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India Pulls Out of Commonwealth Games

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The Commonwealth Games took yet another massive hit today after India announced that it would no longer be fielding a contingent for the event. The host country’s officials said that they were “not satisfied with the accommodation, not to mention the security arrangements” and were “worried for the safety, security and health of [their] athletes”

“We are disappointed with the overall quality of everything,” said Suresh Kalmadi, Chairman of the Organizing Committee in charge of the Indian contingent. “Seriously, I can’t believe how untidy the rooms were at the Games Village. Some of the beds even had dog footprints on them,” added the politician. “Not just that. The security arrangements are shocking. There’s dengue all around and structures keep collapsing. We are also worried about possible terror attacks. This is why we have decided to pull out of the games and go to Switzerland to reassess the situation in a relaxed environment. The athletes will be sent back home so they can spend time with their loved ones.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty disappointing,” said an Indian athlete whose name we didn’t know. “I guess I’ll have to go back home now,” he continued, referring to the malaria infested maoist village he had to go back to.

The Commonwealth games have been plagued by desertions over the last few weeks. A long list of athletes who no one had ever heard of but who were apparently medal contenders pulled out, days before the event is scheduled to commence. But the news of the host country’s withdrawal came as a great shock because this would mean the loss of a contingent of 800 athletes and 15000 officials.

What makes it even more disappointing is that the Indian contingent, which was originally aiming “for third place in the medals table,” was tipped to sweep the medals tally after most of the other countries pulled out.

Not all is lost however. Some teams that were originally dissatisfied with the living arrangements found the new Games Village situated inside Maurya Sheraton acceptable.

(Photo Courtesy Google Images)

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Written by sirkapyaaz

September 24, 2010 at 10:11 AM

Opinion: If we want good governance, we need to incentivize the people in charge

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I don’t understand why people are making a big deal of the pay hike given to Members of the Parliament. I was shocked to find out that they earned a pittance of Rs. 16000 a month. Imagine that? They earn less than I do. And I just graduated from college.

These guys work so hard, and I can’t imagine how they run their homes with such little money. I find it difficult even to support myself with what I earn. Just the other day, I saw my local MP inaugurating a power plant and within 48 hours, I see him speaking vociferously on the floor of the Parliament. 24 hours later, I see his motorcade pass through Hyderabad. I wonder how he has enough energy to travel so much by train.

I completely support Laloo Prasad Yadav in his fight to increase the salary of MPs. He’s probably almost 60 years old, and I’m sure he needs to start planning for his retirement. He also has a family to support. I wonder how he manages to employ so many gunmen to stand around him. Surely he cannot pay them a competitive wage, which obviously means that these gunmen are loyal party workers who don’t mind taking a massive pay hit to protect their leader. I also heard that he has cows in his house. Poor guy doesn’t even have proper walls to protect his home.

Some MPs are so poor, it’s not even funny. Apparently, some of them have less than Rs. 10 lakhs worth of assets (Source: Self-Declaration of assets at the time of elections). They are noble enough to work selflessly in the knowledge that their life savings will most likely be wiped out due to inflationary pressures. That’s what I call commitment. People in the private sector keep jumping jobs to suit their needs. But these guys have decided to stick it out. Politicians are a committed bunch. Most of them (like those in the Left parties) remain politicians even though they know they can never come into a position of power.

These people are our leaders for God’s sake. We cannot treat them like servants. Can you imagine a CEO getting paid less than the guy who sweeps floors? Yeah, Steve Jobs takes home just $1 per year, but he gets perks, not to mention millions in dividends. What about our leaders? They can’t even save enough to get quality medical services. How can we expect our leaders to think optimally when they get paid so little? How can we expect our leaders to be motivated when all their friends earn multiples of what they do?

Our MPs work tirelessly, yet we can’t even pay them a measly Rs. 15 lacs per year? There is a management theory that says we need to give people incentives in order for them to reach their potential. Why don’t we give such incentives to our MPs? I’m confident that such incentives will raise the overall quality of governance and bring our population out of poverty and into prosperity by way of inclusive growth.

Oh what’s this? Oh my God. I can’t believe that a Nigerian businessman wants to transfer his entire savings to my account. How lucky am I? Let me just send him my bank account details and password. I’m rich now, so I don’t really need to take your shit and write articles for small amounts of money. I quit!

