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Girl Breaks up With Guy, but still wants to date him and get over him at the same time but not entirely, because there still might be a chance that it may work although she’s not a 100% sure

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Rajshree Nanem, 22, has finally decided to break it off with her boyfriend of 2 years, exasperated sources said at 3 a.m. today. “This is not going to work out. I don’t see a future,” said Rajshree for the fourth time in as many days. “I’m quite sure about this,” she said as she finally worked up the strength and determination to stick to her choice.

“What do you think but? Am I doing the right thing?” asked Rajshree, quickly destroying the will power that she developed 5 minutes prior to this question. “He’s such an awesome guy, but I don’t know yeah. We’ve been fighting and he said some mean stuff, but I’m sure he didn’t mean any of that,” she reiterated for the second time that day.

On informing her that he had exams, Rajshree told our source that she would take no more than 2 more minutes of his time. “I think I made the mistake of forcing him into this whole thing. Oh man, now it seems like the last two years were a total waste,” she continued, 35 minutes later.

“But I love him,” she said as her brain went see-sawing yet again. She reacted very positively to the suggestion that she have a long discussion with her boyfriend about it, rather than with a third party, but that reaction was soon put to waste as she asked, “Do you think I’ll ever find anyone?”

Our source soon suggested that she take some time off and not talk to her boyfriend for a few weeks and then take it from there. “I think that will be the best thing,” said Rajshree in reaction to that suggestion. “But it’s going to be so difficult! What if he finds someone else in the meantime? What if he falls in love with someone else? What if he never wants to talk to me again? But I guess you’re right. I think this will be in the best interest of everyone,” she said, as she finally disconnected the call.

Our source then got a call 5 minutes later. It was Rajshree. “Thanks for the advice, [name withheld]. I got back with him! I love him to death and I think this will work!” she squealed before hanging up.

Our source got another call 18 hours later, but decided not to answer it.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

October 4, 2010 at 4:59 PM

Massive Payday Awaits Bhopal Victims

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By SD:

The Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, also called Chiddu by people who don’t really have much work to do, said today that the victims of the Bhopal Gas tragedy will receive utmost sympathy. He announced this compensation at a press conference today to “hopefully erase some of the memories of an incident that took place when <he> was in college”.

“We intend to compensate the victims of the gas tragedy by offering a record sum of 15 million AntiKiloJoules of sympathy, not to mention 5 million sombre looks of deep sadness that will be handed out to each of the victims and their next of kin” said Mr. Chidambaram as he showed us a video montage of people placing their arms on the shoulders of victims while looking straight into their eyes.

Massive Payday Awaits these victims. These lucky folks can use their sympathy in exchange for jobs, discounts and even sex.

“This model of compensation is not present even in developed countries. India is not a superficial society so money doesn’t have any value. What we need is sympathy. Money is of no use to people who have suffered so much. They need to know that we are with them and can understand what they’re going through. I think that would make them feel much better about this whole thing.”

“I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that we have already given out massive amounts of compensation in the form of media coverage and general public anger. I mean, do you know much it costs to advertise on one square inch of the front page of a national newspaper? We charged all that coverage to the compensation account. But anyway, victims can now go out and get discounts by using the sympathy that we will soon release” continued the Home Minister as the instrumental version of “Gods Will” played in the background.

“This compensation will be covered in the 11th plan, but the specifics are yet to be worked out. We are currently deliberating on a delivery model for sympathy. We could send out sympathizers to meet each victim and say something like ‘Tsk Tsk, I am so sorry for your loss’ ten times a day, or better still, we could just send the victims a YouTube video of a person with a sympathetic look on his face. I think it would be better if the video had a woman in it, but we still have to finalize those details. We will let your children know when we do” said Mr. Chidambaram as he concluded the conference and left the stage after adjusting his lungi.

