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Girl Breaks up With Guy, but still wants to date him and get over him at the same time but not entirely, because there still might be a chance that it may work although she’s not a 100% sure

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Rajshree Nanem, 22, has finally decided to break it off with her boyfriend of 2 years, exasperated sources said at 3 a.m. today. “This is not going to work out. I don’t see a future,” said Rajshree for the fourth time in as many days. “I’m quite sure about this,” she said as she finally worked up the strength and determination to stick to her choice.

“What do you think but? Am I doing the right thing?” asked Rajshree, quickly destroying the will power that she developed 5 minutes prior to this question. “He’s such an awesome guy, but I don’t know yeah. We’ve been fighting and he said some mean stuff, but I’m sure he didn’t mean any of that,” she reiterated for the second time that day.

On informing her that he had exams, Rajshree told our source that she would take no more than 2 more minutes of his time. “I think I made the mistake of forcing him into this whole thing. Oh man, now it seems like the last two years were a total waste,” she continued, 35 minutes later.

“But I love him,” she said as her brain went see-sawing yet again. She reacted very positively to the suggestion that she have a long discussion with her boyfriend about it, rather than with a third party, but that reaction was soon put to waste as she asked, “Do you think I’ll ever find anyone?”

Our source soon suggested that she take some time off and not talk to her boyfriend for a few weeks and then take it from there. “I think that will be the best thing,” said Rajshree in reaction to that suggestion. “But it’s going to be so difficult! What if he finds someone else in the meantime? What if he falls in love with someone else? What if he never wants to talk to me again? But I guess you’re right. I think this will be in the best interest of everyone,” she said, as she finally disconnected the call.

Our source then got a call 5 minutes later. It was Rajshree. “Thanks for the advice, [name withheld]. I got back with him! I love him to death and I think this will work!” she squealed before hanging up.

Our source got another call 18 hours later, but decided not to answer it.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

October 4, 2010 at 4:59 PM

Massive Payday Awaits Bhopal Victims

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By SD:

The Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, also called Chiddu by people who don’t really have much work to do, said today that the victims of the Bhopal Gas tragedy will receive utmost sympathy. He announced this compensation at a press conference today to “hopefully erase some of the memories of an incident that took place when <he> was in college”.

“We intend to compensate the victims of the gas tragedy by offering a record sum of 15 million AntiKiloJoules of sympathy, not to mention 5 million sombre looks of deep sadness that will be handed out to each of the victims and their next of kin” said Mr. Chidambaram as he showed us a video montage of people placing their arms on the shoulders of victims while looking straight into their eyes.

Massive Payday Awaits these victims. These lucky folks can use their sympathy in exchange for jobs, discounts and even sex.

“This model of compensation is not present even in developed countries. India is not a superficial society so money doesn’t have any value. What we need is sympathy. Money is of no use to people who have suffered so much. They need to know that we are with them and can understand what they’re going through. I think that would make them feel much better about this whole thing.”

“I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that we have already given out massive amounts of compensation in the form of media coverage and general public anger. I mean, do you know much it costs to advertise on one square inch of the front page of a national newspaper? We charged all that coverage to the compensation account. But anyway, victims can now go out and get discounts by using the sympathy that we will soon release” continued the Home Minister as the instrumental version of “Gods Will” played in the background.

“This compensation will be covered in the 11th plan, but the specifics are yet to be worked out. We are currently deliberating on a delivery model for sympathy. We could send out sympathizers to meet each victim and say something like ‘Tsk Tsk, I am so sorry for your loss’ ten times a day, or better still, we could just send the victims a YouTube video of a person with a sympathetic look on his face. I think it would be better if the video had a woman in it, but we still have to finalize those details. We will let your children know when we do” said Mr. Chidambaram as he concluded the conference and left the stage after adjusting his lungi.

“This is absolute bullshit” said Mr. Nanem, an economist at a popular think tank. “Sympathy isn’t measured in AntiKiloJoules. Everyone knows that it’s measured in Newtons. Besides, where is he going to get all that sympathy from? This will create a massive deficit and we may be forced to import sympathy by producing a sequel to Slumdog Millionaire. Worse, we may be forced to divert sympathy away from AIDS, poor people and the English football team. The Government has a lot to deal with. However, sympathy is still better than false hope and fingercrossed promises”

Written by sirkapyaaz

June 19, 2010 at 11:27 PM

IPL Shit Really Fucked Up

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By our Bullitzer prize winning journalist, who doesn’t really finish up on the articles that he starts:

The ridiculous, overhyped, nonsensical debauchery that is the IPL was embroiled in another controversy after a whole bunch of fucked up shit happened. It was  reported that the shit was really fucked up.  “Shit is still fucked up” said an insider who didn’t want to associate himself with this fucked up shit.