Written by sirkapyaaz

August 21, 2010 at 5:10 PM

Posted in National, Politics

Massive Payday Awaits Bhopal Victims

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By SD:

The Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, also called Chiddu by people who don’t really have much work to do, said today that the victims of the Bhopal Gas tragedy will receive utmost sympathy. He announced this compensation at a press conference today to “hopefully erase some of the memories of an incident that took place when <he> was in college”.

“We intend to compensate the victims of the gas tragedy by offering a record sum of 15 million AntiKiloJoules of sympathy, not to mention 5 million sombre looks of deep sadness that will be handed out to each of the victims and their next of kin” said Mr. Chidambaram as he showed us a video montage of people placing their arms on the shoulders of victims while looking straight into their eyes.

Massive Payday Awaits these victims. These lucky folks can use their sympathy in exchange for jobs, discounts and even sex.

“This model of compensation is not present even in developed countries. India is not a superficial society so money doesn’t have any value. What we need is sympathy. Money is of no use to people who have suffered so much. They need to know that we are with them and can understand what they’re going through. I think that would make them feel much better about this whole thing.”

“I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that we have already given out massive amounts of compensation in the form of media coverage and general public anger. I mean, do you know much it costs to advertise on one square inch of the front page of a national newspaper? We charged all that coverage to the compensation account. But anyway, victims can now go out and get discounts by using the sympathy that we will soon release” continued the Home Minister as the instrumental version of “Gods Will” played in the background.

“This compensation will be covered in the 11th plan, but the specifics are yet to be worked out. We are currently deliberating on a delivery model for sympathy. We could send out sympathizers to meet each victim and say something like ‘Tsk Tsk, I am so sorry for your loss’ ten times a day, or better still, we could just send the victims a YouTube video of a person with a sympathetic look on his face. I think it would be better if the video had a woman in it, but we still have to finalize those details. We will let your children know when we do” said Mr. Chidambaram as he concluded the conference and left the stage after adjusting his lungi.

“This is absolute bullshit” said Mr. Nanem, an economist at a popular think tank. “Sympathy isn’t measured in AntiKiloJoules. Everyone knows that it’s measured in Newtons. Besides, where is he going to get all that sympathy from? This will create a massive deficit and we may be forced to import sympathy by producing a sequel to Slumdog Millionaire. Worse, we may be forced to divert sympathy away from AIDS, poor people and the English football team. The Government has a lot to deal with. However, sympathy is still better than false hope and fingercrossed promises”

Written by sirkapyaaz

June 19, 2010 at 11:27 PM

IPL Shit Really Fucked Up

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By our Bullitzer prize winning journalist, who doesn’t really finish up on the articles that he starts:

The ridiculous, overhyped, nonsensical debauchery that is the IPL was embroiled in another controversy after a whole bunch of fucked up shit happened. It was  reported that the shit was really fucked up.  “Shit is still fucked up” said an insider who didn’t want to associate himself with this fucked up shit.

The controversy started after Lalit Modi, Founding Asshole of the IPL fucked things up by revealing the shady shareholding pattern of the Kochi IPL team owned by Rendezvous Sports World (RSW) on Twitter. Modi also said that those RSW fucks forced them to cancel and postpone the auction which they later went on to win. “I don’t know why I didn’t do shit then. But that’s not the point, you fucks. The point is that I brought this up now. There’s some real shady shit going on with RSW and Tharoor. I mean, he’s not supposed to have any stake in the franchise but he somehow manages to get his bitch in as a shareholder. Sharad Pawar is up my ass man. Lot of big fuckers put a lot of weight and money behind the other bids, but these assholes won. What the fuck am I supposed to tell them?” lisped  a distraught Modi in his trademark Airtel lisp. His Airtel lisp is registered under the Trademarks Act, 1999. Readers will note that Modi recently sold the rights to his lisp for a record sum but continues to use it illegally.

RSW then went on the offensive by calling Lalit Modi a “deranged fuck who’s always peddling crack, even as we speak” and then demanding that he must necessarily be fair and disclose the fucked up shit of every other team. The shit got even more fucked up after the entire country started wanking off to this controversy. Fucked up updates kept streaming in throughout the day, with each update being more fucked up than the previous one. Pretty soon, it was revealed that this shit was in the realm of fucked up-ness soon after RSW won the bid for Kochi. Apparently, Pawar and a bunch of other big assholes threatened to fuck the shit out of RSW if they did not fuck off from the IPL. But they told Pawar to fuck off,  and that was when Pawar told his bitch Modi to set things straight.  The fucked up-ness hit epic levels after Dawood Ibrahim sent Tharoor a message to “fuck off, or else <he will> fucking kill <Tharoor>.”

