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India Pulls Out of Commonwealth Games

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The Commonwealth Games took yet another massive hit today after India announced that it would no longer be fielding a contingent for the event. The host country’s officials said that they were “not satisfied with the accommodation, not to mention the security arrangements” and were “worried for the safety, security and health of [their] athletes”

“We are disappointed with the overall quality of everything,” said Suresh Kalmadi, Chairman of the Organizing Committee in charge of the Indian contingent. “Seriously, I can’t believe how untidy the rooms were at the Games Village. Some of the beds even had dog footprints on them,” added the politician. “Not just that. The security arrangements are shocking. There’s dengue all around and structures keep collapsing. We are also worried about possible terror attacks. This is why we have decided to pull out of the games and go to Switzerland to reassess the situation in a relaxed environment. The athletes will be sent back home so they can spend time with their loved ones.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty disappointing,” said an Indian athlete whose name we didn’t know. “I guess I’ll have to go back home now,” he continued, referring to the malaria infested maoist village he had to go back to.

The Commonwealth games have been plagued by desertions over the last few weeks. A long list of athletes who no one had ever heard of but who were apparently medal contenders pulled out, days before the event is scheduled to commence. But the news of the host country’s withdrawal came as a great shock because this would mean the loss of a contingent of 800 athletes and 15000 officials.

What makes it even more disappointing is that the Indian contingent, which was originally aiming “for third place in the medals table,” was tipped to sweep the medals tally after most of the other countries pulled out.

Not all is lost however. Some teams that were originally dissatisfied with the living arrangements found the new Games Village situated inside Maurya Sheraton acceptable.

(Photo Courtesy Google Images)

Written by sirkapyaaz

September 24, 2010 at 10:11 AM

Pakistan Government Blunders into Bankruptcy.

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The US and Pakistan were about to take a major step forward in overcoming years of mistrust, but American efforts were made useless after the Pakistani ‘Government’ (which is what they’re calling it these days) committed a major blunder, putting them on the brink of insolvency.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was very keen to improve ties with Pakistan and invited the Foreign Minister Mahmoud Qureshi  to Washington. The hurried manner in which the high-level bilateral talks were arranged is not surprising considering this ‘Government’ had already passed the average shelf life of a typical Pakistani Government and it was “only a matter of time before the country plunges into its comfort zone of chaos and disorder”.

Mr. Qureshi spoke at a press conference soon after he landed in Washington DC. “This is truly a momentous occasion. We had received a letter in which the US said that they wanted to improve ties with us. I didn’t even bother reading beyond the first line. I knew what needed to be done and immediately booked a delegation to the US. No longer will Pakistanis be subjected to cheap quality cotton ties. We decided to improve our ties by going for silk. We have already placed an order for 8 million five-fold Ferragamo silk ties and 10 million seven-fold Carlo Franco ties. That would definitely improve the quality of our ties. I hope the US has taken steps too.”‘ said Mr. Qureshi confidently, and with purpose.

Funnyman Qureshi, after he skilfully avoided embarrassment.

The journalists in the room were stunned at his interpretation and clarified that the US wanted to improve diplomatic relations, not neckties. Mr. Qureshi stood silently for a minute and stared blankly at the room until his assistant pulled him aside and told him something. Luckily for us, the mic was still attached to his suit and the conversation was recorded. “What the hell is this? We’ve already placed this order and spent all our foreign exchange reserves. What the hell do we do now? Like idiots, we paid 100% as advance. This is bad. We could have easily built another 200 terror camps with that money, but now our country is on the brink of bankruptcy!” hissed the Foreign Minister to his aide. “Ok, I better get back to the stage now before they think something’s wrong.”

“Eh, eh” laughed Mr. Qureshi nervously as he stumbled back onto the stage. “Pakistanis can be funny too, you know. That was just a joke. Get it? Ties? Anyway, I’ll..um see you guys back at the White House after my discussions with..umm..Ms Hillary Clinton. Yeah. So I guess that’s it.” he said in a very somber, almost inaudible tone before walking away aimlessly.

Mr. Qureshi later added that the US ‘owed’ them $2 billion in aid money, and then later clarified that it was his attempt at an oxymoron.