The controversy started after Lalit Modi, Founding Asshole of the IPL fucked things up by revealing the shady shareholding pattern of the Kochi IPL team owned by Rendezvous Sports World (RSW) on Twitter. Modi also said that those RSW fucks forced them to cancel and postpone the auction which they later went on to win. “I don’t know why I didn’t do shit then. But that’s not the point, you fucks. The point is that I brought this up now. There’s some real shady shit going on with RSW and Tharoor. I mean, he’s not supposed to have any stake in the franchise but he somehow manages to get his bitch in as a shareholder. Sharad Pawar is up my ass man. Lot of big fuckers put a lot of weight and money behind the other bids, but these assholes won. What the fuck am I supposed to tell them?” lisped  a distraught Modi in his trademark Airtel lisp. His Airtel lisp is registered under the Trademarks Act, 1999. Readers will note that Modi recently sold the rights to his lisp for a record sum but continues to use it illegally.

RSW then went on the offensive by calling Lalit Modi a “deranged fuck who’s always peddling crack, even as we speak” and then demanding that he must necessarily be fair and disclose the fucked up shit of every other team. The shit got even more fucked up after the entire country started wanking off to this controversy. Fucked up updates kept streaming in throughout the day, with each update being more fucked up than the previous one. Pretty soon, it was revealed that this shit was in the realm of fucked up-ness soon after RSW won the bid for Kochi. Apparently, Pawar and a bunch of other big assholes threatened to fuck the shit out of RSW if they did not fuck off from the IPL. But they told Pawar to fuck off,  and that was when Pawar told his bitch Modi to set things straight.  The fucked up-ness hit epic levels after Dawood Ibrahim sent Tharoor a message to “fuck off, or else <he will> fucking kill <Tharoor>.”

“Don’t talk shit about me, you fuck. Your family owns a bunch of IPL teams indirectly. What the fuck do you have to say to that?” said Tharoor, off the record from an undisclosed location at a 43 acre farm house off NH-36, 23 Km east of the 4th exit.

“Modi has a point. But Tharoor did nothing wrong as per the law. Bitches don’t come under the definition of  ‘relative’ under any law, so he’s cool I guess. And RSW did the right thing by demanding to know the shareholding of other teams, because its common knowledge that some big fuckers routed a bunch of their black money through these franchises. It’s also quite obvious that the brilliant chartered accountants of our country structured each transaction to ensure that no one knew shit about anything.” said some big ass lawyer guy.

“I mean, look at the shareholding of this <name withheld> IPL team. It’s owned by Big Sports Ltd, of which 22% is owned by Big Sports Mauritius Inc. But their Board is controlled by Big Sports Cayman Inc. I mean, how fucked up is that? Worse, Big Sports Cayman will have a controlling stake in Big Sports directly but only after a vesting period of 5 years is complete. At which point, there would be a reverse merger between Big Sports Ltd and Big Sports Cayman, which will then sell their shares to Sports Big Mauritius. The chain will finally be complete when Radical Sports Inc demerges itself with Rakhi Sawant and takes over the Preferred equity of Big Sports Inc. Almost every investment from Mauritius is from a politician, I can assure you that.” continued the lawyer dude. “But coming back to Modi’s indirect stake, it’s actually quite simple. All he needs to do to is marry his son in law and half the shares of Kings XI Punjab would come under his name. Its that simple.”

“This news is like a fucking bonanza” said Rajesh Nanem as he masturbated to the Breaking News. When we asked him what he thought of the CRPF incident, he said “CRPF? You mean the Cochin…Rangers?? I don’t know the full form..oh wait, what’s the full form of the Cochin team?”

We can only hope that this fucked up shit gets less fucked up soon, or else the IPL would go to the dogs.

In other news, some cyclone or some shit hit some place in India and a bunch of people died.

Written by sirkapyaaz

April 15, 2010 at 11:34 AM

Undercover Report: M.F Hussain fakes to flood the ‘art market’ soon

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Somewhere in some basement:

One look at the people who turned up for this presentation, and you will know that this event is all business. Big business. We managed, without difficulty, to get ourselves into the top-secret meeting by posing as homosexual art lovers that wax eloquent about logs of feces.

