhage to the rest of the world who now not only have to put up with sub-standard products and software, but also all their new religious bullshit. A few excerpts from the conference that could have altered the very course of the future as we see it follow, as do some insignificant, anecdotal words by the Holy Pontiff himself, known in his friends’ circle as the “Puppet Pope” and the “Dangling Dinosaur”. We assure you that through this article, it is not even implied in any way that we are trying to convert you to the ideals of the Holy See, this is an independent, autarkical, fissiparous, non-symbiotic and non-parasitic news source free of the iron fist of the Church’s fearsome regime.

The press conference began in strangely uncharacteristic fashion with some disorganisation of statements, with Microsoft’s Senior 4th Vice Deputy Sidekick-in-Chief Steve Ballmer beginning by commenting – “This new alliance will bring together the world’s two most influential, widespread and recognised corporations–” before he was cut short by an animated aging priest – “The Roman Catholic Church is not a corporation! It is a beacon of light for a billion lost and confused souls–” before he was cut off by Ballmer further interjecting – “Whatever, Father, forgive me. I was handed a pre-edit version of the statement, I have the right one now, 2.0., so why don’t you piss off now back to the little boys and let the big boys talk, huh? No pun intended, Father.” Followed the Microsoft man in a seemingly shameless and blatant statement – “With the considerable coffers of the Vatican, we can now wipe out any lawsuits against us by just using the blood money accumulated over thousands of years. We found after extensive research, basically by discussing it over a beer, that keeping in mind our common practices, such as forced monopoly, forced conversion to MS-everything, killing everything that opposes us etc. etc., the Church is a perfect match for us. I would also like to quash the recent Internet joke that my master Bill Gates was to be the next Pointy-Hat Man, err, Pope, and would like to assure the religious consumers of MS and the Church that the Popeship, or the Popecy, or the Popalness, or the Papality, will continue to rest with this, err, speech-impaired man sitting behind me. Moving on, we found that the biggest benefit accrued by the Church over time will be our non-Catholic consumers the world over, who they can now convert wholesale and for a lot cheaper than it is now.”

Sensing the visible tension in St. Peter’s Square, head honcho Bill Gates stepped in with a few words aiming to calm the agitation. Said the potential Vicar of Christ – “We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years and the combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.” “Through MICROSOFT Church, the company’s new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution, even reduce your time in Purgatory – all without leaving your home.”, continued the bespectacled corporate genius. The event was then concluded with the previously-admonished aging priest, Cardinal Mario Pierluigi Collina a.k.a. “Super Mario”, introducing the man who was still Pope, which warranted understandable confusion as to why he was being introduced.

Began the fossilised Vicar of Christ – “When I was first approached with this deal, the first reaction was that this is nothing short of sacrilege, a blasphemy upon our very beliefs. I mean, the whole point of all those wars and all those executions and all those thousands of years of pillaging and all those dead Jews was to establish ourselves as untouchable. The Lord then spoke to me in one of my weekly epiphanies upon popping my magic blue pill, revealing how lucrative this would turn out and that was pretty much the end of the conversation and the blasphemy.” His Wisdomness then proceeded to pontificate a passer-by who cracked a joke about the homo-erotic nature of the legendary artwork ‘Creation of Adam’ by Michelangelo, better known to ignorant pop-culture enthusiasts such as yourself as ‘that painting in the Sistine Chapel that got fucked in 2012’.

The watershed press conference was hailed as an outrage in certain tight-arsed sections of the media, but was met with sheer shock and confusion in others. The ominous exclusion of the mention of homosexuals was avoided, a move that surprised many gay-bashers present at the event, hoping to get a hint of future gay treatment. It is now just assumed that any homo around the world using Microsoft will now unfortunately be hunted down and slaughtered.

Critics have been sceptical about the move, with the first suspicion being that Microsoft would limit the use of intellectual property rights which they now own, such as the works of Leonardo da Vinci, author of the Bible and Jesus, the protagonist of the Bible, as the deal grants MS exclusive rights. The move could spark into play others that have only been speculative so far, such as the purchase of Jewism / Jewity  by Google, the purchase of Hinduism by Satyam, the purchase of Islam by Abu Dhabi Inc., owners of Manchester City F.C. and Abu Dhabi, and the purchase of Scientology by Tom Cruise and Paul Haggis. Representatives of Google, when asked to comment, said – “These MS goons think they can outmuscle us by pulling off these corporate hand-twisting deals, while we restrain ourselves. In the end, if we buy Jewism / Jewity, once we get through the lies and hidden diamonds, we will have at our disposal the most powerful and rich people in the world.”

Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment on his alleged purchase of Scientology, as he was busy preparing his annual ritual where other Scientologists like John Travolta, Will Smith, James Cameron, and rumoured future Scientology co-owner Paul Haggis, will join him in brutally murdering kittens, pups, baby rabbits and other babies of cute animals as a sacrifice to the Scientology god, Lesus.

The reaction in India was more adverse than anticipated, with over 3,000 buses nationwide being incinerated, with a death toll in the region of 1 million – 3 million as of when we went to press. It was also reported that Indian cricketer S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth was pleased upon being mentioned by His Holiness the Pope in the Vatican’s daily newspaper The Daily Crusade. It was mentioned that “It is the worthless, disgraceful, spastic filth like this that need the guidance of the Church. The Holy Father recently watched a Holy Broadcast of a cricket match where the “sportsman” was randomly throwing himself around the field, prompting His Gracefulness to think it was the Special Olympics or something, filling the Holy Pacemaker with gentle anxiety at the state of the world. He was immensely affected by the suffering that watching Sreesanth caused, and decided to send him a special invitation for a spell at the Vatican’s Center for the Seriously Retarded.” It was reported that Sreesanth has not only accepted the invitation, but has also signed up for the self-explanatory Lifetime Course, which means he will now spend a majority of his time at the cuckoo’s nest, with breaks in between when every single bowler in the country is injured and his services would be contracted, to provide comic relief to the millions of viewers and comfort to the inevitably losing Indian team.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 22, 2010 at 5:33 PM

IPL introduces ‘Prestige Tariff’ to sleep with teammates’ WAG’s.

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By DB:

In move to copy yet another tendency of international sports stars and leagues, the deplorable, unpardonable debauchery that is the Indian Premier League has taken a revolutionary step. In light of recent infidelity scandals that have gripped the footballing world, IPL cricketers will now be permitted to shag their teammates’ wives and girlfriends (WAG’s) openly, legally, happily and without shame. When football stalwarts John Terry and (C)Ashley Cole were recently caught cheating on their hot wives with other teammates’ hot chicks and getting them pregnant and then aborted, before paying them significantly to keep their mouths shut, it was found that the biggest grouse their teammates had was that the world seemed to think it was wrong.

Purportedly, Terry and Cashley have been screwing teammates’ wives (with the exception of the hideous Victoria Beckham) for the last 5 years and it is now unclear which kids are whose. A bold statement issued earlier today by Lalit Modi, the IPL’s Principal Money Launderer and Chief Sh*tface of the IPL Center of Illiteracy, said – “Yes, this is a fact. Our astute research, i.e. reading British newspapers online, has led us to the conclusion that the biggest problem with sports stars sleeping with teammates’ wives was you people finding out about it. This caused much pain, as high-profile players who screwed the wives of sidekick players were embarrassed at this being revealed, and vice versa. This would not even be necessary if the media could just keep their traps shut, but I suppose that’s too much to expect. If our players and the role models and idols of a billion people could only carry out these carnal acts in peace, it would be so much better.

Cheryl Cole and Amit Mishra: What if? No, Not in a Billigazillitrillion millenia

In order to relieve our cricketers of the suffering that has plagued footballers, we have now introduced a ‘Prestige Tariff’ for players, which intricately details which calibre of players can screw which players’ wives. For instance, filth like Praveen Kumar, Amit Mishra, Pragyan Ojha etc. will not be eligible to sleep with anyone, as they are simply a disgrace to the country. Players slightly less worthless like Rohit Sharma and Robin Uthappa, depending on endorsements and shamelessness, could stand a remote chance of sleeping with the wife of, say, a mediocre like Suresh Raina but Raina can screw any of their wives, being less worthless but not necessarily worthwhile.

Ojha tries to seduce this woman by acting as though he doesn't care, but this is probably as close as he will ever get to a female human being

Similarly, players like Yuvraj and Harbhajan may sleep with just about anybody’s wife, but few would stand a chance against theirs. We have got complaints regarding the selective, elitist and discriminatory nature of the policy, which are being addressed. Our offices were flooded with angry mails about how unethical this is and how it goes against the founding principles of civilisation itself, but these guys don’t really give a shit. Right now, I request the nation to maintain composure and restrict themselves to only burning a maximum of 200 buses nationwide.”