Written by sirkapyaaz

March 25, 2010 at 1:32 PM

Posted in International, Politics

Microsoft buys Catholic Church

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By DB:

The world was irrepressibly shocked upon hearing an announcement this morning that software giant Microsoft had pulled off the most amazing corporate coup in recorded history, by buying out the globally-revered Catholic Church. In a joint press conference held by senior media representatives of the Redmond giant and the Holy Father, it was announced that MICROSOFT Corp. will acquire the Roman Catholic Church Inc. for an unspecified amount, in exchange for unspecified stock options for the senior-most cardinals in the Holy College of Cardinals.

The news comes as nothing short of a metaphorical serious sudden cardiac stroke for the world’s 1 billion Catholics, and as a long, violent cerebral haemorrhage to the rest of the world who now not only have to put up with sub-standard products and software, but also all their new religious bullshit. A few excerpts from the conference that could have altered the very course of the future as we see it follow, as do some insignificant, anecdotal words by the Holy Pontiff himself, known in his friends’ circle as the “Puppet Pope” and the “Dangling Dinosaur”. We assure you that through this article, it is not even implied in any way that we are trying to convert you to the ideals of the Holy See, this is an independent, autarkical, fissiparous, non-symbiotic and non-parasitic news source free of the iron fist of the Church’s fearsome regime.

The press conference began in strangely uncharacteristic fashion with some disorganisation of statements, with Microsoft’s Senior 4th Vice Deputy Sidekick-in-Chief Steve Ballmer beginning by commenting – “This new alliance will bring together the world’s two most influential, widespread and recognised corporations–” before he was cut short by an animated aging priest – “The Roman Catholic Church is not a corporation! It is a beacon of light for a billion lost and confused souls–” before he was cut off by Ballmer further interjecting – “Whatever, Father, forgive me. I was handed a pre-edit version of the statement, I have the right one now, 2.0., so why don’t you piss off now back to the little boys and let the big boys talk, huh? No pun intended, Father.” Followed the Microsoft man in a seemingly shameless and blatant statement – “With the considerable coffers of the Vatican, we can now wipe out any lawsuits against us by just using the blood money accumulated over thousands of years. We found after extensive research, basically by discussing it over a beer, that keeping in mind our common practices, such as forced monopoly, forced conversion to MS-everything, killing everything that opposes us etc. etc., the Church is a perfect match for us. I would also like to quash the recent Internet joke that my master Bill Gates was to be the next Pointy-Hat Man, err, Pope, and would like to assure the religious consumers of MS and the Church that the Popeship, or the Popecy, or the Popalness, or the Papality, will continue to rest with this, err, speech-impaired man sitting behind me. Moving on, we found that the biggest benefit accrued by the Church over time will be our non-Catholic consumers the world over, who they can now convert wholesale and for a lot cheaper than it is now.”

Sensing the visible tension in St. Peter’s Square, head honcho Bill Gates stepped in with a few words aiming to calm the agitation. Said the potential Vicar of Christ – “We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years and the combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.” “Through MICROSOFT Church, the company’s new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution, even reduce your time in Purgatory – all without leaving your home.”, continued the bespectacled corporate genius. The event was then concluded with the previously-admonished aging priest, Cardinal Mario Pierluigi Collina a.k.a. “Super Mario”, introducing the man who was still Pope, which warranted understandable confusion as to why he was being introduced.

Began the fossilised Vicar of Christ – “When I was first approached with this deal, the first reaction was that this is nothing short of sacrilege, a blasphemy upon our very beliefs. I mean, the whole point of all those wars and all those executions and all those thousands of years of pillaging and all those dead Jews was to establish ourselves as untouchable. The Lord then spoke to me in one of my weekly epiphanies upon popping my magic blue pill, revealing how lucrative this would turn out and that was pretty much the end of the conversation and the blasphemy.” His Wisdomness then proceeded to pontificate a passer-by who cracked a joke about the homo-erotic nature of the legendary artwork ‘Creation of Adam’ by Michelangelo, better known to ignorant pop-culture enthusiasts such as yourself as ‘that painting in the Sistine Chapel that got fucked in 2012’.

