Sirka Pyaaz – The Galaxy's Leading Satire Tri-monthly

Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

IPL Shit Really Fucked Up

leave a comment »

By our Bullitzer prize winning journalist, who doesn’t really finish up on the articles that he starts:

The ridiculous, overhyped, nonsensical debauchery that is the IPL was embroiled in another controversy after a whole bunch of fucked up shit happened. It was  reported that the shit was really fucked up.  “Shit is still fucked up” said an insider who didn’t want to associate himself with this fucked up shit.

The controversy started after Lalit Modi, Founding Asshole of the IPL fucked things up by revealing the shady shareholding pattern of the Kochi IPL team owned by Rendezvous Sports World (RSW) on Twitter. Modi also said that those RSW fucks forced them to cancel and postpone the auction which they later went on to win. “I don’t know why I didn’t do shit then. But that’s not the point, you fucks. The point is that I brought this up now. There’s some real shady shit going on with RSW and Tharoor. I mean, he’s not supposed to have any stake in the franchise but he somehow manages to get his bitch in as a shareholder. Sharad Pawar is up my ass man. Lot of big fuckers put a lot of weight and money behind the other bids, but these assholes won. What the fuck am I supposed to tell them?” lisped  a distraught Modi in his trademark Airtel lisp. His Airtel lisp is registered under the Trademarks Act, 1999. Readers will note that Modi recently sold the rights to his lisp for a record sum but continues to use it illegally.

RSW then went on the offensive by calling Lalit Modi a “deranged fuck who’s always peddling crack, even as we speak” and then demanding that he must necessarily be fair and disclose the fucked up shit of every other team. The shit got even more fucked up after the entire country started wanking off to this controversy. Fucked up updates kept streaming in throughout the day, with each update being more fucked up than the previous one. Pretty soon, it was revealed that this shit was in the realm of fucked up-ness soon after RSW won the bid for Kochi. Apparently, Pawar and a bunch of other big assholes threatened to fuck the shit out of RSW if they did not fuck off from the IPL. But they told Pawar to fuck off,  and that was when Pawar told his bitch Modi to set things straight.  The fucked up-ness hit epic levels after Dawood Ibrahim sent Tharoor a message to “fuck off, or else <he will> fucking kill <Tharoor>.”

“Don’t talk shit about me, you fuck. Your family owns a bunch of IPL teams indirectly. What the fuck do you have to say to that?” said Tharoor, off the record from an undisclosed location at a 43 acre farm house off NH-36, 23 Km east of the 4th exit.

“Modi has a point. But Tharoor did nothing wrong as per the law. Bitches don’t come under the definition of  ‘relative’ under any law, so he’s cool I guess. And RSW did the right thing by demanding to know the shareholding of other teams, because its common knowledge that some big fuckers routed a bunch of their black money through these franchises. It’s also quite obvious that the brilliant chartered accountants of our country structured each transaction to ensure that no one knew shit about anything.” said some big ass lawyer guy.

“I mean, look at the shareholding of this <name withheld> IPL team. It’s owned by Big Sports Ltd, of which 22% is owned by Big Sports Mauritius Inc. But their Board is controlled by Big Sports Cayman Inc. I mean, how fucked up is that? Worse, Big Sports Cayman will have a controlling stake in Big Sports directly but only after a vesting period of 5 years is complete. At which point, there would be a reverse merger between Big Sports Ltd and Big Sports Cayman, which will then sell their shares to Sports Big Mauritius. The chain will finally be complete when Radical Sports Inc demerges itself with Rakhi Sawant and takes over the Preferred equity of Big Sports Inc. Almost every investment from Mauritius is from a politician, I can assure you that.” continued the lawyer dude. “But coming back to Modi’s indirect stake, it’s actually quite simple. All he needs to do to is marry his son in law and half the shares of Kings XI Punjab would come under his name. Its that simple.”

“This news is like a fucking bonanza” said Rajesh Nanem as he masturbated to the Breaking News. When we asked him what he thought of the CRPF incident, he said “CRPF? You mean the Cochin…Rangers?? I don’t know the full form..oh wait, what’s the full form of the Cochin team?”

We can only hope that this fucked up shit gets less fucked up soon, or else the IPL would go to the dogs.

In other news, some cyclone or some shit hit some place in India and a bunch of people died.