“The reason I called for this meeting is to discuss M.F Hussain. The Indians have sent him away to Qatar to spend what is probably the last two years of his life. Which means we don’t have much time. I intend to create as many paintings of Hussain as possible so that we can strike it rich by selling it for millions once he pops it. Let me show you how” said a naked hooded person draped in colour.

“We spent hours and hours thinking of the best way to create a Hussain fake. It needed to be as original looking as possible. We secretly tested many people but, as good as they were, we were not satisfied with their output. So we decided to think out of the box and hit the jackpot in Joey”

“Why don’t you take a look at Joey’s art” said the guy as he unveiled a painting. We managed to sneak in a spy cam and were surprised at how uncannily similar it was to the original paintings.

The surprisingly original looking M.F Hussain fake that was unveiled at the meeting.

“For security reasons, we cannot show you the artist. I can provide you with the art work if you wish. Obviously, no can contact the artist but me. If the police gain leverage over one of you, everyone’s money is at stake” he continued, liberally borrowing words from The Dark Knight even though they did not fit in this situation.

“But I can tell you this. Joey is not just any ordinary baby seal, he is retarded. It was pretty difficult to find a baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage. But don’t think that this is just an ordinary baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage. Joey also has AIDS in his flippers. This makes them very unstable, but highly suited to this type of art. But wait. Don’t think Joey is just an ordinary baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage and AIDS in his flippers. He is also blind.” he concluded as the others stood up and clapped.

“So what I need you to do is to rate these paintings very highly and give them ‘Original’ and ‘Classic’ status. Make sure you plant enough fake art lovers to talk to people about how this work represents pain or love or some shit. Our friends in the media will take care of the rest”

“You will have your bids ready by the end of today. I will be auctioning three such paintings every week. You must understand that Joey needs to sleep for 19 hours a day, so that’s all we can do for now” he said as he walked off.

We left soon after that, having caught everything on tape. The tape is currently with the Police, and it remains to be seen whether this plan will indeed come to fruition.

Written by sirkapyaaz

March 21, 2010 at 11:20 AM

Hashim Amla Still Batting at Eden Gardens

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By SD, who has been forced to give credit to Monis for the idea.

South African run-machine Hashim Amla continues to be at the crease at the Eden Gardens cricket ground, despite 6 days having passed since the final test match between India and South Africa. Amla was the top scorer in the series, amassing a total of 490 runs in a mind-numbing 1032 balls, all in just three innings.

Amla vowed to remain steadfast and bat till he gets out, even declining to be part of the ODI squad that is currently playing against India. He continues to bat 24 hours a day, stopping only for the official ‘drinks breaks’, lunch and tea. He remains oblivious to the scores of people that have repeatedly informed him that the match was over. His wife and children flew down to Kolkata yesterday, but were unable to persuade him to give up his delusional aspiration and return to the pavilion.

One of the hundreds of deliveries that Amla left alone

People close to the issue, however, don’t feel awed by Amla’s indomitable spirit. “I was back in Zimbabwe, when I got a call from Amla during his lunch break. He insisted that I ask for the floodlights to be turned on after 5 p.m. He wouldn’t stop until I assured him that I’d do my best” said Match Referee A.J. Pycroft.

Said Mr. Jagmohan Dalmiya, President of the Bengal Cricket Association “I kept getting calls from Amla and the Match Referee. I did not know Amla was still at the ground. He asked for the floodlights, and I couldn’t say no or else the public might think I’m discriminating against him because of his religion”

Amla’s antics have resulted in the cancellation of a Ranji Trophy match that was scheduled to take place today. “Who does he think he is? And what sort of a name is Amla?” said an unknown Ranji Player (as they all are), visibly frustrated at not being able to play in front of the 18 spectators (including the homeless people that live in the cricket stadium) that had turned up for the match.

Amla has prevented the groundsmen from carrying out their duties. “He did not allow me to look at the pitch. What a dick.” said the curator, who had been waiting 6 days for Amla to regain his senses. Even the homeless vagrants have been complaining. “I can’t sleep with him shouting at his non-existent runner to take non-existent runs” said the hobo in surprisingly decent english.

Experts feel that Amla could soon put himself in a dicey situation. “With his current rate of metabolism, his beard would grow to touch the floor within a few days. He could easily trip on his beard and fall, possibly on his nose. But in the event of a fall, his beard will act as a cushion for his body” opined a leading doctor that specializes in beards.