The watershed press conference was hailed as an outrage in certain tight-arsed sections of the media, but was met with sheer shock and confusion in others. The ominous exclusion of the mention of homosexuals was avoided, a move that surprised many gay-bashers present at the event, hoping to get a hint of future gay treatment. It is now just assumed that any homo around the world using Microsoft will now unfortunately be hunted down and slaughtered.

Critics have been sceptical about the move, with the first suspicion being that Microsoft would limit the use of intellectual property rights which they now own, such as the works of Leonardo da Vinci, author of the Bible and Jesus, the protagonist of the Bible, as the deal grants MS exclusive rights. The move could spark into play others that have only been speculative so far, such as the purchase of Jewism / Jewity  by Google, the purchase of Hinduism by Satyam, the purchase of Islam by Abu Dhabi Inc., owners of Manchester City F.C. and Abu Dhabi, and the purchase of Scientology by Tom Cruise and Paul Haggis. Representatives of Google, when asked to comment, said – “These MS goons think they can outmuscle us by pulling off these corporate hand-twisting deals, while we restrain ourselves. In the end, if we buy Jewism / Jewity, once we get through the lies and hidden diamonds, we will have at our disposal the most powerful and rich people in the world.”

Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment on his alleged purchase of Scientology, as he was busy preparing his annual ritual where other Scientologists like John Travolta, Will Smith, James Cameron, and rumoured future Scientology co-owner Paul Haggis, will join him in brutally murdering kittens, pups, baby rabbits and other babies of cute animals as a sacrifice to the Scientology god, Lesus.

The reaction in India was more adverse than anticipated, with over 3,000 buses nationwide being incinerated, with a death toll in the region of 1 million – 3 million as of when we went to press. It was also reported that Indian cricketer S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth was pleased upon being mentioned by His Holiness the Pope in the Vatican’s daily newspaper The Daily Crusade. It was mentioned that “It is the worthless, disgraceful, spastic filth like this that need the guidance of the Church. The Holy Father recently watched a Holy Broadcast of a cricket match where the “sportsman” was randomly throwing himself around the field, prompting His Gracefulness to think it was the Special Olympics or something, filling the Holy Pacemaker with gentle anxiety at the state of the world. He was immensely affected by the suffering that watching Sreesanth caused, and decided to send him a special invitation for a spell at the Vatican’s Center for the Seriously Retarded.” It was reported that Sreesanth has not only accepted the invitation, but has also signed up for the self-explanatory Lifetime Course, which means he will now spend a majority of his time at the cuckoo’s nest, with breaks in between when every single bowler in the country is injured and his services would be contracted, to provide comic relief to the millions of viewers and comfort to the inevitably losing Indian team.

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February 22, 2010 at 5:33 PM

Avatar Most Successful Flick Ever, Sequel to Tackle “societally oppressed”

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By DB, THE DB:

(All Photos taken from Google Images)

The juggernaut of overrated cartoon movie Avatar has steamrolled director James Cameron’s previous sub-standard effort, Titanic, to become the most commercially successful movie in history. A press conference was held yesterday to honour the cartoon, and had dignitaries such as the Finance and Environment Ministers of Na’vi (names unknown) and Cameron himself. The director said – “Look at you idiots. I sensationally claim this shit took half a billion dollars to make and inflated ticket prices to set my own records and all of you flocked to the screens, like a herd of weak, brainless, unoriginal, mass-migrating wildebeest scared of being captured by the cunning lion in waiting. Ok, I have no idea why I made that analogy, but I probably made a few million dollars just for saying it, and those words will now be trademarked by someone somewhere and adapted into a feature film. The point is, you’re all idiots. Now, I’m going to make Hollywood bend over and let me penetrate their arse again by introducing my very own film genre, accurately titled ‘Hype’.”