“This is absolute bullshit” said Mr. Nanem, an economist at a popular think tank. “Sympathy isn’t measured in AntiKiloJoules. Everyone knows that it’s measured in Newtons. Besides, where is he going to get all that sympathy from? This will create a massive deficit and we may be forced to import sympathy by producing a sequel to Slumdog Millionaire. Worse, we may be forced to divert sympathy away from AIDS, poor people and the English football team. The Government has a lot to deal with. However, sympathy is still better than false hope and fingercrossed promises”

Written by sirkapyaaz

June 19, 2010 at 11:27 PM

God Takes Many Forms

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Devotees and non-believers alike were put through a lot of inconvenience today at the Punjagutta branch of HDFC Bank after a visit from God. Employees and customers were visibly angry after the omnipotent creator of the Cosmos entered the office and made away with every single form that was available. “How are we supposed to work? He took all the pay-in forms, all the DD forms, all the account opening forms and loan application forms. For His sake, He even took away all the customer feedback forms.” said one of the frustrated employees as he frantically tried to placate angry customers.

Written by sirkapyaaz

April 10, 2010 at 8:00 PM

Posted in Society/Life

Undercover Report: M.F Hussain fakes to flood the ‘art market’ soon

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Somewhere in some basement:

One look at the people who turned up for this presentation, and you will know that this event is all business. Big business. We managed, without difficulty, to get ourselves into the top-secret meeting by posing as homosexual art lovers that wax eloquent about logs of feces.

“The reason I called for this meeting is to discuss M.F Hussain. The Indians have sent him away to Qatar to spend what is probably the last two years of his life. Which means we don’t have much time. I intend to create as many paintings of Hussain as possible so that we can strike it rich by selling it for millions once he pops it. Let me show you how” said a naked hooded person draped in colour.

“We spent hours and hours thinking of the best way to create a Hussain fake. It needed to be as original looking as possible. We secretly tested many people but, as good as they were, we were not satisfied with their output. So we decided to think out of the box and hit the jackpot in Joey”

“Why don’t you take a look at Joey’s art” said the guy as he unveiled a painting. We managed to sneak in a spy cam and were surprised at how uncannily similar it was to the original paintings.

The surprisingly original looking M.F Hussain fake that was unveiled at the meeting.

“For security reasons, we cannot show you the artist. I can provide you with the art work if you wish. Obviously, no can contact the artist but me. If the police gain leverage over one of you, everyone’s money is at stake” he continued, liberally borrowing words from The Dark Knight even though they did not fit in this situation.

“But I can tell you this. Joey is not just any ordinary baby seal, he is retarded. It was pretty difficult to find a baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage. But don’t think that this is just an ordinary baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage. Joey also has AIDS in his flippers. This makes them very unstable, but highly suited to this type of art. But wait. Don’t think Joey is just an ordinary baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage and AIDS in his flippers. He is also blind.” he concluded as the others stood up and clapped.

“So what I need you to do is to rate these paintings very highly and give them ‘Original’ and ‘Classic’ status. Make sure you plant enough fake art lovers to talk to people about how this work represents pain or love or some shit. Our friends in the media will take care of the rest”

“You will have your bids ready by the end of today. I will be auctioning three such paintings every week. You must understand that Joey needs to sleep for 19 hours a day, so that’s all we can do for now” he said as he walked off.

We left soon after that, having caught everything on tape. The tape is currently with the Police, and it remains to be seen whether this plan will indeed come to fruition.

Written by sirkapyaaz

March 21, 2010 at 11:20 AM

Maid Implicated by Apartment Housewives

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Lakshmi, 34 or 36, was sentenced to unemployment after an 8 member bench of housewives found her guilty of misappropriating a pair of slippers. Human Rights activists protested against the hearing after Lakshmi was not allowed to plead her case in front of the 8 housewives that gathered in the courtyard of the Positive Residency Apartment this evening.