Sreesanth to bald, black guy that no one can seem to place: Wah! He...he slapped me here..and he.. he waahh!

According to well-placed but not-too-bright sources, this news further empowers players following the recent breakdown in contract talks in Macau. As of when we went to press, Virat Kohli was still demanding gay rights for cricketers, with a demand to extend the clause to include male relatives and male pets. The only “player” available for comment was S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, as he has nothing to do in life anyway. He refused to be quoted, so to paraphrase what he said, he was basically disappointed at being left out of the entire process, and did not even know what was going on until we approached him. His only contribution to our research and follow-up was, “I can’t fucki*g believe they forgot to tell me – again”.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 17, 2010 at 6:21 PM

Ambanis, NTPC, Petroleum Ministry Still Fighting Over Same Shit.

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By SD:

Indians have once again been subjected to media reports of the ongoing fight between the Ambani brothers, NTPC and the Petroleum Ministry. The fight, which has easily been going on for at least a billion years, was over some natural gas that Mukesh Ambani owned Reliance Industries (RIL) found in the Krishna Godavari Basin or somewhere. It seems that RIL struck a shitload of Natural gas in that area way back in 2002 or 2005 or some shit. The shitload of gas was so big that all the big people went ape shit over it. It was smooth sailing for RIL, reports seemed to suggest, but just as RIL was about to start production or selling it or something, Anil Ambani went crying to some court on behalf of his company, Reliance Natural Resources Limited (RNRL).

Mukku seems bored with this shit. Not Anu, though

RNRL hired a team of fatass lawyers that came up with some complicated legal way to stop that shit. Junior Ambani claimed that he was entitled to his share of the gas, or that he wanted RNRL to be supplied first or something, or maybe it was something to do with how RIL would price the natural gas. The courts heard his labyrinthine legal arguments and decided to grant a stay, or refer it to some Empowered Group of Ministers (EGoM). RIL went crying to the courts too saying that they spent a shitload of money on the whole thing.

Suddenly, from nowhere, the Petroleum Ministry got into the act saying that the price of $ 4.33/mmBtu was too low, or too high, no one is really sure. No one even knew what the shit an mmBtu was, but that did not stop a national debate on this issue. Everyone from brokers to investors to the average news watching fool were inundated with news, views and opinions and a whole bunch of other shit that they did not understand. Every new day would bring a fresh barrage of shit over some High Court ruling or adjournment or some comment by some Minister guy. There were days when both brothers would talk shit about each other in full public view. Just as people got used to that, NTPC came out with a statement saying that it too wanted something out of this. That made the shit even more messed up. NTPC of all companies decided to throw its shit into the ring. No one really knows what the shit they wanted, but it seemed to piss both the brothers off. Or maybe it was just Mukesh.

Murli Deora has a lot of shit to deal with.

Soon, NTPC and Anil Ambani went to Kokilaben to sort their shit out. Or maybe Anil Ambani went with his brother. The nation thought that she would take the shit by the throat and arbitrate the shit out of the issue, but she failed to do shit. Then the EGoM comes out with a statement that price discovery should be made at an arms length, or maybe they wanted to control the price. Shit has been flying around ever since. So as of now, no one really knows shit.

We managed to talk to some of the parties involved in this shit. “God knows what the whole thing is about. There was some big ass formula to calculate shit. Thank God they keep coming to me with adjournments. It’s the easiest shit to do.” said a High Court judge on the obvious, shitty condition of anonymity.

“Man, I wait with bated breath for shit to hit the fan. The other day, I made a shitload of money when the High Court supported Anil. Or Mukesh, I can’t really remember shit.” said a trader, who also said that his mantra was to follow the news and immediately place orders based on whether the shit was good or bad.

Sunil Mittal: Not involved in this shit. But Bharti Airtel could soon be involved.

“I hope this shit goes on till next elections. I don’t want to have to make a decision on this shit” confessed a member of the EGoM.

As we wait for shit to settle, we can only hope that the Ambani brothers amicably settle their dispute over national property.

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(This post was sort of inspired by this Onion article)

Written by sirkapyaaz

February 12, 2010 at 8:50 PM

Nation Still Unable to Comprehend The Direct-Taxes Code

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February 10, 2010:

by SD:

The Langdons of the nation have yet to get beyond the Short Title of the new Direct Taxes Code that promised to be ‘a rollercoaster mystery, full of twists and turns’.

