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Nobel Prize For Physics Awarded to ‘Human Beings’

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Stockholm, 12 October 2012 :

Minutes after the European Union was awarded this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences announced that this years Nobel Prize for Physics was awarded to human beings. The Nobel Committee said that human beings received the award for their efforts to “expand the horizons of science and our understanding of the world for the last 4000 years”.

“It only makes perfect sense” said Ingemar Lundstrom, the Chairman of the Nobel Committee for Physics. “We noted that, from pre-historic civilizations to modern society, human beings were the biggest contributors towards our understanding of the world. And not just the scientists, but humanity as a whole. Right from the guy who delivers pizza to the research facility, to the CEO of the company that manufactures printers used in the scientists homes, humans from every walk of life have contributed to unraveling the mysteries of the Universe” he continued.

“As opposed to fish, none of which even has a PhD despite having been in existence for longer than human beings” explained Mr. Lundstrom. “We thank the Peace Prize Committee for making our job easier after they picked 27 countries as the winner. I also think this award is an opportunity for all human beings to feel a little better about their pathetic lives”

“I was snubbed for this year’s Physics Prize despite my breakthrough in particle physics. But I guess since the prize was awarded to human beings, I am a winner too” said a visibly upset Dr. Thomas Jones. “Yay” he added.

Human beings, with their large brains, were favorites to win this year’s Physics Prize. However, the award comes as a surprise at a time when human stupidity threatens to overtake human ingenuity as the key driver of civilization.

Written by sirkapyaaz

October 12, 2012 at 4:05 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

Pakistani Government Officials Become Comedians In Wake Of bin Laden’s Death

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In a move that did not surprise many, all the people associated with the governance of Pakistan suddenly turned into stand up comedians. Taking advantage of the massive interest that was generated after Osama bin Laden was temporarily sent to hell, government officials started responding to media enquiries by cracking jokes at a press conference.

When asked how the world’s most wanted terrorist was able to make a home in a huge mansion that lay right next to a military installation, the Prime Minister seemed to get livid and shouted “How dare the Americans violate the sanctity of our sovereignty?”. This was met with roars of laughter that rang throughout the room. He quickly added, “See what I did there? I poked fun at my country. Only the most secure people can do that. That was a non-sequitir by the way”, he gloated. “It means that the ending is different from the beginning,” he continued as he spoiled everyone’s trip just as they were falling into a laughing fit.

"....and I was like whaaa? Osama? In Pakistan?"

“But seriously,” said Gilani as he produced a coin from behind President Zardari’s ear, “we had no idea where bin Laden was until I saw the news. I immediately rang up my ISI friends and asked them who this bin Laden was and why his death was so important that it was splashed all across the media.” he said as he put his hand into Zardari’s shirt and removed a length of handkerchiefs tied to each other, presumably as an attempt at prop humor.

“Any other country that would ever act on assumption that it has the right to unilateralism of any sort will find as far as Pakistan is concerned that it has made a basic mistake, and countries will face disastrous consequences if they carry out such operations,” said Foreign Secretary Salman Bashir with a straight face, only pausing to smirk when he thought no one was looking. “Especially India” he said as everyone burst into fits of manic laughter, eventually bringing part of the roof down onto these government officials who died instantly.

In other news, Indian Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh has just passed away. He was 79. While the cause of death is yet to be determined, people close to the issue say that they found him laughing and breathless in front of a TV just before he died.

Written by sirkapyaaz

May 6, 2011 at 12:02 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

Japan Earthquake and Tsunami deliberately brought on by America, say conspiracy theorists

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The most powerful earthquake ever recorded in Japan shook entire cities, and the subsequent tsunami wreaked havoc over north-eastern Japan, killing hundreds of people instantly. The threat of a nuclear meltdown still looms large. The world stopped in its tracks after nature unleashed it’s fury yet again. However, not all people are convinced. “This was an attack by the U.S Government…..and investment bankers, obviously. The earthquake happened on 11th March, that is 11/3. 3 is the square root of 9, and if you transpose both these numbers, what do you get?” questioned a smug Ed Asner at the inauguration of the 113truth.org website. “That’s right.”

“It was a dead giveaway. Did you know that the Fukushima nuclear reactors were supplied by GE and were installed by Halliburton? And who owns Halliburton?” question Ed Asner yet again. “Exactly,” he continued, yet again failing to elaborate as he dozed off.

All because of the U.S. Government

A large number of conspiracy theorists were in attendance at the inauguration, even after thousands declined to attend following the receipt of credible information that the venue was going to be bombed by aliens.

“How do we know it was an earthquake? It could have just been an explosion. Did you actually see the tectonic plates grind against each other? We all know that Shell was digging for oil near the epicenter of the earthquake. Co-incidence? I think not. I’m pretty sure that those thieving bastards bombed the tectonic plates so that they can profit from it,” screamed another guy as he was walking out of the restroom. When asked to explain how Shell would profit from this, he walked back inside.