Written by sirkapyaaz

April 15, 2010 at 11:34 AM

Hashim Amla Still Batting at Eden Gardens

with 4 comments

By SD, who has been forced to give credit to Monis for the idea.

South African run-machine Hashim Amla continues to be at the crease at the Eden Gardens cricket ground, despite 6 days having passed since the final test match between India and South Africa. Amla was the top scorer in the series, amassing a total of 490 runs in a mind-numbing 1032 balls, all in just three innings.

Amla vowed to remain steadfast and bat till he gets out, even declining to be part of the ODI squad that is currently playing against India. He continues to bat 24 hours a day, stopping only for the official ‘drinks breaks’, lunch and tea. He remains oblivious to the scores of people that have repeatedly informed him that the match was over. His wife and children flew down to Kolkata yesterday, but were unable to persuade him to give up his delusional aspiration and return to the pavilion.

One of the hundreds of deliveries that Amla left alone

People close to the issue, however, don’t feel awed by Amla’s indomitable spirit. “I was back in Zimbabwe, when I got a call from Amla during his lunch break. He insisted that I ask for the floodlights to be turned on after 5 p.m. He wouldn’t stop until I assured him that I’d do my best” said Match Referee A.J. Pycroft.

Said Mr. Jagmohan Dalmiya, President of the Bengal Cricket Association “I kept getting calls from Amla and the Match Referee. I did not know Amla was still at the ground. He asked for the floodlights, and I couldn’t say no or else the public might think I’m discriminating against him because of his religion”

Amla’s antics have resulted in the cancellation of a Ranji Trophy match that was scheduled to take place today. “Who does he think he is? And what sort of a name is Amla?” said an unknown Ranji Player (as they all are), visibly frustrated at not being able to play in front of the 18 spectators (including the homeless people that live in the cricket stadium) that had turned up for the match.

Amla has prevented the groundsmen from carrying out their duties. “He did not allow me to look at the pitch. What a dick.” said the curator, who had been waiting 6 days for Amla to regain his senses. Even the homeless vagrants have been complaining. “I can’t sleep with him shouting at his non-existent runner to take non-existent runs” said the hobo in surprisingly decent english.

Experts feel that Amla could soon put himself in a dicey situation. “With his current rate of metabolism, his beard would grow to touch the floor within a few days. He could easily trip on his beard and fall, possibly on his nose. But in the event of a fall, his beard will act as a cushion for his body” opined a leading doctor that specializes in beards.

The beard theory could well turn out to be true

Other ‘experts’ feel that Amla could soon be dismissed in case the non-existent ball hits him on his beard in line with the stumps, resulting in a beard-before-wicket decision against him by the non-existent umpire. “This could well be his undoing” said Ravi Shastri, who was also in Eden Gardens for the last 6 days providing unnecessary, insignificant commentary as usual. It was surprising to see that those fillers, a.k.a. the “analyst shows” also continued broadcasting a lonely Amla interspersed with hours of boring statistical graphics, proving their desperation for ratings that don’t even matter.


Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

Written by sirkapyaaz

February 23, 2010 at 12:00 PM

Posted in Entertainment, Sports

Microsoft buys Catholic Church

leave a comment »

By DB:

The world was irrepressibly shocked upon hearing an announcement this morning that software giant Microsoft had pulled off the most amazing corporate coup in recorded history, by buying out the globally-revered Catholic Church. In a joint press conference held by senior media representatives of the Redmond giant and the Holy Father, it was announced that MICROSOFT Corp. will acquire the Roman Catholic Church Inc. for an unspecified amount, in exchange for unspecified stock options for the senior-most cardinals in the Holy College of Cardinals.

The news comes as nothing short of a metaphorical serious sudden cardiac stroke for the world’s 1 billion Catholics, and as a long, violent cerebral haemorrhage to the rest of the world who now not only have to put up with sub-standard products and software, but also all their new religious bullshit. A few excerpts from the conference that could have altered the very course of the future as we see it follow, as do some insignificant, anecdotal words by the Holy Pontiff himself, known in his friends’ circle as the “Puppet Pope” and the “Dangling Dinosaur”. We assure you that through this article, it is not even implied in any way that we are trying to convert you to the ideals of the Holy See, this is an independent, autarkical, fissiparous, non-symbiotic and non-parasitic news source free of the iron fist of the Church’s fearsome regime.