The book was released amidst much fanfare in July 2009, and was inspired by The Da Vinci Code and 300 bottles of whisky. In an official press release in July, the Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee claimed that “This is mystery-detective fiction at its best. I would like to congratulate our intoxicated draftsmen on writing something that I personally think is much more engrossing than Dan Brown’s Book. The Da Vinci Code was quite direct. But our draftsmen have strategically placed small clues in various parts of the book. Rest assured, readers would have a lot of fun trying to figure them out. We wanted the readers to think on their feet and just when they think they have something, Bam! we nullify a Supreme Court judgment with retrospective effect. Don’t let the small size of the book fool you. It offers the most number of twists and turns ever recorded. And the best part is that we don’t give away the ending in the book. The cipher to this Code lies deep within the intoxicated minds of our intoxicated draftsmen.”

In a press conference earlier today, Pranab Mukherjee said “The feedback we have received shows an overwhelmingly positive response. One reader wrote ‘What is wrong with you people? This book makes me feel like gouging my eyes out, smashing them to pulp with a hammer and feeding that to a cat.’ Look at that imagery. I can proudly say that this reader has become more creative after attempting to do a Langdon.”

We managed to speak with a Chartered Accountant who after spending 29 days on the second page of the book, had this to say: “This is nothing like the Da Vinci Code, it’s so confusing that I feel like everything I know is of no use. Take a look at this sentence. ‘Notwithstanding anything provided in this Act, and/or notwithstanding anything provided in any other Act in force for the time being except this one, not including anything contained in Chapter III, excluding clauses 12-32 of Section 17,  not including clause 14 in case of a Foreign Company not being a Domestic company or Rakhi Sawant, shall not exempt no income from house property that, other than by way of rent, accrues to the person, not including an HUF or an Association of Persons and if the assessee does not fail to not provide information to such authority as may be prescribed, not below an Assessing Officer or above, he may be liable to a fine of not less than or equal to Rs. 10,000 per week for each day or part of the day for which the offence does not abate.’ I don’t even know what that means. I like the confusion that arose from the old Income Tax Act. Now leave me alone, I want to dis-entangle my mind by playing a game of 3D sudoku with my eyes closed.”

As of press time, it was rumoured that the Russian Government was planning to use the basis for this code for top secret military communications.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 10, 2010 at 11:54 AM

Indian Oil Corporation Commissions Phase-I of Mega-Project.

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Written by SD:

Hyderabad: January 20, 2010,

Private Pride: Reliance Jamnagar Refining Plant. With the commissioning of a new refinery adjacent to the existing one, this petrochemical complex became (and still is) the world's largest.

The Indian Oil Corporation today unveiled two new ‘mega’ plants at Hyderabad, to better compete with the two refineries built by Reliance Industries at Jamnagar (which were build on a record scale and in record time).

The mammoth infrastructural venture was the ‘brainchild’ Mr. Sadhu Karmake, the IAS officer who went on to become a Member of Parliament multiple times on different tickets, and then became the Managing Director of the Indian Oil Company after lobbying hard for legislation to allow MPs to head public sector companies. Phase-I of the project was implemented over 54 months and was inaugurated this morning.

“We had initially planned an outlay of Rs.80,000 crores, but the global recession of 2008 made fund-raising very difficult during the middle stages, so we had to rely on the stimulus package given by the Government. But I can proudly state that we have now fully executed Phase – I. Moreover,  we have adhered to all Government standards while doing so.”, said the MD.

When confronted with rumors of cost overruns, Mr. Sadhu said, “See, there will always be gaps. I have been part of the Government long enough to know that there is always a slight gap between planning and implementation. Besides, this is just the first phase. ”

“Since the price of crude oil is well within our comfort zone, we no longer need to support ourselves with Oil Bonds. So we hope to increase the cap-ex outlay for Phase-II to Rs. 92,000 crores.”, said Mr. Sadhu, before signing off with the company slogan, “Cleanliness is the symbol of Civilisation.”

Our reporter had the exclusive opportunity to take photos of the completed project.

Click HERE to view the pictures.

Note: These photos are exclusive and have been brought to readers at a great cost.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

January 21, 2010 at 11:00 AM

Posted in Corporate

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