“Uh” uh-ed Ed Asner as he woke up with a jerk. “The death toll was another cover up. How come there was no mention of the robots? Japan is full of them. And what’s with the earthquake intensity being revised from 8.9 to 9? It’s so obviously staged.” he said once again and slept on the conference table.

As the conference went on, we came across a big blob of goo which was in fact Michael Moore. “Capitalism is bad” it said, as it continued to promote a documentary that it made two years back. “Do visit my website and purchase my DVDs” it continued before sliding away.

Meanwhile, Telangana agitators claim to have been inspired by the earthquake and plan to organize a ‘9.0 Richter March’ as a follow up to their ‘Million March’ that was inspired by Egypt. “That will show the Government”, said an unemployed youth to our correspondent in India who didn’t even ask him anything.

Written by sirkapyaaz

March 14, 2011 at 5:28 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

Uruguay’s Goalkeepers Save the Day- News in Photos

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The goalkeepers of Uruguay in action. The three of them saved the match for Uruguay and set up a thrilling penalty shootout.

Written by sirkapyaaz

July 3, 2010 at 10:40 AM

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Shane Bond Retires From All Forms Of Injuries.

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By SD:

(Headline idea by @sidvee)

Shane Bond, the prolific New Zealand injured has announced his retirement from all forms of injuries less than a year after successfully battling a severe bout of pace bowling. The back-injury specialist made an explosive debut when he lost balance and fell down the stairs of his home in Christchurch. This initial success didn’t last long though, and he soon found himself playing against Australia in 2001. Not one to be bogged down by cricket, Bond quickly worked his way back to the top by tearing his abdomen. He was never the most consistent performer though; His troughs were deep (Bond had to undergo the ordeal of Test cricket a record 18 times), but his crests were equally high.

It shows on his face: Shane Bond suffers through a severe bout of pace bowling - Photo courtesy Cricinfo

The pivotal moment of his career came when he swung from a disastrous 6/19 attack of pace-bowling to a longevity-defining stint of broken-back, only to get sucked back into being the No.1 fast bowler. He also successfully remodelled the way he injured himself, which is rare thing for injury specialists to do. Bond ended his back-injury career last December, and has now decided to step away from abdominal injuries and knee injuries as well.

After returning home from yet another affliction of pace-bowling in the West Indies, Bond said that he was unwilling to compromise on the quality of his injuries and that his brain couldn’t take it any more. “Oh God, I absolutely hate cricket, and at this stage in my life, I don’t want to suffer through any more bouts of pace-bowling or *shudder* lower-order-batting”

“I dreamed of being injured ever since I was six. Despite all the pace bowling and test cricket I had to deal with, the reality of what has unfolded was more than I could have ever hoped for. I find it difficult to hold back. I just wanted to be injured. I am sick and tired of bowling fast and if I did that one more time, I probably would have been finished. I had a well injured career with relatively modest loss of time to cricket, so I’m happy with my decision to quit” said Bond as he left the press conference.

“For all you youngsters out there…” said Ravi Shastri, suddenly popping out of nowhere and irritating the hell out of everyone. “This is Shane Bond, and he has just retired. This is a press conference that he called to announce his retirement. These people are reporters. That is a microphone” he continued as people ignored him and sprinted out of the room.

Written by sirkapyaaz

May 18, 2010 at 1:42 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

Laloo, Mulayam and Amit Kumar Unearth Massive Conspiracy in Women’s Bill

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By SD:

Heroes Laloo Prasad Yadav (of RJD) and Mulayam Singh Yadav (of the Samajwadi Party), brothers (though not really) in arms against the Women’s Bill finally revealed the real reason as to why they opposed the Bill to the extent of almost assaulting a poor helpless old man who was trying to placate the mass orgy in the Orgy House, also known as the Parliament. The country was shocked at the behaviour of the Samajwadi Party and RJD MPs that went beserk, but Laloo and Mulayam (whose name means ‘smooth’ in english) claim that they had every reason to do so, since “the Women’s Bill is nothing but a scam to enslave women”

At a press conference held this afternoon (Editors Note: Our lazy reporters get all their stories only from press conferences), Mulayam said that he was in possession of a minute book that he stole from the Prime Ministers Office while in the guise of a security guard.

“This is a major blow to women’s rights.The UPA is deliberately mocking women. I don’t know how this got past Sonia Gandhi in the first place. Here, let me read out what’s written here.”

1. The main reason we want women in the Parliament is for them to make us sandwiches. I guess a ratio of one woman for every two men is fair enough, anything more would make them lazy. They must also offer to rub the feet of the male MPs every 15 minutes.

Intimate Mr. Pranab Mukherjee to ensure steady supply of sandwich paraphernalia to ensure that women do their work efficiently.

2. They can also help with the cleaning of the sacred parliament building. This will supplement the housekeeping staff by another 185 women. Of course, their duties will not be limited to just sweeping and mopping the floors. They will also have to take care of the canteen.