The beard theory could well turn out to be true

Other ‘experts’ feel that Amla could soon be dismissed in case the non-existent ball hits him on his beard in line with the stumps, resulting in a beard-before-wicket decision against him by the non-existent umpire. “This could well be his undoing” said Ravi Shastri, who was also in Eden Gardens for the last 6 days providing unnecessary, insignificant commentary as usual. It was surprising to see that those fillers, a.k.a. the “analyst shows” also continued broadcasting a lonely Amla interspersed with hours of boring statistical graphics, proving their desperation for ratings that don’t even matter.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 23, 2010 at 12:00 PM

Posted in Entertainment, Sports

I am Neither Dumb nor an Idiot, says man who throws balls for a living

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By SD:

Indian spin ‘bowler’, Harbhajan Singh lashed out at his critics for questioning his ability to throw a ball, saying that a bowler who took 350 wickets over the course of his career could not possible be ‘dumb and an idiot’. Fresh from the victory over South Africa, Harbhajan took the opportunity to impose himself as a non-idiot. Mr. Singh insisted that running and throwing a cricket ball in four or five different ways required a complex interplay of the tens of neurons in his brain, something that would not have been possible if he was a dumb idiot.

Engaged in deep, intellectual pursuit.

“Do you think only dumb idiots get a Padma Shree?” shouted Bhajji, unaware that the ‘journalist’, Barkha Dutt bought one as recently as in 2008. “Idiots don’t play for their country for 13 years” he continued, again unaware that cricketers like Inzamam ul-haq and Kapil Dev played for their countries for many years, yet did not qualify as non-dumb or non-idiots. “Critics have a job to do. I respect it, however, I can make a few points for their benefit. Can a bowler, who often has been in ICC’s list of top 10 bowlers during the last two years be that bad and stupid?” cried Bhajji, again failing to provide a link between throwing a ball and being non-stupid.

“If I was stupid, do you think it would occur to me to throw in a doosra or a slider every now and then? I would just keep bowling offspin.” said the man who angered a lot of people when he actually removed his turban and let his hair flow for a liquor advertisement. “I bowl onto the stumps occasionally because on those wickets where ball does a little, you need to create angles for bowled and lbw decisions to come into the play. If the batsmen can use their feet, why you do not credit a bowler for not allowing a batsman to use his feet?” he said as he tried to show us just how intellectual and deep a game of cricket can be, when it does not put one to sleep or force one to throw expensive objects at the television in boredom.

Theory: You cannot possible be stupid if you're able to twirl your fingers and throw a ball in different ways (like a Googly)

The 29 year old self proclaimed non-stupid ‘bowler’ also said that “nothing but consistent performance” helped India get to the top of the test rankings. He discounted the role of luck to zero using his non-stupid powers. Readers will note that he used his powers of non-idiocy to call [Australian Cricketer/Aborigine/Societally oppressed/Actually has facial features that resemble a monkey’s] Andrew Symonds a monkey in the middle of a cricket ground, in full view of at least 20 cameras and 30,000 people. He then used his non-stupidity powers to claim that he said ‘maa ki’ and expected people to believe him.

“Just as the critics have a job to do, we also have a job to keep India’s tricolour flying. We know what our success means to millions of fans across the world and we are prepared to walk on the fire to bring honour and glory to the country,” he said, assuming that people outside India actually care for this ‘sport’. He also used his powers of non-idiocy to compare the lazy ‘game’ of cricket to walking on fire.

The ‘bowler’ said that critics should put the interest of Indian Cricket above everything else, including their spouses and children.

S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, fresh from an incident in which he accidentally locked himself in a public toilet for ladies, claims that Harbhajan Singh is in fact an idiot. “Waaah!” cried Sreesanth, jobless as always and still going to Shiv Khera for therapy to remove the horror and trauma inflicted upon him when Bhajji slapped the shit out of him. “He is such an idiot..he..is a bad boy..he is short tempered..hey don’t print this ok, I don’t want to be quoted”, said S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, who just added a few more S’s to his name. However, we decided to quote him anyway since no one really gives a shit about what he thinks.