The case was heard by the distinguished housewives, who spent a record 6 hours discussing their evidence, theories and options. The plaintiff, Mrs. Gayatri implored the bench to sack the accused immediately on charges of “taking my son’s slippers and then lying about it”. Professed Mrs. Gayatri, whose husband is due for retirement from an SBI branch “I’m sure she took my son’s slippers. One day they were there and the next day they disappeared. When I asked her about it, she claimed to have no knowledge about it. I asked her to bring the slippers back.” continued the housewife, whose son is currently working in “Dull-aas”, Texas.

“Wow” went the bench that was seated in a circle near the unused badminton court. “Yeah, that maid was always shady. I remember seeing her on the 4th floor once, even though she’s not employed by anyone on the 4th floor. I think I need to check my shoe cabinet to see if anything’s missing” said another member of the bench, who retired from all active life soon after marriage.

“Yeah, and to think that she once cleaned my house when my maid didn’t show up. We need to be more careful. These maids are all thieves.” claimed another housewife whose day ends at 11 am. “I remember how she mopped the floor without really pressing the mop. I should have taken that as a sign”

The bench then discussed the above points over and over again, till they caught a passerby and spoke to him about the evils of this particular maid for 20 minutes. Exasperated, the passerby faked an emergency call and fled the place.

The members of the bench pondered over the one-way decision for another 4 hours and finally arrived at the decision to relieve Lakshmi of her duties and, as further punishment, to withhold her salary for the part of the current month.

As of press time, the slippers lay hidden behind the shoe cabinet of Mrs. Gayatri.

EDITOR’S UPDATE – Sirkapyaaz has now, through an incident of divine coincidence, entered the same distinguished league of none other than…wait for it….The Onion. They published a very similar article less than 12 hours after this gem was published. We are unbelievably and frenetically flattered that the content of their article is ridiculously similar to the above. However, given their billions of years of experience and their amazing ability to be absurdly funny, their article is obviously a billion times better. But still…

This is just to inform our scarce readers that we have professional integrity and if you think we are stealing from The Onion, we are not . Imagine the odds….this is crazier than fuck.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

March 18, 2010 at 11:40 AM

Posted in Society/Life

Local man 140% better than you

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By SD:

Ashrit Shah, 22, is 140% better than you at this moment. Why, you ask? It’s simple. For one, he takes home Rs. 60,000 a month, whereas you take home just Rs. 40,000. That makes him 50% better than you. He works in the Mergers and Acquisitions division of Goldman Sachs at Mumbai, whereas you work in a mid-market investment bank that doesn’t even have an international presence. What a loser you are! The fact that he works in Goldman alone pushes him upwards by another 10%.

When were you born? January 14th 1987? Man, you’re old. Ashrit is 11 months younger than you, yet earns more than you! The 11 months that he gained on you is worth at least another 10%. Don’t cringe, it’s alright. You could probably recover some lost ground, although I don’t know if you can catch up anytime soon. His life is already 70% more worthy than yours.

Oh and where did you do your schooling? Wow, that’s one of the top boarding schools in the country right? Ashrit is not as lucky as you are. He had to make do with a local school in his home town. And which college did you go to? Stephens? Well, that’s not much of a jump, is it? Ashrit went from his local school straight to an IIT. That huge leap would easily add another 10% to the value of his life. Maybe add another 5% since he took up engineering as his major, while you were one of those Commerce losers.

How about grades? You were a good student in school? You got above 80% every time, including in your Board exams? That’s not bad. But you did not improve by much. Ashrit, on the other hand, was a backbencher till Class 8, and his grades improved dramatically since then. This surge of quality in him is worth another 10%.

Is your dad still alive? You’ll be sorry to hear that Ashrit’s dad passed away when he was in Class 8. He was not as lucky as you to have had a complete family to support him in his journey. Yet, he is now in a better position than you. So that’s another 10%, which makes him…let’s see…105% better than you. You’re life is in serious danger of turning out to be quite futile.