3. They can serve as eye candy for the male parliamentarians. So we must ensure that only women above a certain non-eyesore threshold become MPs. Further, male MPs will be required to whistle, cat call etc as per their whims and fancies.

4. Good looking chicks can serve as a valuable tie breaker in a diplomatic standoff. Since politicans all over the world enjoy a little bit of infidelity every now and then, women can strategically flirt with them to ensure that India’s interests are not compromised.

5. Honestly, we are sick of the world seeing Pratibha Patil (who is a fine lady, but falls just 3 million miles short of the good-looks threshold. Moreover, she’s old) as the face of India. We should encourage women like Nicolette Bird to join politics.

“See. These are the evil intentions of the present UPA government. Laloo and I were right all the time about how evil and oppressive this Women’s Bill is. We hope that you open your eyes atleast now, and bring down this evil government. Evil.” said Mulayam (which, incidentally, is also the name of a village in Thrissur District, Kerala) before throwing the microphone at the journalists. He then stood up, pushed the table off the stage and set the curtains on fire.

When asked whether we could see copies of the document for ourselves, Mulayam spat paan all over us, tore our shirts and slapped us.

Within minutes, Mulayam and Laloo called for another press conference outside the burnt remains of the venue of the previous press conference.

“Actually, we think that the Women’s Bill is quite empowering. So as of now, we don’t intend to bring a no confidence motion in Orgy House” said Laloo, and walked away into the sunset with freshly minted Rs. 1000 notes falling out of his arse.

In other news, Amit Kumar, 27, also unearthed an inconsistency in his wife’s credit card bill. This inconsistency could grow into a massive conspiracy within minutes, sources suggest.

“Hey. Why is there a charge for Rs. 4000 for a honeymoon suite in a resort on February 14th? I thought she was spending the weekend with the kids while I was out of station. Oh, wait. There’s another charge of Rs. 1000 to a day care center. On 14th and 15th? Thats pretty weird” thought Amit as he looked through his wife (of 4 years) ‘s credit card bill.

As of press time, Amit’s wife was banging her co-worker.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

March 10, 2010 at 5:08 PM

Local man 140% better than you

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By SD:

Ashrit Shah, 22, is 140% better than you at this moment. Why, you ask? It’s simple. For one, he takes home Rs. 60,000 a month, whereas you take home just Rs. 40,000. That makes him 50% better than you. He works in the Mergers and Acquisitions division of Goldman Sachs at Mumbai, whereas you work in a mid-market investment bank that doesn’t even have an international presence. What a loser you are! The fact that he works in Goldman alone pushes him upwards by another 10%.

When were you born? January 14th 1987? Man, you’re old. Ashrit is 11 months younger than you, yet earns more than you! The 11 months that he gained on you is worth at least another 10%. Don’t cringe, it’s alright. You could probably recover some lost ground, although I don’t know if you can catch up anytime soon. His life is already 70% more worthy than yours.

Oh and where did you do your schooling? Wow, that’s one of the top boarding schools in the country right? Ashrit is not as lucky as you are. He had to make do with a local school in his home town. And which college did you go to? Stephens? Well, that’s not much of a jump, is it? Ashrit went from his local school straight to an IIT. That huge leap would easily add another 10% to the value of his life. Maybe add another 5% since he took up engineering as his major, while you were one of those Commerce losers.

How about grades? You were a good student in school? You got above 80% every time, including in your Board exams? That’s not bad. But you did not improve by much. Ashrit, on the other hand, was a backbencher till Class 8, and his grades improved dramatically since then. This surge of quality in him is worth another 10%.

Is your dad still alive? You’ll be sorry to hear that Ashrit’s dad passed away when he was in Class 8. He was not as lucky as you to have had a complete family to support him in his journey. Yet, he is now in a better position than you. So that’s another 10%, which makes him…let’s see…105% better than you. You’re life is in serious danger of turning out to be quite futile.

What are your hobbies? Watching football? Are you serious? That is hardly a hobby, it’s something that I call ‘joblessness’. Ashrit paints, sings, dances and even contributes some of his time to the local orphanage. He once performed at a national Carnatic music event. Oh, and can also recite the Mahabharata backwards. Can you beat that? All those ‘extra-curriculars’ push him up by another 15%, which is a fair estimate don’t you think?

Are you seeing someone now? What? You just broke up with your girlfriend? What a loser! Ashrit is married, man. He is married even though he is younger than you. His kids will be ready to join the workforce by the time he’s 45. You, on the lesser hand, would need to work till you’re 55 or something. Ashrit will be holidaying in Europe (courtesy his well off children) while you toil in your office and spend the rest of your time worrying about your teenage daughter. I see another 20% accruing to his score, and 0% to yours.

You know, looking at your life, it seems to me that you’re a big loser. I don’t understand how you can even look at the mirror every morning knowing that someone out there is younger and better than you. 140% better than you! If I were you, I would just shoot myself in the face and save myself the misery of being such a big fucking loser.

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Written by sirkapyaaz

February 24, 2010 at 5:32 PM

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