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February 20, 2010 at 1:32 PM

Allegedly clever sting operation reveals existence of ‘always concede to Pakistan’ policy

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By DB:

A bizarre succession of events ensued here yesterday at Rashtrapathi Bhavan following a Cabinet meeting, which came about owing to an equally bizarre chain of events shortly before that. The bizarreness, or bizarrity, or bizarrism of the situation was further compounded when a cyclist was run over, following which literally 2,500 people proceeded to thrash 1 guy, because he was driving a Mercedes while in the mob’s words “intentionally assaulting and oppressing the oppressed Dalit man” and was in all probability lured into a trap by the cunning cyclist, in the process falling victim to a familiar scam. The mass frenzy began when long-suspected revelations emerged following impudent claims by an anonymous news agency (explanation to follow) of the existence of a section of a segment of a portion of a division of a subdivision of India’s foreign policy, code-named “Gaand ghusedne do”.

Now, we aren’t sure why on earth this would happen, as it defeats the purpose of their very existence, but the news agency that carried out the sting operation chose to remain anonymous, but passed on the information to every single competing network. For our profiling purposes and sheer comic relief, we have code-named this news network RNNN, the Retard Non-News Network. This was the first of the unfathomable events that struck the nation’s media. The revelation from the operation, uninventively titled “Rashtrapathigate”, was the existence of a doctrine named “Gaand ghusedne do” which literally translated, means “Let them penetrate our arse” or “Let them pierce our arse” or “Let our arses be penetrated / pierced”. The doctrine is basically a frequently conveniently ignored text that declares that regardless of the gravity of past or future events, India will, under any circumstances, always, concede defeat to Pakistan and cave in to the pseudo-diplomatic, highly homosexual indicative process of “bilateral talks”.

The eye-opener is particularly significant given the heightened tensions between the two primitive South Asian villages. A statement issued by Defence Minister A.K. Antony proclaimed – “First of all, let it be known that despite the fact that we are one of the most ridiculed nations on the planet, we will continue to make the decisions we feel are pertinent to given circumstances, however amusing they may be to the global media. I would next like to deny the existence of any such ‘please put your dick up my anus’ foreign policy as some of the blood-sucking bloggers out there have called it. I don’t know how credible I am in the media because I recently said we were prepared to take on Pakistan AND China simultaneously, which I now have to retract of course seeing as how we always have to concede defeat to Pakistan” in a seemingly contradictory rant. As the rest of his blathering was simply unbearable, we chose to exclude it. It appears however that the Govt. has far bigger things to worry about, such as how some local cheap-ass news agency that doesn’t know how to behave like a news agency managed to not only attend their freakin’ Cabinet meeting, but also taped the whole damn thing and exposed the most significant classified information in recent Indian history, following the recent revelation of the genius doctor who successfully managed to transform Rakhi Sawant into a woman.

The news did not sit well with citizens however and within 2 minutes of the news being leaked, about 130 buses were already on fire across New Delhi. Amongst the agitated was a group that was protesting the recent blasts in Pune, who suddenly had a reason to make absurd claims. According to one of them who for some strange reason chose the alias ‘Hardick’, the suspected perpetrator Karim Benzema who has called himself a ‘homegrown Indian mujahideen’ is actually Pakistani, but is being claimed as Indian by our Government to take pressure off Pakistan on this one. He said – “Isn’t it painfully obvious? The Government is shielding Pakistan from the spotlight because they are scared of when those nukes close to the Indian border will be detonated. This guy is so obviously a Paki, but the Government was so swift in stating the opposite. I mean, I’ve never even seen the Government act like that when offered extravagant bribes. Pakistan have placed an arsenal of nuclear warheads all along our border like an RFID-controlled dog collar and we have no choice but to respond like the benevolent pussies we are. India is to Pakistan nothing but the metaphorical demure housewife who takes the rash abuse, or else. It’s that simple. They insult us at their convenience with their belittling actions, saying “let us intrude on your anal region whenever we wish, or else.” and this has to stop.” Further conversation revealed that the man was in all likelihood deranged beyond belief, as he went on to suggest a mass suicide by sitting through one screening of ‘My Name is Khan’.

As of when we went to press, approximately 800 buses had been annihilated in New Delhi alone, and as the panic continues to spread in the country, the death toll is expected to hit about 6,000,000; about half of which are estimated to be media personnel intending to capture explicit images of events in a desperate bid to gain ratings. As usual. Our sources (or rather resources) at RNNN have promised us an exclusive first-look deal on their upcoming operations, including Government hospitals, whorehouses, crackhouses, heroin farms, abortion clinics, synagogues, and an interesting new concept yet to be named, which is basically a shopping mall exclusively for freshly harvested human organs. The most highly-anticipated however, is the sting operation that will finally reveal which IPL players’ kids are whose, as everyone shags everyone’s WAG’s and there’s no concrete way to know.

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February 20, 2010 at 12:32 AM

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