James Cameron’s avatar, which also makes a cameo appearance

So it has been established that in addition to the well-loved Action, Crime, Comedy, Drama, Sci-fi, War and Romance genres will now stand the genre ‘Hype’. The genre has been created by Cameron to finally classify the string of nonsensical films that tend to invade our sensibilities every summer.  It appears Cameron now intends to tackle established hack directors like Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich at their own game. “Those guys think they can blow up as much shit as they want and earn shitloads for it? I’ll show them”, ranted the not-so-sober taskmaster. “I mean, my effects are so amazing they make Spielberg look like some 2-D amateur.” – added the non-egoistic cartoonist.

As of when we went to press, it was reported that Cameron’s next project was about the oppression of gay Na’vi and how the utopian world of Pandora imports all of humanity’s misery, such as religion, politics, racism, western imperialism, plagiarism, 3-D, and the recession. When asked about the ominous exclusion of war from the list, he esoterically replied, “How gay is that. Don’t you know my ex-wife is the one that makes boring-ass Iraq movies and gets Oscar nominations?”, completely disregarding the fact that the basic premise of the first cartoon itself was war. He wants to set the film in a contemporary Pandora, and plans to use indigenously-developed Na’vi as the cast.

The reported budget of the film is in the region of 100-700 billion USD or 20 tonnes of Unobtainium, and by the time of its release in 2022, will be in the never-before fathomable 6-D, which has been invented, named, patented and sold by James Cameron himself. No known living person has yet managed a glimpse into the technology besides Sam Worthington, Cameron’s newfound protégé and “platonic friend”.

President Obama will (mis)lead the Na’vi to their own demise, and Osama will plan the flying of the USS Enterprise into the gayly named ‘Hometree'

The rumoured leads Angelina Jolie and Robert Pattinson (personally designed by ace cartoonist Cameron)

The sequel cartoon will also have item number cameos from the likes of Pamela “DD” Anderson to attract Indian crowds.

A sample image of some of the gay Na’vi

Written by sirkapyaaz

February 16, 2010 at 2:36 PM

God Disqualified from Stand Up Comedy Competition.

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A Shocking Exclusive Breaking News Special Report:
By SD:

In a shocking event that is bound to go down in history as one of the most blatant cases of cheating, God attempted to sway the audience and judges by manipulating ‘free will’ at the Annual Stand Up Competition here today. I was present at the event and was completely numb by the end of it. This is the first time in recent history that God came down to earth in the form of a human being. He claimed that He “wanted to show his children that [He] [was] not an uptight Father and that [He] [was] pretty funny”. God was given a wild card entry into the competition, despite citizens crying foul over the alleged bribing of officials by His agent, Mr. Ratzinger.

Serious God, as portrayed in Popular Art.

I walked into the Comic Arena, the hallowed portal of stand up comedy, where I saw the great Chris Rock perform last year. The buzz surrounding this years event was unbelievably huge. I took my seat well before Gods segment at 4.p.m in order to experience this historic event to the fullest. The atmosphere was electric, which as it turns out was manipulated by God Himself.

“Next up: God, the Creator of the Universe, the omnipotent protector of the Cosmos” screamed the announcer into the microphone. God ran out onto the stage and slid onto his knees as the crowd cheered. “Hey there Earth! I love Earth!” shouted the all-powerful Being as the crowd went even wilder, with most of them now standing on their seats. “God Damn it! Hey, don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!”, laughed God as members of the audience took their seats. Readers will note that God is not famous for his self-deprecating sense of humour.

The image of God on the tickets to the show.

“Man, I have so many names, it gets pretty confusing at times. Just yesterday, I was talking to a bunch of Hindus and I hear someone shouting ‘Yahweh! Yahweh!’. It took me a minute to realise that one of my beloved Jews was calling me about some money related issue. I thought to myself ‘Having so many names might turn out to be a disadvantage in the event of an emergency’ “. There were a few laughs amongst the audience as He said that.

“You know, I don’t like to brag about my omnipotence. Women may not like it” He continued as the audience remained silent. “I love playing pranks. The other day I was a little bored, so I thought I’d shake a tectonic plate a little to see what happened. I just touched it and there was a ‘7.0 earthquake’ as you people call it in some place. I laughed over that for a good one minute. But wait, don’t judge me. Don’t think I’m one of those people who splurge on expensive pranks. I love simple pranks too. Why, one of my best pranks was when I made this guy go to Iraq only to have his legs taken away in a roadside bomb blast. It gets better. He comes back home to find that he has no benefits and that his daughter, 3, has cancer. In the brain! Oh, but my favourite part was when his daughter, after going through multiple surgeries, gets hit by an ambulance travelling at 80 miles an hour. The irony was that the ambulance belonged to a Cancer hospital! Oh man, that had me in splits for a really long time”. “Boo” shouted some of the audience members and God seemed to get a little rattled.

“Ok, tough crowd. You know, some guy called Pascal ‘invented’ something called the ‘Pascals Wager’. What a load of crap that is! I was going through a bunch of administrative paperwork only to see that millions upon millions of people gained entry into heaven by invoking this clause. I thought to myself ‘Damn, I’ve been had’. But I can’t really do much. I would send another Messiah down to earth, but I need to make my words fool-proof. And for that, I need a good lawyer. But there are no lawyers in heaven! That asshole Satan has every single one of them on his payroll. You know because lawyers..they’re..” said a visibly expectant God. There was not a sound from the audience, other than that of someone typing a message on his mobile phone.

The highlight of this prank was keeping one guy stuck under the rubble for a full 4 weeks

“I’m sure you guys will find this funny” said an annoyed God, very carefully as he flailed his arm about slowly. “Yes, we will” chanted all of us in chorus. At this point, I found myself starting to laugh at Gods earlier jokes. I thought that this was the best stand-up I had ever seen. I even caught a glimpse of Heaven. Continued God “Hey, guy in the front row. My omnipresence tells me that you want to scratch your balls. Go ahead do it! That’s funny, right?” He said as all of us broke into frenzied laughter for a good 28 minutes.

“That’s enough, God”, shouted someone from the back. All of us immediately stopped laughing and looked to see who that was. From the darkness emerged Mr. Rajnikanth, one of the judges. “That’s enough. You are disqualified for trying to manipulate the audience” continued the famous actor as we quickly regained our senses. “I had a talk with Chuck and we agreed that despite your all powerful nature, we cannot let you walk away with this” he said as he threw a piece of chewing gum in the air and caught it with his teeth after doing 4 somersaults and killing three ninjas in the process. God jumped off the stage and tried to punch Rajnikanth, but in vain. The judges then had Him escorted to His room backstage.

Rajnikanth, whose powers of light refraction helped him evade Gods Punch

I managed to talk to God after sneaking into the backstage area. “Humans don’t know what humour means. I guess that nuclear war prank I had planned out won’t go down too well with you. Anyway, don’t go back home now, I don’t think your wife is done with your gardener just yet. And don’t come crying to me if your boss fires you next month. Its all part of a big plan. You’ll see.” said a forlorn God as He packed up His clothes. His body then dissolved into fairies and spaghetti as He went back into His transcendental form.

God is now expected to turn back time and create a parallel universe in which He did not take part in this competition.

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February 12, 2010 at 11:06 AM

Prospective Recruit Irritates Professor of Terrorism

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Prospective Recruit Irritates Professor of Terrorism.

Written by the man named Anon:

Pakistan: January 25, 2010,

In an event that threatened to derail the plans of recruiters, Abdul Razak,
21, got on the nerves of Prof. Bovine Feci, ex-christian, now Deputy
Recruiter for Lashkar-e-Toiba, at a recruitment drive organised by them.

“Asalam Alaikum”, announced Prof. Feci at the shady event.”Welcome to
the information session for the Hyderabad Terror Attacks, Class of 2011.
As you are probably aware, the Prophet asked us to kill those Kafirs by
committing Jihad. So that’s your duty. You will spend the rest of eternity
in heaven after you carry out your sacred duty. Now, I know it’s difficult to
kill yourself and others in the process, but think of the rewards. Heaven is
a beautiful place, with gold palaces, fountains scented with camphor,
beautiful horses and camels, and most importantly, the Hadith states that
God has promised 72 virgins, with full breas…”

“Each?”, interrupted someone from the back.

“I’m sorry, what?”, asked the Professor.