The press conference began in strangely uncharacteristic fashion with some disorganisation of statements, with Microsoft’s Senior 4th Vice Deputy Sidekick-in-Chief Steve Ballmer beginning by commenting – “This new alliance will bring together the world’s two most influential, widespread and recognised corporations–” before he was cut short by an animated aging priest – “The Roman Catholic Church is not a corporation! It is a beacon of light for a billion lost and confused souls–” before he was cut off by Ballmer further interjecting – “Whatever, Father, forgive me. I was handed a pre-edit version of the statement, I have the right one now, 2.0., so why don’t you piss off now back to the little boys and let the big boys talk, huh? No pun intended, Father.” Followed the Microsoft man in a seemingly shameless and blatant statement – “With the considerable coffers of the Vatican, we can now wipe out any lawsuits against us by just using the blood money accumulated over thousands of years. We found after extensive research, basically by discussing it over a beer, that keeping in mind our common practices, such as forced monopoly, forced conversion to MS-everything, killing everything that opposes us etc. etc., the Church is a perfect match for us. I would also like to quash the recent Internet joke that my master Bill Gates was to be the next Pointy-Hat Man, err, Pope, and would like to assure the religious consumers of MS and the Church that the Popeship, or the Popecy, or the Popalness, or the Papality, will continue to rest with this, err, speech-impaired man sitting behind me. Moving on, we found that the biggest benefit accrued by the Church over time will be our non-Catholic consumers the world over, who they can now convert wholesale and for a lot cheaper than it is now.”

Sensing the visible tension in St. Peter’s Square, head honcho Bill Gates stepped in with a few words aiming to calm the agitation. Said the potential Vicar of Christ – “We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years and the combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.” “Through MICROSOFT Church, the company’s new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution, even reduce your time in Purgatory – all without leaving your home.”, continued the bespectacled corporate genius. The event was then concluded with the previously-admonished aging priest, Cardinal Mario Pierluigi Collina a.k.a. “Super Mario”, introducing the man who was still Pope, which warranted understandable confusion as to why he was being introduced.

Began the fossilised Vicar of Christ – “When I was first approached with this deal, the first reaction was that this is nothing short of sacrilege, a blasphemy upon our very beliefs. I mean, the whole point of all those wars and all those executions and all those thousands of years of pillaging and all those dead Jews was to establish ourselves as untouchable. The Lord then spoke to me in one of my weekly epiphanies upon popping my magic blue pill, revealing how lucrative this would turn out and that was pretty much the end of the conversation and the blasphemy.” His Wisdomness then proceeded to pontificate a passer-by who cracked a joke about the homo-erotic nature of the legendary artwork ‘Creation of Adam’ by Michelangelo, better known to ignorant pop-culture enthusiasts such as yourself as ‘that painting in the Sistine Chapel that got fucked in 2012’.

The watershed press conference was hailed as an outrage in certain tight-arsed sections of the media, but was met with sheer shock and confusion in others. The ominous exclusion of the mention of homosexuals was avoided, a move that surprised many gay-bashers present at the event, hoping to get a hint of future gay treatment. It is now just assumed that any homo around the world using Microsoft will now unfortunately be hunted down and slaughtered.

Critics have been sceptical about the move, with the first suspicion being that Microsoft would limit the use of intellectual property rights which they now own, such as the works of Leonardo da Vinci, author of the Bible and Jesus, the protagonist of the Bible, as the deal grants MS exclusive rights. The move could spark into play others that have only been speculative so far, such as the purchase of Jewism / Jewity  by Google, the purchase of Hinduism by Satyam, the purchase of Islam by Abu Dhabi Inc., owners of Manchester City F.C. and Abu Dhabi, and the purchase of Scientology by Tom Cruise and Paul Haggis. Representatives of Google, when asked to comment, said – “These MS goons think they can outmuscle us by pulling off these corporate hand-twisting deals, while we restrain ourselves. In the end, if we buy Jewism / Jewity, once we get through the lies and hidden diamonds, we will have at our disposal the most powerful and rich people in the world.”

Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment on his alleged purchase of Scientology, as he was busy preparing his annual ritual where other Scientologists like John Travolta, Will Smith, James Cameron, and rumoured future Scientology co-owner Paul Haggis, will join him in brutally murdering kittens, pups, baby rabbits and other babies of cute animals as a sacrifice to the Scientology god, Lesus.