What are your hobbies? Watching football? Are you serious? That is hardly a hobby, it’s something that I call ‘joblessness’. Ashrit paints, sings, dances and even contributes some of his time to the local orphanage. He once performed at a national Carnatic music event. Oh, and can also recite the Mahabharata backwards. Can you beat that? All those ‘extra-curriculars’ push him up by another 15%, which is a fair estimate don’t you think?

Are you seeing someone now? What? You just broke up with your girlfriend? What a loser! Ashrit is married, man. He is married even though he is younger than you. His kids will be ready to join the workforce by the time he’s 45. You, on the lesser hand, would need to work till you’re 55 or something. Ashrit will be holidaying in Europe (courtesy his well off children) while you toil in your office and spend the rest of your time worrying about your teenage daughter. I see another 20% accruing to his score, and 0% to yours.

You know, looking at your life, it seems to me that you’re a big loser. I don’t understand how you can even look at the mirror every morning knowing that someone out there is younger and better than you. 140% better than you! If I were you, I would just shoot myself in the face and save myself the misery of being such a big fucking loser.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 24, 2010 at 5:32 PM

Microsoft buys Catholic Church

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By DB:

The world was irrepressibly shocked upon hearing an announcement this morning that software giant Microsoft had pulled off the most amazing corporate coup in recorded history, by buying out the globally-revered Catholic Church. In a joint press conference held by senior media representatives of the Redmond giant and the Holy Father, it was announced that MICROSOFT Corp. will acquire the Roman Catholic Church Inc. for an unspecified amount, in exchange for unspecified stock options for the senior-most cardinals in the Holy College of Cardinals.

The news comes as nothing short of a metaphorical serious sudden cardiac stroke for the world’s 1 billion Catholics, and as a long, violent cerebral haemorrhage to the rest of the world who now not only have to put up with sub-standard products and software, but also all their new religious bullshit. A few excerpts from the conference that could have altered the very course of the future as we see it follow, as do some insignificant, anecdotal words by the Holy Pontiff himself, known in his friends’ circle as the “Puppet Pope” and the “Dangling Dinosaur”. We assure you that through this article, it is not even implied in any way that we are trying to convert you to the ideals of the Holy See, this is an independent, autarkical, fissiparous, non-symbiotic and non-parasitic news source free of the iron fist of the Church’s fearsome regime.

The press conference began in strangely uncharacteristic fashion with some disorganisation of statements, with Microsoft’s Senior 4th Vice Deputy Sidekick-in-Chief Steve Ballmer beginning by commenting – “This new alliance will bring together the world’s two most influential, widespread and recognised corporations–” before he was cut short by an animated aging priest – “The Roman Catholic Church is not a corporation! It is a beacon of light for a billion lost and confused souls–” before he was cut off by Ballmer further interjecting – “Whatever, Father, forgive me. I was handed a pre-edit version of the statement, I have the right one now, 2.0., so why don’t you piss off now back to the little boys and let the big boys talk, huh? No pun intended, Father.” Followed the Microsoft man in a seemingly shameless and blatant statement – “With the considerable coffers of the Vatican, we can now wipe out any lawsuits against us by just using the blood money accumulated over thousands of years. We found after extensive research, basically by discussing it over a beer, that keeping in mind our common practices, such as forced monopoly, forced conversion to MS-everything, killing everything that opposes us etc. etc., the Church is a perfect match for us. I would also like to quash the recent Internet joke that my master Bill Gates was to be the next Pointy-Hat Man, err, Pope, and would like to assure the religious consumers of MS and the Church that the Popeship, or the Popecy, or the Popalness, or the Papality, will continue to rest with this, err, speech-impaired man sitting behind me. Moving on, we found that the biggest benefit accrued by the Church over time will be our non-Catholic consumers the world over, who they can now convert wholesale and for a lot cheaper than it is now.”

Sensing the visible tension in St. Peter’s Square, head honcho Bill Gates stepped in with a few words aiming to calm the agitation. Said the potential Vicar of Christ – “We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years and the combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.” “Through MICROSOFT Church, the company’s new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution, even reduce your time in Purgatory – all without leaving your home.”, continued the bespectacled corporate genius. The event was then concluded with the previously-admonished aging priest, Cardinal Mario Pierluigi Collina a.k.a. “Super Mario”, introducing the man who was still Pope, which warranted understandable confusion as to why he was being introduced.

Began the fossilised Vicar of Christ – “When I was first approached with this deal, the first reaction was that this is nothing short of sacrilege, a blasphemy upon our very beliefs. I mean, the whole point of all those wars and all those executions and all those thousands of years of pillaging and all those dead Jews was to establish ourselves as untouchable. The Lord then spoke to me in one of my weekly epiphanies upon popping my magic blue pill, revealing how lucrative this would turn out and that was pretty much the end of the conversation and the blasphemy.” His Wisdomness then proceeded to pontificate a passer-by who cracked a joke about the homo-erotic nature of the legendary artwork ‘Creation of Adam’ by Michelangelo, better known to ignorant pop-culture enthusiasts such as yourself as ‘that painting in the Sistine Chapel that got fucked in 2012’.

The watershed press conference was hailed as an outrage in certain tight-arsed sections of the media, but was met with sheer shock and confusion in others. The ominous exclusion of the mention of homosexuals was avoided, a move that surprised many gay-bashers present at the event, hoping to get a hint of future gay treatment. It is now just assumed that any homo around the world using Microsoft will now unfortunately be hunted down and slaughtered.

Critics have been sceptical about the move, with the first suspicion being that Microsoft would limit the use of intellectual property rights which they now own, such as the works of Leonardo da Vinci, author of the Bible and Jesus, the protagonist of the Bible, as the deal grants MS exclusive rights. The move could spark into play others that have only been speculative so far, such as the purchase of Jewism / Jewity  by Google, the purchase of Hinduism by Satyam, the purchase of Islam by Abu Dhabi Inc., owners of Manchester City F.C. and Abu Dhabi, and the purchase of Scientology by Tom Cruise and Paul Haggis. Representatives of Google, when asked to comment, said – “These MS goons think they can outmuscle us by pulling off these corporate hand-twisting deals, while we restrain ourselves. In the end, if we buy Jewism / Jewity, once we get through the lies and hidden diamonds, we will have at our disposal the most powerful and rich people in the world.”

Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment on his alleged purchase of Scientology, as he was busy preparing his annual ritual where other Scientologists like John Travolta, Will Smith, James Cameron, and rumoured future Scientology co-owner Paul Haggis, will join him in brutally murdering kittens, pups, baby rabbits and other babies of cute animals as a sacrifice to the Scientology god, Lesus.

The reaction in India was more adverse than anticipated, with over 3,000 buses nationwide being incinerated, with a death toll in the region of 1 million – 3 million as of when we went to press. It was also reported that Indian cricketer S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth was pleased upon being mentioned by His Holiness the Pope in the Vatican’s daily newspaper The Daily Crusade. It was mentioned that “It is the worthless, disgraceful, spastic filth like this that need the guidance of the Church. The Holy Father recently watched a Holy Broadcast of a cricket match where the “sportsman” was randomly throwing himself around the field, prompting His Gracefulness to think it was the Special Olympics or something, filling the Holy Pacemaker with gentle anxiety at the state of the world. He was immensely affected by the suffering that watching Sreesanth caused, and decided to send him a special invitation for a spell at the Vatican’s Center for the Seriously Retarded.” It was reported that Sreesanth has not only accepted the invitation, but has also signed up for the self-explanatory Lifetime Course, which means he will now spend a majority of his time at the cuckoo’s nest, with breaks in between when every single bowler in the country is injured and his services would be contracted, to provide comic relief to the millions of viewers and comfort to the inevitably losing Indian team.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 22, 2010 at 5:33 PM

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