“As in, do we get 72 virgins each? I was looking through the brochure you
gave us, and was just wondering.”, asked Abdul, now standing up.

“Uh, yes, why?”, replied Prof. Feci.

“You know, because it would be disappointing if it was 72 virgins for the
whole of heaven. More so, because 1300 years have passed since the Islam
was started. I mean, a lot of men would have gone to heaven since then.”,
explained Abdul.

“Oh, yes, yes, each. I am sure of that”, said the Professor. “Now, where was
I? Yes, the Hadith says that you will…..”

“Do we get to have sex with them?”, interrupted Abdul, once again.

“Uh?”, asked the Professor.

“Because in the brochure, it only says that you would get 72 virgins. It
doesn’t specifically mention anything about sex. I don’t want to blow myself
up only to end up getting 72 virgins I cannot do anything with. I would then
have to ‘blow myself’ in Heaven”, said Razak and then looked around to see
if anyone was smiling. No one was.

“Yes, you get to have sex with them”, said the Professor.

“I mean, if I went to heaven and met 72 beautiful virgins that refuse to
have sex with me, I don’t know what I would do to those horses and camels,
especially since I have to abstain from sex on earth. I don’t want to end up
frustrated and steal bricks from the gold palaces to try and entice the
women to have sex with me.”, said Abdul.

“I told you! You can do them till there is no tread left in the tyres. Ok?”,
said Prof. Feci impatiently. “So I was saying that the Hadi….”

“Ugh. But I have to spend an eternity in Heaven. I don’t want to end up
throwing hot dogs down hallways.”, interrupted Abdul, yet again.

The Professor seemed a little ruffled. “Yes, but see. The women become
virgins once again each time you have sex with them. So that solves the
problem right?”, he said, unconvincingly.

“I guess that’s fair. But that would be a little boring too. I mean, that
would just lead to a whole lot of unsatisfying sex with inexperienced women.”
replied Abdul.

“No, No! They keep the experience. They become virgins again physically.”,
said the Professor, now completely losing patience.

“But what about the current status of heaven? The description of heaven in
the brochure was given 1300 years ago. How can you be sure that humans
didn’t just mess everything up there? 1300 years is a lot of time, and there
have been no updations. How do you know that I’ll go to heaven and not hell?
I don’t want to get assraped by Shaitan for eternity.”, said Abdul.

Prof. Feci had a look of victory in his face and said, “Ah! I have the
perfect answer to your question. Here are some photos sent by Mohammed
Atta from heaven. See, there you see him wearing silk robes and enjoying
himself. And in this other photo, you see him having a 73-some with the virgins.
Notice that others in the background are also having 73-somes. And in this
other photo, you can see him and his buddy giving it to a camel. You see, in
heaven, there is no judgment, so you can do as you please. I can send a copy
of these photos to you if you want.” said the Professor, while handing out a few
photos. “So, as I was saying, the Had…”

“But how did they..?”, interrupted Abdul yet again.

“That’s it, you son of a bitch! Get out of this room. And never come back. I
will make sure that you don’t get admitted to heaven. You will go to hell
and get raped like those bloody pagan Hindus!”, shouted Prof. Feci at the
top of his voice, and then had three gun bearing children escort Abdul out
of the room.

As of press time, Prof. Feci successfully recruited 8 people into the newly
set up “Bomb that bitch, Abdul Razak’s house Class of Next Week”

Final Project submitted by Prof. Bovine Feci's class of 2001

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Written by sirkapyaaz

January 25, 2010 at 11:52 AM

BREAKING NEWS: NOBEL PRIZE!!

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The last brownie on the plate was awarded the ‘Noble piece’ prize this evening for ‘Being noble enough to allow the other brownies to tickle the taste buds of the eater’. This award was newly instituted by the nobel committee in line with its larger goal of diluting the award.

Breaking news! Nobel peace prize to Obama revoked, to be awarded to Nobel committee member for mediating domestic quarrel over who should be the next Top Chef

Breaking news! Nobel committee members to judge new reality show, ‘Who wants to roll down a hill into a pond after eating the most number of hot dogs’.

Written by sirkapyaaz

October 12, 2009 at 4:14 PM

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