The reaction in India was more adverse than anticipated, with over 3,000 buses nationwide being incinerated, with a death toll in the region of 1 million – 3 million as of when we went to press. It was also reported that Indian cricketer S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth was pleased upon being mentioned by His Holiness the Pope in the Vatican’s daily newspaper The Daily Crusade. It was mentioned that “It is the worthless, disgraceful, spastic filth like this that need the guidance of the Church. The Holy Father recently watched a Holy Broadcast of a cricket match where the “sportsman” was randomly throwing himself around the field, prompting His Gracefulness to think it was the Special Olympics or something, filling the Holy Pacemaker with gentle anxiety at the state of the world. He was immensely affected by the suffering that watching Sreesanth caused, and decided to send him a special invitation for a spell at the Vatican’s Center for the Seriously Retarded.” It was reported that Sreesanth has not only accepted the invitation, but has also signed up for the self-explanatory Lifetime Course, which means he will now spend a majority of his time at the cuckoo’s nest, with breaks in between when every single bowler in the country is injured and his services would be contracted, to provide comic relief to the millions of viewers and comfort to the inevitably losing Indian team.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

Written by sirkapyaaz

February 22, 2010 at 5:33 PM

I am Neither Dumb nor an Idiot, says man who throws balls for a living

leave a comment »

By SD:

Indian spin ‘bowler’, Harbhajan Singh lashed out at his critics for questioning his ability to throw a ball, saying that a bowler who took 350 wickets over the course of his career could not possible be ‘dumb and an idiot’. Fresh from the victory over South Africa, Harbhajan took the opportunity to impose himself as a non-idiot. Mr. Singh insisted that running and throwing a cricket ball in four or five different ways required a complex interplay of the tens of neurons in his brain, something that would not have been possible if he was a dumb idiot.

Engaged in deep, intellectual pursuit.

“Do you think only dumb idiots get a Padma Shree?” shouted Bhajji, unaware that the ‘journalist’, Barkha Dutt bought one as recently as in 2008. “Idiots don’t play for their country for 13 years” he continued, again unaware that cricketers like Inzamam ul-haq and Kapil Dev played for their countries for many years, yet did not qualify as non-dumb or non-idiots. “Critics have a job to do. I respect it, however, I can make a few points for their benefit. Can a bowler, who often has been in ICC’s list of top 10 bowlers during the last two years be that bad and stupid?” cried Bhajji, again failing to provide a link between throwing a ball and being non-stupid.

“If I was stupid, do you think it would occur to me to throw in a doosra or a slider every now and then? I would just keep bowling offspin.” said the man who angered a lot of people when he actually removed his turban and let his hair flow for a liquor advertisement. “I bowl onto the stumps occasionally because on those wickets where ball does a little, you need to create angles for bowled and lbw decisions to come into the play. If the batsmen can use their feet, why you do not credit a bowler for not allowing a batsman to use his feet?” he said as he tried to show us just how intellectual and deep a game of cricket can be, when it does not put one to sleep or force one to throw expensive objects at the television in boredom.

Theory: You cannot possible be stupid if you're able to twirl your fingers and throw a ball in different ways (like a Googly)

The 29 year old self proclaimed non-stupid ‘bowler’ also said that “nothing but consistent performance” helped India get to the top of the test rankings. He discounted the role of luck to zero using his non-stupid powers. Readers will note that he used his powers of non-idiocy to call [Australian Cricketer/Aborigine/Societally oppressed/Actually has facial features that resemble a monkey’s] Andrew Symonds a monkey in the middle of a cricket ground, in full view of at least 20 cameras and 30,000 people. He then used his non-stupidity powers to claim that he said ‘maa ki’ and expected people to believe him.

“Just as the critics have a job to do, we also have a job to keep India’s tricolour flying. We know what our success means to millions of fans across the world and we are prepared to walk on the fire to bring honour and glory to the country,” he said, assuming that people outside India actually care for this ‘sport’. He also used his powers of non-idiocy to compare the lazy ‘game’ of cricket to walking on fire.

The ‘bowler’ said that critics should put the interest of Indian Cricket above everything else, including their spouses and children.

S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, fresh from an incident in which he accidentally locked himself in a public toilet for ladies, claims that Harbhajan Singh is in fact an idiot. “Waaah!” cried Sreesanth, jobless as always and still going to Shiv Khera for therapy to remove the horror and trauma inflicted upon him when Bhajji slapped the shit out of him. “He is such an a bad boy..he is short tempered..hey don’t print this ok, I don’t want to be quoted”, said S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, who just added a few more S’s to his name. However, we decided to quote him anyway since no one really gives a shit about what he thinks.


Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

Written by sirkapyaaz

February 20, 2010 at 1:32 PM

Allegedly clever sting operation reveals existence of ‘always concede to Pakistan’ policy

leave a comment »

By DB:

A bizarre succession of events ensued here yesterday at Rashtrapathi Bhavan following a Cabinet meeting, which came about owing to an equally bizarre chain of events shortly before that. The bizarreness, or bizarrity, or bizarrism of the situation was further compounded when a cyclist was run over, following which literally 2,500 people proceeded to thrash 1 guy, because he was driving a Mercedes while in the mob’s words “intentionally assaulting and oppressing the oppressed Dalit man” and was in all probability lured into a trap by the cunning cyclist, in the process falling victim to a familiar scam. The mass frenzy began when long-suspected revelations emerged following impudent claims by an anonymous news agency (explanation to follow) of the existence of a section of a segment of a portion of a division of a subdivision of India’s foreign policy, code-named “Gaand ghusedne do”.

Now, we aren’t sure why on earth this would happen, as it defeats the purpose of their very existence, but the news agency that carried out the sting operation chose to remain anonymous, but passed on the information to every single competing network. For our profiling purposes and sheer comic relief, we have code-named this news network RNNN, the Retard Non-News Network. This was the first of the unfathomable events that struck the nation’s media. The revelation from the operation, uninventively titled “Rashtrapathigate”, was the existence of a doctrine named “Gaand ghusedne do” which literally translated, means “Let them penetrate our arse” or “Let them pierce our arse” or “Let our arses be penetrated / pierced”. The doctrine is basically a frequently conveniently ignored text that declares that regardless of the gravity of past or future events, India will, under any circumstances, always, concede defeat to Pakistan and cave in to the pseudo-diplomatic, highly homosexual indicative process of “bilateral talks”.

The eye-opener is particularly significant given the heightened tensions between the two primitive South Asian villages. A statement issued by Defence Minister A.K. Antony proclaimed – “First of all, let it be known that despite the fact that we are one of the most ridiculed nations on the planet, we will continue to make the decisions we feel are pertinent to given circumstances, however amusing they may be to the global media. I would next like to deny the existence of any such ‘please put your dick up my anus’ foreign policy as some of the blood-sucking bloggers out there have called it. I don’t know how credible I am in the media because I recently said we were prepared to take on Pakistan AND China simultaneously, which I now have to retract of course seeing as how we always have to concede defeat to Pakistan” in a seemingly contradictory rant. As the rest of his blathering was simply unbearable, we chose to exclude it. It appears however that the Govt. has far bigger things to worry about, such as how some local cheap-ass news agency that doesn’t know how to behave like a news agency managed to not only attend their freakin’ Cabinet meeting, but also taped the whole damn thing and exposed the most significant classified information in recent Indian history, following the recent revelation of the genius doctor who successfully managed to transform Rakhi Sawant into a woman.

The news did not sit well with citizens however and within 2 minutes of the news being leaked, about 130 buses were already on fire across New Delhi. Amongst the agitated was a group that was protesting the recent blasts in Pune, who suddenly had a reason to make absurd claims. According to one of them who for some strange reason chose the alias ‘Hardick’, the suspected perpetrator Karim Benzema who has called himself a ‘homegrown Indian mujahideen’ is actually Pakistani, but is being claimed as Indian by our Government to take pressure off Pakistan on this one. He said – “Isn’t it painfully obvious? The Government is shielding Pakistan from the spotlight because they are scared of when those nukes close to the Indian border will be detonated. This guy is so obviously a Paki, but the Government was so swift in stating the opposite. I mean, I’ve never even seen the Government act like that when offered extravagant bribes. Pakistan have placed an arsenal of nuclear warheads all along our border like an RFID-controlled dog collar and we have no choice but to respond like the benevolent pussies we are. India is to Pakistan nothing but the metaphorical demure housewife who takes the rash abuse, or else. It’s that simple. They insult us at their convenience with their belittling actions, saying “let us intrude on your anal region whenever we wish, or else.” and this has to stop.” Further conversation revealed that the man was in all likelihood deranged beyond belief, as he went on to suggest a mass suicide by sitting through one screening of ‘My Name is Khan’.