“Don’t talk shit about me, you fuck. Your family owns a bunch of IPL teams indirectly. What the fuck do you have to say to that?” said Tharoor, off the record from an undisclosed location at a 43 acre farm house off NH-36, 23 Km east of the 4th exit.

“Modi has a point. But Tharoor did nothing wrong as per the law. Bitches don’t come under the definition of  ‘relative’ under any law, so he’s cool I guess. And RSW did the right thing by demanding to know the shareholding of other teams, because its common knowledge that some big fuckers routed a bunch of their black money through these franchises. It’s also quite obvious that the brilliant chartered accountants of our country structured each transaction to ensure that no one knew shit about anything.” said some big ass lawyer guy.

“I mean, look at the shareholding of this <name withheld> IPL team. It’s owned by Big Sports Ltd, of which 22% is owned by Big Sports Mauritius Inc. But their Board is controlled by Big Sports Cayman Inc. I mean, how fucked up is that? Worse, Big Sports Cayman will have a controlling stake in Big Sports directly but only after a vesting period of 5 years is complete. At which point, there would be a reverse merger between Big Sports Ltd and Big Sports Cayman, which will then sell their shares to Sports Big Mauritius. The chain will finally be complete when Radical Sports Inc demerges itself with Rakhi Sawant and takes over the Preferred equity of Big Sports Inc. Almost every investment from Mauritius is from a politician, I can assure you that.” continued the lawyer dude. “But coming back to Modi’s indirect stake, it’s actually quite simple. All he needs to do to is marry his son in law and half the shares of Kings XI Punjab would come under his name. Its that simple.”

“This news is like a fucking bonanza” said Rajesh Nanem as he masturbated to the Breaking News. When we asked him what he thought of the CRPF incident, he said “CRPF? You mean the Cochin…Rangers?? I don’t know the full form..oh wait, what’s the full form of the Cochin team?”

We can only hope that this fucked up shit gets less fucked up soon, or else the IPL would go to the dogs.

In other news, some cyclone or some shit hit some place in India and a bunch of people died.

Written by sirkapyaaz

April 15, 2010 at 11:34 AM

Undercover Report: M.F Hussain fakes to flood the ‘art market’ soon

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Somewhere in some basement:

One look at the people who turned up for this presentation, and you will know that this event is all business. Big business. We managed, without difficulty, to get ourselves into the top-secret meeting by posing as homosexual art lovers that wax eloquent about logs of feces.

“The reason I called for this meeting is to discuss M.F Hussain. The Indians have sent him away to Qatar to spend what is probably the last two years of his life. Which means we don’t have much time. I intend to create as many paintings of Hussain as possible so that we can strike it rich by selling it for millions once he pops it. Let me show you how” said a naked hooded person draped in colour.

“We spent hours and hours thinking of the best way to create a Hussain fake. It needed to be as original looking as possible. We secretly tested many people but, as good as they were, we were not satisfied with their output. So we decided to think out of the box and hit the jackpot in Joey”

“Why don’t you take a look at Joey’s art” said the guy as he unveiled a painting. We managed to sneak in a spy cam and were surprised at how uncannily similar it was to the original paintings.

The surprisingly original looking M.F Hussain fake that was unveiled at the meeting.

“For security reasons, we cannot show you the artist. I can provide you with the art work if you wish. Obviously, no can contact the artist but me. If the police gain leverage over one of you, everyone’s money is at stake” he continued, liberally borrowing words from The Dark Knight even though they did not fit in this situation.

“But I can tell you this. Joey is not just any ordinary baby seal, he is retarded. It was pretty difficult to find a baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage. But don’t think that this is just an ordinary baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage. Joey also has AIDS in his flippers. This makes them very unstable, but highly suited to this type of art. But wait. Don’t think Joey is just an ordinary baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage and AIDS in his flippers. He is also blind.” he concluded as the others stood up and clapped.

“So what I need you to do is to rate these paintings very highly and give them ‘Original’ and ‘Classic’ status. Make sure you plant enough fake art lovers to talk to people about how this work represents pain or love or some shit. Our friends in the media will take care of the rest”

“You will have your bids ready by the end of today. I will be auctioning three such paintings every week. You must understand that Joey needs to sleep for 19 hours a day, so that’s all we can do for now” he said as he walked off.

We left soon after that, having caught everything on tape. The tape is currently with the Police, and it remains to be seen whether this plan will indeed come to fruition.

Written by sirkapyaaz

March 21, 2010 at 11:20 AM

Mayawati’s Media Manager Issues Clarification.

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Mayawati’s new media manager today issued a clarification regarding the Rs. 200 crores that was spent to celebrate the 25th Anniversary of BSP.

“This is a major and unnecessary misunderstanding. We meant to say ‘crows’, not ‘crores'” said the P.R guy, referring to the black coloured passarine bird that is often used in movies as being associated with the devil. “This is pretty embarassing for you guys, huh? ‘Crow’ is completely different from ‘crore'” continued the dipshit, pointing out the difference between a black bird of the Corvidae family and a number that is equivalent to 1 followed by 7 zeros.

“So I hope that clarifies things. The country need not think of us as extravagant. That is all” concluded the little fuck. When we pointed out that the sentence – ‘BSP will be spending 200 crows to celebrate their anniversary’ doesn’t make sense, he just laughed sheepishly and ran off the stage.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

March 21, 2010 at 10:28 AM

Posted in National, Politics

The life and times of Mayawati.

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He is probably one of the most notorious politicians in the country, but his story is one of the most awe inspiring journeys that one can aspire to have.  From a town in Uttar Pradesh to the corridors of Sonia Gandhi’s temporary home,  the journey of this short man is the symbol of struggle and victory against all odds.

Mayawati Kumar, 54, (who was recently voted as the most eligible bachelor in U.P) has seen it all and done it all. He became the youngest Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh in 1995 after he bought himself the trust of the Dalit community. Even more awe inspiring is the fact that he is the first Dalit to become the Chief Minister of any state in the country.

Inspired Smile: Who would have though that this short, fat, stupid man would one day be a beacon of light for Dalits?

Everyone in his hometown of Bulandshahr is proud of their “Son of the soil”. “He was a quiet little fat boy who never really interacted with anyone” said one of her school teachers. “He wasn’t the best student though. Some of the kids made fun of him, calling him a ‘Dull-it’. Of course, he never got past the third grade and had to quit school soon after. But I’m proud that a student of ours has managed to snag the top post in the state.” said the proud teacher.

While we listened to her teacher, we could not help but be amazed at how Mayawati overcame ridicule and discrimination and proved everyone wrong. “He was suffering from elephantiasis, the horrible disease. What made it worse was that he had elephantiasis in his face. This, coupled with his low caste nature made his life hell in the 7 years that he spent in third grade. I guess that explains why he chose an elephant to symbolise his party.” continued the teacher.

“He was one of the finest politician students that we had. He was very polite and courteous when he threatened to have my wife and kids chopped to little pieces if I did not give him a degree.” said a professor from his alma mater, Kalindi College Delhi, who is still undergoing trauma therapy.

Show of Power: The guy to his right was later caught with 42 notes tucked away in his pocket.

Political life is always hard. The satisficing decisions that one has to make rarely find consensus. One of the difficult decisions Mayawati had to make was a classic Schools-or-Statues problem (modeled on the Guns or Butter problem in Economics). He faced massive opposition when he chose to construct 2000 statues of himself instead of 200 schools, but he overcame that with “faith and will power”. Another difficult decision he had to make was to choose whether to use Rs.175 crores develop the area around Taj Mahal or blow it up on a Birthday bash. Needless to say, he made the right choice.

Opposition was always stiff in Uttar Pradesh and Mayawati is perpetually in a turf war with Mrs. Amar Singh and Mulayam Singh Yadav. The war came to a tame close in 2007 when Mayawati bitchslapped Mrs. Amar Singh to a life of worthlessness in his bid to become King of U.P. His electoral landslide in 2007 meant that he finally got a massive foot in in New Delhi and it’s only a matter of time before he becomes the 14th Male Prime Minister of the country.

Another tough decision was made just yesterday, when Mayawati had to choose between making a garland that had Rs. 2 crore worth of Rs. 1000 notes in it, or spend that money on better infrastructure. True to his benevolent nature, he chose the garland. He now plans to string together 56 elephants, hunted from all over the world and place them around his neck.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

March 16, 2010 at 9:33 PM

Posted in National, Politics

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