As of when we went to press, approximately 800 buses had been annihilated in New Delhi alone, and as the panic continues to spread in the country, the death toll is expected to hit about 6,000,000; about half of which are estimated to be media personnel intending to capture explicit images of events in a desperate bid to gain ratings. As usual. Our sources (or rather resources) at RNNN have promised us an exclusive first-look deal on their upcoming operations, including Government hospitals, whorehouses, crackhouses, heroin farms, abortion clinics, synagogues, and an interesting new concept yet to be named, which is basically a shopping mall exclusively for freshly harvested human organs. The most highly-anticipated however, is the sting operation that will finally reveal which IPL players’ kids are whose, as everyone shags everyone’s WAG’s and there’s no concrete way to know.


Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

Written by sirkapyaaz

February 20, 2010 at 12:32 AM

IPL introduces ‘Prestige Tariff’ to sleep with teammates’ WAG’s.

with 3 comments

By DB:

In move to copy yet another tendency of international sports stars and leagues, the deplorable, unpardonable debauchery that is the Indian Premier League has taken a revolutionary step. In light of recent infidelity scandals that have gripped the footballing world, IPL cricketers will now be permitted to shag their teammates’ wives and girlfriends (WAG’s) openly, legally, happily and without shame. When football stalwarts John Terry and (C)Ashley Cole were recently caught cheating on their hot wives with other teammates’ hot chicks and getting them pregnant and then aborted, before paying them significantly to keep their mouths shut, it was found that the biggest grouse their teammates had was that the world seemed to think it was wrong.

Purportedly, Terry and Cashley have been screwing teammates’ wives (with the exception of the hideous Victoria Beckham) for the last 5 years and it is now unclear which kids are whose. A bold statement issued earlier today by Lalit Modi, the IPL’s Principal Money Launderer and Chief Sh*tface of the IPL Center of Illiteracy, said – “Yes, this is a fact. Our astute research, i.e. reading British newspapers online, has led us to the conclusion that the biggest problem with sports stars sleeping with teammates’ wives was you people finding out about it. This caused much pain, as high-profile players who screwed the wives of sidekick players were embarrassed at this being revealed, and vice versa. This would not even be necessary if the media could just keep their traps shut, but I suppose that’s too much to expect. If our players and the role models and idols of a billion people could only carry out these carnal acts in peace, it would be so much better.

Cheryl Cole and Amit Mishra: What if? No, Not in a Billigazillitrillion millenia

In order to relieve our cricketers of the suffering that has plagued footballers, we have now introduced a ‘Prestige Tariff’ for players, which intricately details which calibre of players can screw which players’ wives. For instance, filth like Praveen Kumar, Amit Mishra, Pragyan Ojha etc. will not be eligible to sleep with anyone, as they are simply a disgrace to the country. Players slightly less worthless like Rohit Sharma and Robin Uthappa, depending on endorsements and shamelessness, could stand a remote chance of sleeping with the wife of, say, a mediocre like Suresh Raina but Raina can screw any of their wives, being less worthless but not necessarily worthwhile.

Ojha tries to seduce this woman by acting as though he doesn't care, but this is probably as close as he will ever get to a female human being

Similarly, players like Yuvraj and Harbhajan may sleep with just about anybody’s wife, but few would stand a chance against theirs. We have got complaints regarding the selective, elitist and discriminatory nature of the policy, which are being addressed. Our offices were flooded with angry mails about how unethical this is and how it goes against the founding principles of civilisation itself, but these guys don’t really give a shit. Right now, I request the nation to maintain composure and restrict themselves to only burning a maximum of 200 buses nationwide.”

Sreesanth to bald, black guy that no one can seem to place: Wah! He...he slapped me here..and he.. he waahh!

According to well-placed but not-too-bright sources, this news further empowers players following the recent breakdown in contract talks in Macau. As of when we went to press, Virat Kohli was still demanding gay rights for cricketers, with a demand to extend the clause to include male relatives and male pets. The only “player” available for comment was S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, as he has nothing to do in life anyway. He refused to be quoted, so to paraphrase what he said, he was basically disappointed at being left out of the entire process, and did not even know what was going on until we approached him. His only contribution to our research and follow-up was, “I can’t fucki*g believe they forgot to tell me – again”.


Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

Written by sirkapyaaz

February 17, 2010 at 6:21 PM


with 5 comments

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

Written by DB, Not just any DB, but THE DB:

30th January 2010:

The lucrative, excessive, repulsive, derivative, loud, crass bandwagon that is Indian cricket, was on the brink of collapse yesterday following players’ contract negotiations. With the specter of the3rd edition of the Indian Premier League looming large, it was seemingly inevitable that the situation would come to this. A highly ambiguous statement released last evening by Lalit Modi, Founding Assh*le and Chief Plagiarist, IPL, stated “It is unclear right now as to what exactly the players’ stance is, as it is difficult to determine how much more undeserved cash they want. As the whole cricketing world knows, wages for cricketers in this country depend not on form, experience, seniority, or even ability, but purely on the whims and fancies of corporations and the players they wish to bankroll and exploit like high-class prostitutes.” In all seriousness, contrary to popular belief, this was the official statement. No remotely probable coherence has yet been arrived at.

"Royal Mirage" Hotel, befittingly chosen as the BCCI meeting venue

Speculation is rife as to what exactly transpired behind the closed doors of the Royal Mirage, Macau, where the meeting was held, and where apparently not a single member of any delegation gambled. Curiosity at the choice of venue is understandable, however this is quickly dispelled upon closer inspection. According to not-so-discreet sources, the high-profile location was chosen just so that the BCCI could show off their financial influence, which they love doing, despite the complete absurdity of the whole affair. The same sources however, who were judicious enough to keep their identities anonymous, for a couple of days anyway, also revealed rumours that players were demanding that owing to the tremendous initial success of the rip-off known as the IPL, EVERY SINGLE aspect of successful foreign leagues be imitated, completely and conveniently disregarding the fact that they are for different sports altogether. The biggest bone of contention was the transfer contracts amongst franchisees in the IPL, as the players wish for foreign football league rules to be applied here.

In recent times, a trend that has engulfed football contracts has been a cleverly-named ‘buy-out clause’ which in a nutshell means that in order to break existing agreed contract terms, clubs wishing to sign the player in concern have to pay some meaningless, astronomical figure and everyone goes home rich. With global superstars like Lionel Messi of Barcelona F.C., Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid F.C., and Wayne Rooney of Manchester United F.C. having recently signed such contracts, each with a buy-out clause of $30 billion, $50 billion and $80 billion respectively, our cricketers wish for similar contractual terms, despite the fact that they are not even recognized beyond the shores of Wasteland India. This was highlighted recently when the captain MS Dhoni was recently asked to clean up a pile of dog shit at Johannesburg International Airport, an incident that sparked outrage as usual, leading to extensive incineration of unrelated parties’ effigies and the destruction of at least 300 buses, resulting in 7,000 confirmed deaths and a conservative estimate of at least 10 million tonnes of carbon monoxide released into the atmosphere. Our dumb-as-a-dildo cricketers however, failed to grasp the fact that the player does not receive any percentage of this sum, as the entire thing goes to his team, which is the point of the god-damn clause in the first place. It somehow also slipped past our extremely well-informed cricketers that nobody in the history of buy-out clauses, or in the history of clauses itself, has been stupid enough to actually pay these monies.

Our most recently confirmed rumours stated that amongst the players, the most vociferous were Yuvraj Singh who was, without any comprehensible reason whatsoever, randomly demanding a minimum of $250 million, Harbhajan Singh was insanely, randomly demanding that international racism laws be re-drafted to his convenience, in addition to $500 million, and Rohit Sharma was crazily demanding that all international boundaries be further shortened to school distances for easier hitting, in addition to $1 billion. Of the non-financial demands, Virat Kohli was heavily campaigning for gay rights for cricketers, Praveen Kumar was demanding that treatment for his syphilis, gonorrhea and AIDS be taken care of by the BCCI, and Pragyan Ojha was demanding free education not for his village, his childhood village neighbourhood, or his village kids, but for himself. Besides the senior cricketers, the only composed “player” was supposedly S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, who like a pansy, basically only requested that he be recognised as a cricketer, and his maximum demand was for some fuck*ng respect.

"Waa! And..I told him...sniff..I told him, that he must call me a cricketer..but..but he refused..Sree want hug, Preity, full breasted hug"

Kohli, trying to throw himself onto someone.

Written by sirkapyaaz

January 30, 2010 at 4:15 PM

%d bloggers like this: